Attention

There was something about the feel of this particular morning that reminded me of the time when I was thinking about 'coming out' as a spanko. At that time it was a hectic life;  three children at school and one at college, and a husband who was travelling regularly, working late into the night and completely absorbed in his business endeavours. There wasn't time to scratch myself until these feelings surfaced and refused to be pushed down. The children noticed that there had been a change in me. I was quite suddenly fixated on 'research' on my laptop and dinner time was getting later and later. I seemed somewhat scattered. I remember that the older children told their Dad that, that something was going on with Mum.

There was no doubting the time was drawing near when I would say, in one form or another, 'Hey, remember me, the woman that you married a while back? I want attention and I want it in a particular way!' Actually, what I did do was go out and buy some beautiful lingerie and stockings so that when I did make my announcement I'd look particularly fetching. I was stacking the cards in my favour, definitely, and it paid off.

Fast forward to early this morning and you'd find me awake at dawn due to the whining of the dog. At such times I often turn to tumblr. I'm rather excited about my secondary blog there which covers my spiritual, as opposed to sexual journey. I have separated them out because I'm not finding that they blend together as well as they used to in my mind. Whilst cindi is the entity aiming for surrender both sexual and spiritual, I am finding I can make better sense of this with the two journeys having their own home. The real work is to be done in the spiritual domain, that's what I am discovering; an acknowledgment that, if I can control my mind, I can control everything around me, including my desire to give up control!

Of course, this doesn't sound too 'surrender' like, but it actually is. If one surrenders such that they can accept people as they are, maintain a non-judgmental approach, a peaceful mind, happiness abounds. It's not so much that we have emotions that is the problem but that we can allow negative emotions to control us. To this end, happiness is indeed a learned skill and one that we can hone. But, having said all that, understanding full well that my happiness is my responsibility, I realized this morning that I felt rather like I used to do when immersed in motherhood. I felt like I would rather enjoy some attention on me.

Of one thing I am quite sure, that I am attracted to men who aim to succeed and who work hard to achieve success in whatever arena they choose to compete, and who take their romantic relationships seriously. I remember as a child noticing the friends of my parents and I'd wonder why it was the case that some men were so doting on their wives while other men seemed to have missed that gene. I would not have called my father a doting man exactly but I do remember the day that he bought my mother a very expensive fur coat (back in the day that's what doting men did) with the monies he had saved on his weekly bets. He was a $2 punter mostly but his number system would pay off every now and again with a big win and he'd put this money aside to splurge on my mother. Somewhere in my adolescent brain, it sparked a desire for a man to dote on me, to love me enough to have me in his mind; to have my pleasure and happiness on his mind.

Years ago when we lived in the US, my husband and I were having an indulgent weekend in NYC together and we wandered into Armani, I think it was. The man there knew his trade and he had me slide into a gorgeous coat. I loved it for it made me feel very beautiful. My husband loved it too, I knew that, but the man wouldn't trade, and once a trader always a trader.

I never expected the coat in the first place, had no difficulty living without it of course, but my husband brings it up every so often, that he should have bought that coat. He knows, deep down, as such men know deep down that they aren't buying a coat. Rather, they are giving a clear signal that their wives mean everything to them and this extravagant gift is the symbol of that realization. Of course it doesn't have to be Armani. My husband bought me a hand made summer cotton hat in Nara in Japan and I felt quite adored in that moment. Still, I think you know what I mean about an 'over the top', once in a lifetime sort of gift. It's incredibly special experience in a woman's life.

In my roundabout way I am trying to convey the sense that I think it may very well be the case that submissive women are particularly partial to attention in various forms. Access to our bodies  and to our minds is part of that attention. Using our bodies and submissive state of mind to get attention is what we instinctively know to do.

Right from the beginning, back at college, my husband had his obsessions and I had mine. He'd bicycle off to check on his experiments whilst I read on into Joyce, or Virginia Woolf or Ibsen. It is the same today and then we come together to carry on with the conversation that has been endless for 40 years now - he on the markets, politics and the economy; me on literature, psychology and education. Our relationship was designed around a good dose of independence and interdependence. It was never designed for dependency on my part. He can reign in his attention on me for periods of time but he could never supervise me continually and really I couldn't handle that. Introverts like me need 'me time', introspection time; reflection time. Also he talks 100 words to my one, so I need alone time.

It was whilst reblogging posts for Cindi Surrenders that I realized something important. 'The Awakened State' said this in response to a reader's question: "What we need to acknowledge here is that when we are stuck in cycles of resistance it is because we are not letting go of what we cannot change."

Years ago, when I felt I needed a different form of loving, when I craved that, what I asked for was very clear: spank me. After that, we explored my ability to completely surrender such that I experienced these amazing highs to which I continue to aspire. The lower I got, the higher I became. It was a transformation I adored and still adore. I am fortunate that he is willing to take me on that ride, when he chooses. I have a passion for Kyoto not just because it is one of the most serene and stunning cities I have ever visited but because he was so convincingly sadistic one afternoon. My God, I loved/hated it, and my body stayed on fire for days. We can do this very well so long as he makes up his mind as to what he wants. For Pete's sake don't give me choices. cindi hasn't a clue what to do with choices.

Once these sorts of episodes are over however, I need to return to being me; absorbed in my own interests; happy to take care of myself. This is where the problem may have lain; that I wasn't doing particularly well with that. He put it eloquently to me this way: 'You need to have something to chew on because I don't want you chewing on my ass.'

He is a little bit like a 'mad professor' type. He'll basically work until I say that 'dinner is ready' or 'it's time to leave for the theatre now', or 'I need to get your okay on the apartment I want to rent in Bali'. Why, oh why, haven't I walked in to say, 'It's time for my spanking now' or 'I want to be used now please'? Well, I know why. It feels more authentic to me for him to just do it, like he did in Kyoto. But, in line with the above, that's not the way we have done so many things. Apart from big ticket items over which he has pretty much carte blanche, I do the other stuff and keep him briefed. Why not my sexual needs? (I am trying to convince myself here.)

I can't change who he is. He can't change who he is. I can't change who I am. Perhaps he could change who I am, but he has no desire to do so, particularly. Although...he does want me to take responsibility for having adequate quantities of sex; to ensure that happens. This is our sore point; that just like I have to ensure he gets to the theatre or whatever on time by calling him, I am meant to call him for sex. This strikes me as entirely unreasonable, but again, why I am resisting what I cannot change? Why don't I just initiate, get the ball rolling, because he does definitely respond to that.

At the moment I am hooked on a few auditory files of the 'hypnosis' variety. I love them all but the male on one particular file has this way of putting me to sleep that is just so dreamy. He tells me to be 'empty and obedient' and he lulls me into this erotic state of hypnosis as if he knows exactly what buttons to push, as if he knows me personally. It's hard to keep away from that file. It's hard to not have more attention. I most certainly enjoy the flashlight honed in on me. That's it in a nutshell.