In a healthy relationship there must be boundaries. If you are inclined to co-dependence, boundaries could well be your struggle. Your partner acts selfishly and/or unthinkingly and you tend to put up with it, rather than expressing your view that you don't appreciate the way they acted. Maybe it feels safer that way. Hold onto that thought...
It's well understood that the forces of human nature are that opposites attract. A submissively inclined person will be attracted to a dominant person, and vice versa, but maintaining the relationship in a healthy state still very much applies. In a healthy relationship there is mutuality and reciprocity.The rules are the same regardless of a power dynamic, or not.
It's very important that a submissive person understands that they are responsible for their relationship; that maintaining a passive stance isn't going to necessarily work against the forces of selfishness or narcissistic behavior. It's not easy, not at all, but creating boundaries for those inclined to take advantage of your nature is absolutely critical for your own emotional health.
The brighter you are, the more likely it is that you feel imposed upon and resentful if you are made to do what you don't believe is right. This will chip away at you, diminish your sense of self-esteem and make you doubt yourself and what you are doing, if not straight away then eventually.
In my opinion it is vital that you keep a discourse running and open such that you can express yourself and any doubts that you may have. If you are asked to sign something, for instance, and a voice in the back of your head suspects it's a mistake, speak up! You owe it yourself to fight for what you believe.
There's a leader in many relationships, not just BDSM type relationships, but that doesn't mean that the other person lost their brain. You're not suddenly and mysteriously struck dumb. Leave the empty headedness for the bedroom. Use the brains that you were born with and were trained to use at college and in the workplace. For God's sake, speak up.
In childhood, shit happens. Parents are often victims of abuse in their childhood and they make mistakes. They can unwittingly behave narcissistically towards their children, become emotional manipulators, even when loving - I'd say not loving unconditionally is the biggest failing - and that leads to emotional harm.
When children are in harm's way emotionally they tend to go one of two ways: either they become passive, sorta co-dependent in their approach to life, or they behave waywardly; the opposite of co-dependent, sorta narcissistic.
The injured children grow up and the tendency is for them to want to dance with their polar opposite. If you are co-dependent then the narcissistic type, the leader at least, seems oh so very comfortable. Finally, you can be you, passive, protected, even if some behaviours of your partner are suss.
There's nothing wrong, as I see it, with wanting to dance with a partner that knows the steps; that fits so well with you. But, there is something wrong with not having boundaries; with not knowing where you stop and the other starts. What you want to be aware of is this: that you might be playing out the trauma you both experienced as children. If so, acknowledge it and make the necessary changes. Since the narcissistic partner won't recognize the pattern this leaves the co-dependent with the task of doing the work, making the necessary changes in the relationship.
Narcissists need to be taken care of. Co-dependents like to take care of people. Narcissists need to feel special. Co-dependents tend to walk on eggshells to ensure that that's the feeling narcissists maintain. It can so easily drift into unhealthy territory. If you're reading this, I think you can see how this can easily happen.
People in healthy relationships work through their problems and differences, but in an unhealthy relationship people may be closed to feedback. There's no shield, but plenty of shame. Even offers of help are unwanted.
The good news is that relationships can get better, healthier; maybe not always, but there is a good chance. It all starts with creating healthy boundaries.
It's well understood that the forces of human nature are that opposites attract. A submissively inclined person will be attracted to a dominant person, and vice versa, but maintaining the relationship in a healthy state still very much applies. In a healthy relationship there is mutuality and reciprocity.The rules are the same regardless of a power dynamic, or not.
It's very important that a submissive person understands that they are responsible for their relationship; that maintaining a passive stance isn't going to necessarily work against the forces of selfishness or narcissistic behavior. It's not easy, not at all, but creating boundaries for those inclined to take advantage of your nature is absolutely critical for your own emotional health.
The brighter you are, the more likely it is that you feel imposed upon and resentful if you are made to do what you don't believe is right. This will chip away at you, diminish your sense of self-esteem and make you doubt yourself and what you are doing, if not straight away then eventually.
In my opinion it is vital that you keep a discourse running and open such that you can express yourself and any doubts that you may have. If you are asked to sign something, for instance, and a voice in the back of your head suspects it's a mistake, speak up! You owe it yourself to fight for what you believe.
There's a leader in many relationships, not just BDSM type relationships, but that doesn't mean that the other person lost their brain. You're not suddenly and mysteriously struck dumb. Leave the empty headedness for the bedroom. Use the brains that you were born with and were trained to use at college and in the workplace. For God's sake, speak up.
In childhood, shit happens. Parents are often victims of abuse in their childhood and they make mistakes. They can unwittingly behave narcissistically towards their children, become emotional manipulators, even when loving - I'd say not loving unconditionally is the biggest failing - and that leads to emotional harm.
When children are in harm's way emotionally they tend to go one of two ways: either they become passive, sorta co-dependent in their approach to life, or they behave waywardly; the opposite of co-dependent, sorta narcissistic.
The injured children grow up and the tendency is for them to want to dance with their polar opposite. If you are co-dependent then the narcissistic type, the leader at least, seems oh so very comfortable. Finally, you can be you, passive, protected, even if some behaviours of your partner are suss.
There's nothing wrong, as I see it, with wanting to dance with a partner that knows the steps; that fits so well with you. But, there is something wrong with not having boundaries; with not knowing where you stop and the other starts. What you want to be aware of is this: that you might be playing out the trauma you both experienced as children. If so, acknowledge it and make the necessary changes. Since the narcissistic partner won't recognize the pattern this leaves the co-dependent with the task of doing the work, making the necessary changes in the relationship.
Narcissists need to be taken care of. Co-dependents like to take care of people. Narcissists need to feel special. Co-dependents tend to walk on eggshells to ensure that that's the feeling narcissists maintain. It can so easily drift into unhealthy territory. If you're reading this, I think you can see how this can easily happen.
People in healthy relationships work through their problems and differences, but in an unhealthy relationship people may be closed to feedback. There's no shield, but plenty of shame. Even offers of help are unwanted.
The good news is that relationships can get better, healthier; maybe not always, but there is a good chance. It all starts with creating healthy boundaries.
I agree with you very much on this :)
ReplyDeleteHi Daisy,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the comment very much. For years I've known *something* was off about my intimate relationships over my life but I could never quite put my finger on it. I just knew that I was terrified of being considered "selfish" or of not trying hard enough, or not giving my partner enough of myself; in effect, not being 'submissive' enough. I've read and read over the past few years but it is only in the past few weeks that it has all fitted together in my mind. I've made a number of mistakes for sure but probably the most important one is not having healthy boundaries. If I can save one person from going through a similar emotional whirlpool by raising these matters, it is worth it.
My pleasure :)
DeleteYour not selfish for having needs or wants as a submissive. The way I see it is it's called a power exchange for a reason you exchange power so you are both happy. Negotiatation is key :)
I'm sure all submissives have that oh no I don't want to say what I want because then I'm control. I have had that thought too but in the end the submissive has to be happy and as long as you try to please your Dom that's the main thing. It should always be your choice :)
Daisy:
ReplyDeleteI agree. Negotiation is key as is feeling happy with the relationship you share.
I think I may well have learned in childhood through necessity the coping mechanism of looking after other people and burying my own needs. I think it made me vulnerable in certain situations to accepting behaviour I should have not. It's taken me a long time to see the situation clearly, so logically speaking I know I'm not selfish for having needs but still those thoughts were there below the surface. I feel much stronger now, thank goodness. Thanks again.
My pleasure Vesta :)
Delete