I began life with one obsession/kink and over time I added on several other kinks. I was about eight, I'd say, when I first imagined being disciplined as my bath would draw. It was easy to hide this situation from any adults because I'd simply bend over and touch my toes. Being flexible and having started ballet at the age of four, this would not have seemed at all unusual to anyone, as far as I know. I'd be imagining being in trouble and in order to discipline me I'd be told to bend over and take a spanking. I still do the same thing today; bend over as my bath is drawing and imagine that I have been told to do this in order to be spanked. Some things don't change.
It's clear to any reader who has been around these parts for a time that my thinking brain does not always approve of my kinks and I do find myself occasionally catching the kink and speaking back to it.
"I don't want that. Why would I want that?"
This is true, in a sense, because I don't necessarily want to be disciplined. I crave to be disciplined.
Since discipline did, in fact, become a part of my reality, there have been times, for various reasons, when it hasn't been a part of my life. Sometimes, I feel the crushing blow instantly and know immediately what I have lost and how lost I will be without it. Other times, I celebrate for a full 48 hours, thrilled that I am finally done with the craving, only to discover that it is not so easy, and I'll take any consequence if I can just have the discipline back in my life. It's pervasive. It's permanent, in terms of desire, and there is nothing I can do about that.
I like to imagine what the discipline would look like, if I were to be at the beginning of a relationship with a man (of no discernible features or identity); a man who sees me as his to do as he wants; a man who suits himself. By imagining in this way, I can go to scenarios where I allow my thoughts to run free; to test myself.
There is absolutely no doubt that when I came to see him, or he came to see me, he'd have told me what he wanted. My hair and make up, the clothing I wore, my jewellery and my mode of presentation of my body would all be dictated by him. Without a doubt, he'd ensure that I had complied in all ways.
This is a man who looks to transform me in virtually all ways that suit him, so he'd be gradually but assuredly making changes to my body and my mind that pleased him. It's likely therefore that he'd ask me to wear an anal plug, a particular plug of his choosing, one that stretched me, literally and figuratively, challenged me and reduced me to a toy. He'd therefore want to make inspection of that area of my body particularly. He'd like me to feel vulnerable, that I do things at his behest and that I comply, without exception. Finding me just as he demanded would please him greatly and he'd tell me that he was pleased. I'm a 'praise slut' and he'd know that, since a "good girl" had gone a very long way right from the start.
In fact, there'd be no reason to punish me at all, but that does not mean that he'd not discipline me in a corporal way. He'd know from our discussions that it was a kink of mine, and in any case, he'd love to see me squirm and wiggle under his hand; to hear me grunt and groan as he brought the whip down on my backside. Nothing would please him more as he watched my rump change colors and I don't even need to say that lust would eventually overtake him and that he'd find me a wet mess, praying to God that he'd plunder me at the earliest opportunity.
It's incredibly difficult for me to imagine that this scenario, or various interpretations of it, could ever grow old. These images are with me every day of my life. There's not the slightest chance, as far as I can see, that they are going anywhere.
It's clear to any reader who has been around these parts for a time that my thinking brain does not always approve of my kinks and I do find myself occasionally catching the kink and speaking back to it.
"I don't want that. Why would I want that?"
This is true, in a sense, because I don't necessarily want to be disciplined. I crave to be disciplined.
Since discipline did, in fact, become a part of my reality, there have been times, for various reasons, when it hasn't been a part of my life. Sometimes, I feel the crushing blow instantly and know immediately what I have lost and how lost I will be without it. Other times, I celebrate for a full 48 hours, thrilled that I am finally done with the craving, only to discover that it is not so easy, and I'll take any consequence if I can just have the discipline back in my life. It's pervasive. It's permanent, in terms of desire, and there is nothing I can do about that.
I like to imagine what the discipline would look like, if I were to be at the beginning of a relationship with a man (of no discernible features or identity); a man who sees me as his to do as he wants; a man who suits himself. By imagining in this way, I can go to scenarios where I allow my thoughts to run free; to test myself.
There is absolutely no doubt that when I came to see him, or he came to see me, he'd have told me what he wanted. My hair and make up, the clothing I wore, my jewellery and my mode of presentation of my body would all be dictated by him. Without a doubt, he'd ensure that I had complied in all ways.
This is a man who looks to transform me in virtually all ways that suit him, so he'd be gradually but assuredly making changes to my body and my mind that pleased him. It's likely therefore that he'd ask me to wear an anal plug, a particular plug of his choosing, one that stretched me, literally and figuratively, challenged me and reduced me to a toy. He'd therefore want to make inspection of that area of my body particularly. He'd like me to feel vulnerable, that I do things at his behest and that I comply, without exception. Finding me just as he demanded would please him greatly and he'd tell me that he was pleased. I'm a 'praise slut' and he'd know that, since a "good girl" had gone a very long way right from the start.
In fact, there'd be no reason to punish me at all, but that does not mean that he'd not discipline me in a corporal way. He'd know from our discussions that it was a kink of mine, and in any case, he'd love to see me squirm and wiggle under his hand; to hear me grunt and groan as he brought the whip down on my backside. Nothing would please him more as he watched my rump change colors and I don't even need to say that lust would eventually overtake him and that he'd find me a wet mess, praying to God that he'd plunder me at the earliest opportunity.
It's incredibly difficult for me to imagine that this scenario, or various interpretations of it, could ever grow old. These images are with me every day of my life. There's not the slightest chance, as far as I can see, that they are going anywhere.
Oh. I can so totally relate to this. Not just the particular kind of fantasy, but that it started when I was about 8 and that it has been with my for the last - the last 50 years. i guess it will be mine forever too, and i don't think i'm really going to get it, although i thought for a while that i might.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow.
Thank you for writing this.
sofia
sofia: Thank you for your comment. I really do love to hear from a reader, especially if they have never commented before. It really does strike me as vexing and noteworthy that a woman (or man) can express their desires and need to express their sexuality and their 'self' in a certain way, and yet the man (or woman) that is their (potential) partner cannot really 'hear' them. Whether it is social conditioning or perhaps even a sense of it being 'wrong', or maybe that they are just too inclined to want their own form of sexuality to take center stage, I don't know. I think women like me are looking for a certain containment and hence they need to feel a deep connection which might include the mixing of pain and pleasure. I suspect that many women like us are able to tap into their sub-conscious desires and once they do, at whatever age, those thoughts will be with them forever. In other words, you can't put something back once it has come out of Pandora's box. I am at a loss to understand why it is such an issue for a man to look after a woman in this way. It doesn't preclude her being independent in other areas of her life or useful, and it certainly doesn't stop her caring and loving him. To the contrary, a woman who is loved and cared for in a way that completes her and satisfies her cravings and deepest, darkest desires is likely to hold her man in the highest regard, wanting nothing more than to worship the one person in the world who understands her so intimately; who 'gets' her. Why a man would miss out on this, I'll never, ever understand. Don't give up. Stay open. My very best to you.
ReplyDeleteThis post and your above comment are so spot on. I tried to get my husband on board with my desires for a year and a half and he wants no part of it. So now I have to figure out how to give him what HE wants without getting what I want. The questions are, "how much am I supposed to change for him when he will not change for me?" and the like. I do not understand how he can say he loves me so much and yet not try to give me what I want/need. But I do take great comfort in knowing that there are women out there that feel the same and not only that but their men are the same as mine in their way of thinking. So thanks for this post. It has given me much to think about.
ReplyDeleteSW: I don't have a magical cure at all but it is very important, I think, to be realistic about what one can be achieved, based on the two individuals involved. It might never be like your best fantasies but what if you shared you fantasies with one another and did a trade, of sorts?
ReplyDeleteIn my case, out of the blue, the past 5 days have been wildly different for us and it's brought us a lot closer. How did that happen? Well, he saw my despair to the point where my anger was obvious and he made a choice to take over the situation (save us both) by asserting himself. This allowed me to experience what I need and it all (or a great deal, anyway) fell into place. His efforts in this way enabled me to be MUCH softer and empathic and in turn he listened to me about what might have gone wrong with his health, and we both moved towards one another. One step led to the next step and suddenly the momentum was positive rather than negative. My experience is that my husband doesn't naturally, say, look to spank me, but when he does, it is very arousing to him. He loves it once he actually determines to do it. I do wonder, what man wouldn't love it when he sees how aroused his wife is and how happy you both can be? I'm very sorry that I'm not able at this time to take the time to read your blog in detail, but what about asking him if he would please spank you, as a very special favor? Do you think he would do that for you, if you asked ever so nicely??