Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Rethinking roles

There is another way forward for me and that is to 'let go'. I've pined and ached for a more definitive power exchange with my husband because I've longed to feel that close to him. I've contradicted all the evidence that has been accumulating in front of me, which really makes no sense. It's very simple. He doesn't want a power exchange in the same way as me, and blind Freddy knows it takes two to tango.

He's not suited, and doesn't want, to supervise me; doesn't want to set any rules for me, remember them and follow up on them. To the contrary he encourages my independent, logical and responsible thought; taking on more responsibilities, challenges and opportunities. His heart sings when I take initiative. He's busy doing what he does and he is hopeful that whilst he is occupied that I will find delight and sustenance in my own pursuits. More than that he has lately wanted me to take over tasks and duties which were solely in his domain before. He just wants...help.

To be clear, he wouldn't be happy if I suddenly stopped telling him where I was going or what I was doing; communicating with him and liaising with him. But, he definitely does not want to involve himself in tasks such as what I wear, purchase or eat, when I go to bed and so on. I'm a grown up gal not short of smarts as far as he's concerned and I need to make sensible and careful choices myself. If I err, he'll soon tell me, trust me.

Eckhart Tolle, whom I greatly admire said, 'Sometimes letting go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on' and he's right. It's time to hang up my boots in terms of asking for and hoping for a situation that just can't and won't happen.

Somehow this 'letting go', embracing acceptance into my life has opened doors in my mind. Tuesday night has been deemed our night to go see a movie together, and I've had great fun this afternoon checking out holiday destinations and thinking through a fun vacation for the two of us in the near future. I've opened my mind to what I can achieve rather than worrying about what I simply can't achieve. I've accepted responsibility for myself in a number of areas going forward and feel a strange sort of pride in myself for this feeling growing inside me that I  am capable of achieving my goals on my own.

In terms of sexually erotic desires, well, I won't ever give up on them. I know what turns me on and the evidence is clear nothing has, or is likely to change. But, I've also been opening my mind to erotic desire in terms of what turns him on too. Nothing makes him more aroused than when he is immersed in the act of sexual domination, but at the same time he really does love it when I surprise him with an assertive act. I grabbed his cock recently and said something like, 'Isn't it time this was in me?' and it sprung to life. Later he told me that my aggression was very hot.

And, he is not without his ideas. He told me during a visit to an exhibition at the National Gallery on Sunday that he considered having me wear my corset and that was a fun idea. Perhaps I could suggest that he lace me into it when we next go out for dinner.

I adore it when he takes me by surprise and insists on his way. I go gooey at such moments and so very thoroughly enjoy melting into his care and dominance. But, I've spent far too many days seeing this as the only way to be thrilled. I very much want to be close; to have a loving and rich relationship. In many ways it is my role to orchestrate a happy future together. He's the boss and he's put me in charge of fun. It's time to do my duty.

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