When we desire something a great deal, and then one day that desire is met, what happens? Well, then there is no more desire for a time and we experience feelings of well being, joy and peace. Lack of desire brings us a sense of fulfillment, until the next round of desire takes place and we repeat the process all over again.
With that in mind it occurred to me over the past day or so that if I were to give up my desires, perhaps that would have a positive effect.
The moment I hit on this idea it had a calming effect on me. Rather than pine that my desire could not be fulfilled, I could stop desiring and feel whole. Instead of living my life as if something were missing, I could embrace my life as it is right now.
I think it is a confusing notion in ways - the lack of desire bringing peace - because it is desire that spurs us on. We can't get a degree, or clean a house, or improve a relationship without a desire to do so. People tend to do well in areas that turn them on; in aspects of life in which they desire to do well.
Perhaps desire is not constructive when the desire has too much fire, such that the desire is destructive to achieving the goal. Desires do require patience; nurturing.
Thus, while I continue to desire a relationship with my husband that has a power exchange dynamic that is expressed sexually and with an understanding of spiritual connection via that sexuality and control, right now the right thing appears to be to let go of that desire and just enjoy what we have right now.
Instead of seeing it as 'not enough', as I have been inclined to do, but embracing it for what it is and all its strengths, perhaps the way is cleared for positive progress for later on.
One of the issues for people who have been together for a very long time is that they are so attached to one another that distress in one spouse leads the other to feel estranged. No one likes to feel that they are not making the other happy and that feeling leads to distance.
In my experience there needs to be a softening of the heart towards one another - a move, or even several moves towards one another - that clears the way ahead for much greater intimacy, in whatever form that takes.
There is no denying that intimacy between us that takes a certain shape is incredibly uplifting for me. Once I experience it that way, the desire is removed and that means all that is left is peace. I'm uplifted and very happy. There is no thought that can replace this thought because for me it is a very natural reaction to the sort of intimacy where I feel that I what I desire has been granted.
However, wanting something can be emotionally painful because we can feel that we are being denied. Yet, in essence the thought of 'desire' or 'want' is really just like any other thought - a thought that passes through our minds, that comes and goes.
If we get stuck on that thought - obsess about it - we are causing internal and external distress. We are removing the opportunity to be the awareness of our thoughts; to be aware that we are the blank piece of white paper over which there comes all kinds of writing. Peace can be ours when we return in our minds to that thought - that the peace resides in us.
Some people may say that I am denying what is clear - that I operate best with a submissive stance and with dominance presence. I am certainly not denying that fact.
However, pining for what I don't currently have much of is to relegate what I do have to the slush pool, and it has much more worth than that.
In any case, to remove the need for dominance in my life and the opportunities for peace that dominance brings is to remove the limit of the need.
By removing the limit of the need, by embracing what my life as it currently presents itself is, I'm opening myself up to new expressions of intimacy. I think I'm also opening myself to more expression of the intimacy that I have found so consoling and uplifting in the past.
In order to experience the delights of dominance one must first show comfort and ease in a submissive role. One needs to put aside desire that makes one edgy and inclined to withdraw. To those with a dominant disposition, even a dominant disposition that is not currently being overtly expressed, anything else is confusing and alienating.
One needs to make one's peace with the circumstances as they have played out. Empathy is required; a commitment to find intimacy in some other way, for now. As my husband likes to say, "You can't fuck a porcupine."
With that in mind it occurred to me over the past day or so that if I were to give up my desires, perhaps that would have a positive effect.
The moment I hit on this idea it had a calming effect on me. Rather than pine that my desire could not be fulfilled, I could stop desiring and feel whole. Instead of living my life as if something were missing, I could embrace my life as it is right now.
I think it is a confusing notion in ways - the lack of desire bringing peace - because it is desire that spurs us on. We can't get a degree, or clean a house, or improve a relationship without a desire to do so. People tend to do well in areas that turn them on; in aspects of life in which they desire to do well.
Perhaps desire is not constructive when the desire has too much fire, such that the desire is destructive to achieving the goal. Desires do require patience; nurturing.
Thus, while I continue to desire a relationship with my husband that has a power exchange dynamic that is expressed sexually and with an understanding of spiritual connection via that sexuality and control, right now the right thing appears to be to let go of that desire and just enjoy what we have right now.
Instead of seeing it as 'not enough', as I have been inclined to do, but embracing it for what it is and all its strengths, perhaps the way is cleared for positive progress for later on.
One of the issues for people who have been together for a very long time is that they are so attached to one another that distress in one spouse leads the other to feel estranged. No one likes to feel that they are not making the other happy and that feeling leads to distance.
In my experience there needs to be a softening of the heart towards one another - a move, or even several moves towards one another - that clears the way ahead for much greater intimacy, in whatever form that takes.
There is no denying that intimacy between us that takes a certain shape is incredibly uplifting for me. Once I experience it that way, the desire is removed and that means all that is left is peace. I'm uplifted and very happy. There is no thought that can replace this thought because for me it is a very natural reaction to the sort of intimacy where I feel that I what I desire has been granted.
However, wanting something can be emotionally painful because we can feel that we are being denied. Yet, in essence the thought of 'desire' or 'want' is really just like any other thought - a thought that passes through our minds, that comes and goes.
If we get stuck on that thought - obsess about it - we are causing internal and external distress. We are removing the opportunity to be the awareness of our thoughts; to be aware that we are the blank piece of white paper over which there comes all kinds of writing. Peace can be ours when we return in our minds to that thought - that the peace resides in us.
Some people may say that I am denying what is clear - that I operate best with a submissive stance and with dominance presence. I am certainly not denying that fact.
However, pining for what I don't currently have much of is to relegate what I do have to the slush pool, and it has much more worth than that.
In any case, to remove the need for dominance in my life and the opportunities for peace that dominance brings is to remove the limit of the need.
By removing the limit of the need, by embracing what my life as it currently presents itself is, I'm opening myself up to new expressions of intimacy. I think I'm also opening myself to more expression of the intimacy that I have found so consoling and uplifting in the past.
In order to experience the delights of dominance one must first show comfort and ease in a submissive role. One needs to put aside desire that makes one edgy and inclined to withdraw. To those with a dominant disposition, even a dominant disposition that is not currently being overtly expressed, anything else is confusing and alienating.
One needs to make one's peace with the circumstances as they have played out. Empathy is required; a commitment to find intimacy in some other way, for now. As my husband likes to say, "You can't fuck a porcupine."
There is no harm in desiring more, as long as one takes time to also celebrate what one already has. Perhaps it is this balance that you seek?
ReplyDeleteI love this post. As a woman married for 46 years, I also find that we fall in love with new aspects of each other every several years. And agree wholeheartedly that often, it is smiling at half a loaf that leads in the end to receiving the whole. And your husband's comment is both apropos and hilarious. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteLetting go, not dwelling on what I desire, not feeding the desire, and focusing on all the other good stuff are all ways to be happier. But that doesn't make the desire go away, and I don't think true joy and fulfillment ever happen until the desires of my heart are satisfied. This is not encouraging, I know.
ReplyDeleteSusan aka July Girl
Rollymo: "Balance" is such a comforting word and it makes sense to me that I try to find that comfortable place between appreciating what I have and desiring more, because in my experience to date you can't will the desire away really. It is always there, as much as I wish it would leave me be. I know the peace for me comes when there is no desire - when I was living as I so very much crave to live.
ReplyDeleteGenuine Risk: It is always lovely to have a comment from a new reader. It seems to me that you have a wonderfully happy and successful marriage. There is no doubting that all marriages have their ups and downs and believing in the union in all its shapes is a wonderfully positive and productive outlook. Frankly, I observe my husband some days and wonder where my real husband is hiding. It's incredibly difficult not to have his positive and assertive energy in my life. I think there will be a change, but perhaps not until next year. I think I may have to ride this year out on my own and so I look for sustenance in my life on my own in large measure and remain hopeful the tide will turn eventually.
Susan: You're right, in my opinion, the desire doesn't go away. The desire to live authentically remains with me every minute of every day. I really thrive with intimacy. However, I have found the desire can swamp me. There is something inside me telling me to keep moving right now, to keep evolving and growing and learning and not to allow the desire to bowl me over.