Change is inevitable. We alter when we least expect it, or even want it. There is a tide that flows within us below the surface such that our actions may seem random when in fact they are the outcome of a kaleidoscope of thoughts, actions and reactions. Days turn into months and we realize that we may not be able to return to that person we were back then. We have become another version of ourselves.
The power exchange relationship ideally travels along a continuum where there are rituals and rules that accord with the foundation of the agreement, with more rituals or symbols added as time goes by. It feels comfortable and right; more of the same, but more tight and more intense. Control.
If one can depend on nothing else in this world there is the assurance for the Dominant that the submissive will follow where he leads. There's growth; the kind of growth where the obedience is ever more relied upon; deeper; darker. For some people it works this way. The conditioning makes for this outcome. The very survival of what they have together depends on this outcome.
I think for some of us, however, the level of submission, and even the submissive response itself is not nearly as steady as this. There are moments, passages of time in a person's life, when what one has done until now almost makes no sense. It's a daunting and confusing experience because we've come to rely on that response as being an important part of us and then, suddenly, it can feel like it has vanished.
I strongly doubt that such an important and enduring component of a personality can actually vanish but it can, I am sure, look like it. What has actually happened is that the response is temporarily dormant for reasons that seem, at first blush, incomprehensible.
I could, if I felt so inclined, take the necessary measures to fixate again on my own lascivious lust. I've done it before and thus I can say with authority, it's not hard. But, the motivation is not there. It's just not there and I don't feel inclined to force my hand just for the sake of feeling better or putting things right if it comes at the expense of exploring this current lack of motivation towards the submissive response; letting it be and seeing where it leads. The impulse is to just live rather than question it's right to exist; allow it rather than force it down below the surface.
It's not entirely gone, of course. That's the thing about a submissive response. My husband tied my wrists over the weekend just before I went to sleep and I loved that feeling all through the night; loved the sense of being wholly alive that I felt between my legs the next day.
It's something to do with variety. This thought came to me this morning as I woke. I've been doing the same thing, admittedly very successfully, for about 6 or 7 years, and my mind seems to be demanding change. How could anyone, I asked myself, continue to do the same things forever? Why would it be important for a dominant to insist upon that, when the one thing we do know is that we are forever changing? It's curious that a doll can live forever being a doll, no change for objects, but a woman does change; matures and evolves. This is to be expected and ideally, desired.
Change scares me but so too does complacency and complete stability; tedium. As disconcerting as it is to be beyond the barriers, there is simply no other choice right now. I'm not looking necessarily to see if there is another way to do this. I'm looking to see if there is another way to commute with the world. I'm looking for conversation that allows me to feel closer to the nub of what it is to be human rather than what it is to be 'toy'. I'm reaching out rather than looking in.
I'm saying that this blog was set up to support a specific state of mind and being; as if control or lack of control was the only way to express oneself; one is submissive or one is dominant. I'm not doubting that I am submissive in nature but my mind is doubting if this is the only way to express my entity in the world. I feel like a child that loves his childhood home and will wish to return from time to time but instinctively knows it is time to venture further.
I'm not concerned that this space doesn't allow for my love of gardens, or fashion, or literature or film. I'm concerned, and putting it into words is so difficult, that I can't tolerate being split into two any more: girl here and toy there; silenced in a way where only the toy's impulses are welcomed. What I find that I must give exploration to is the idea, the right of most human beings, that I am a whole human being and that to cut off parts of me, to only want part of me, isn't really what I want. To be pleasing is a very natural way to live and yet there is something driving me to put myself first this time; to answer for myself the question, without prejudice: What do I want?
The power exchange relationship ideally travels along a continuum where there are rituals and rules that accord with the foundation of the agreement, with more rituals or symbols added as time goes by. It feels comfortable and right; more of the same, but more tight and more intense. Control.
If one can depend on nothing else in this world there is the assurance for the Dominant that the submissive will follow where he leads. There's growth; the kind of growth where the obedience is ever more relied upon; deeper; darker. For some people it works this way. The conditioning makes for this outcome. The very survival of what they have together depends on this outcome.
I think for some of us, however, the level of submission, and even the submissive response itself is not nearly as steady as this. There are moments, passages of time in a person's life, when what one has done until now almost makes no sense. It's a daunting and confusing experience because we've come to rely on that response as being an important part of us and then, suddenly, it can feel like it has vanished.
I strongly doubt that such an important and enduring component of a personality can actually vanish but it can, I am sure, look like it. What has actually happened is that the response is temporarily dormant for reasons that seem, at first blush, incomprehensible.
I could, if I felt so inclined, take the necessary measures to fixate again on my own lascivious lust. I've done it before and thus I can say with authority, it's not hard. But, the motivation is not there. It's just not there and I don't feel inclined to force my hand just for the sake of feeling better or putting things right if it comes at the expense of exploring this current lack of motivation towards the submissive response; letting it be and seeing where it leads. The impulse is to just live rather than question it's right to exist; allow it rather than force it down below the surface.
It's not entirely gone, of course. That's the thing about a submissive response. My husband tied my wrists over the weekend just before I went to sleep and I loved that feeling all through the night; loved the sense of being wholly alive that I felt between my legs the next day.
It's something to do with variety. This thought came to me this morning as I woke. I've been doing the same thing, admittedly very successfully, for about 6 or 7 years, and my mind seems to be demanding change. How could anyone, I asked myself, continue to do the same things forever? Why would it be important for a dominant to insist upon that, when the one thing we do know is that we are forever changing? It's curious that a doll can live forever being a doll, no change for objects, but a woman does change; matures and evolves. This is to be expected and ideally, desired.
Change scares me but so too does complacency and complete stability; tedium. As disconcerting as it is to be beyond the barriers, there is simply no other choice right now. I'm not looking necessarily to see if there is another way to do this. I'm looking to see if there is another way to commute with the world. I'm looking for conversation that allows me to feel closer to the nub of what it is to be human rather than what it is to be 'toy'. I'm reaching out rather than looking in.
I'm saying that this blog was set up to support a specific state of mind and being; as if control or lack of control was the only way to express oneself; one is submissive or one is dominant. I'm not doubting that I am submissive in nature but my mind is doubting if this is the only way to express my entity in the world. I feel like a child that loves his childhood home and will wish to return from time to time but instinctively knows it is time to venture further.
I'm not concerned that this space doesn't allow for my love of gardens, or fashion, or literature or film. I'm concerned, and putting it into words is so difficult, that I can't tolerate being split into two any more: girl here and toy there; silenced in a way where only the toy's impulses are welcomed. What I find that I must give exploration to is the idea, the right of most human beings, that I am a whole human being and that to cut off parts of me, to only want part of me, isn't really what I want. To be pleasing is a very natural way to live and yet there is something driving me to put myself first this time; to answer for myself the question, without prejudice: What do I want?
You could blog about anything and mouse for one would read it. There's probably a good many more who would enjoy it too.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, in mouse's mind lately there's been a little swimming around the same thought. The constraints of the lifestyle/life/work/children...where once the blog was a place to talk about the good parts of our power exchange, things in that area are a bit...hmm...same old, same old...
While it's certainly better than nothing, it's also not very "blog worthy".
Hugs,
mouse
mouse: So many blogs have come and gone and perhaps it is for this reason, that we feel that we have said it all already. There is something about this space that I really still like so I'll do my best to find new things to say that hopefully hold some appeal to readers. We are forever changing, that's part of life, so maybe it is good to have a place that stays the same!
ReplyDelete