Expectations

There was an inspiring story on Australia's 60 Minutes last night explaining how PTSD sufferers had a real chance of moving on with their lives after they'd completed a gruelling 3 day bicycle ride which  makes up part of the Tour de France. I noted a couple of things in particular:

First of all, those most able to walk in another person's shoes were most likely to suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, probably putting the submissive profile most at risk of this condition.

Secondly, the punishing exercise and the sense of achievement gained from completing the course seemed to reset their minds to a sense of a positive future. Of course, it didn't hurt that they had the wonderful Cadel Evans, winner of the Tour de France and the ever funny Hamish Blake there riding with them, but it says something about how crucial exercise is to a healthy and positive state of mind.

I'm only a few days into committing to beginning my days with exercise in the park but I am already astounded at my improved state of mind, my sense of positivism and my daily output.

I've always felt that you do a submissive person like me a favour when you give them an expectation that they'll exercise regularly. We so like to please and for there to be expectations of us to which we can aspire. If we get fit and happy as a result, where's the downside of including fitness into the regimen?

Praise and affection: The essential ingredients

Dominant people want to be in control. That's their nature. At all costs, they have to prevail. If they don't prevail, much is lost for both partners, though clever types will eventually register that in any relationship there has to be some compromise and adjustments.

When a submissive is uncomfortable with a command it suggests that something has gone wrong with the delicate balance of power and energy between the two people. The Dominant takes and the submissive gives because they both want that, but that doesn't mean that something about the flow of energy between them might be unsatisfactory at some stage. Unfortunately, a remark by the submissive that she is having a problem with the command may be taken as a rebuke or a complaint.

That's a difficult situation because the Dominant might interpret this as a 'mistake' on his part and I suspect that is an even more uncomfortable thought for him than any thought that the submissive isn't co-operating or being obedient. I think sensitive people, as opposed to completely selfish people, harbor some guilt that they might have gone one step too far or been a bit greedy about how much they could fairly take from the submissive.

My strongest tendency in the submissive role is to want to make things right. I want the other to be untroubled and for there to be a smooth flow and ease of life and transactions. My biggest flaw, I think, is that I'm willing to do just about anything to enable the other to have his way and thus to be happy with me. I jog along and jog along until my sensibilities are disrupted and then I must listen to my own mind and register that all is not right. I think this is inevitable, that eventually concerned feelings rise to the surface and require expression. It's just the way the mind works.

Let's say he gives a directive. It's been a steady flow of advancement to this point and he's been forthright and determined (as well as patient), taking her onto more and more advanced levels of this training.

He's excited himself, of course. He loves to see her 'succeed' within the dominant flow of energy he provides and she's tried hard; very hard. Now he wants more - more than she thinks she can give and she expresses her doubts but goes on, endures, because he insists on that. He will prevail. She will succeed. With his steadfast determination she does succeed. Much happiness ensues. Now she's done it she has to do it again, and again, until the expectation is that she do it every day. That's enough in itself, one would have thought. But, there is more.

It becomes ho hum; everyday; not that big of a deal. Not only is she to do it every day and report on it everyday but she is to do it with no expectation of it being praised, or even discussed. It's a regimen now, one that takes her time, her focus, her endurance and that has consequences for her that aren't altogether positive or convenient, but a regimen nonetheless; part of her life.

She's tried hard to accept his demands. It is the way she is built, to try to see the best in things and to try to make things work, but eventually she is upset within herself. She's willing to do whatever makes people happy but she's no pushover, no circus dog doing tricks, and that is the way she has come to feel; that her sensibilities are disrupted.

I simply abhor this feeling myself. You might call my sensibilities, my ego, but a woman has nothing but her sensibilities/instincts/intuition to rely on in these situations. Quite unlike a circus dog doing tricks, she's a woman with an overwhelming desire to experience the surge of energy that comes from the Dominant when she gives her energy to him. That's the deal. That's what allows her to do whatever he wants of her - the attention, the affection,the praise together with the control. There isn't much she can do without those ingredients in the mix. She's can't rise without them and so the feelings falls flat.

I think this is where reliance on regimens can go awry. Is it a vanilla style regimen that I cook dinner every night? I'd say so. Is that regimen/rule going to keep a relationship ticking over nicely? Of course not. I need someone to say that they enjoy that meal if I am going to get any jubes out of cooking the meal. The same rule applies to power exchange. Attention. Affection. Praise. It's really very simple.

Regimen

I began life with one obsession/kink and over time I added on several other kinks. I was about eight, I'd say, when I first imagined being disciplined as my bath would draw. It was easy to hide this situation from any adults because I'd simply bend over and touch my toes. Being flexible and having started ballet at the age of four, this would not have seemed at all unusual to anyone, as far as I know. I'd be imagining being in trouble and in order to discipline me I'd be told to bend over and take a spanking. I still do the same thing today; bend over as my bath is drawing and imagine that I have been told to do this in order to be spanked. Some things don't change.

It's clear to any reader who has been around these parts for a time that my thinking brain does not always approve of my kinks and I do find myself occasionally catching the kink and speaking back to it.

"I don't want that. Why would I want that?"

This is true, in a sense, because I don't necessarily want to be disciplined. I crave to be disciplined.

Since discipline did, in fact, become a part of my reality, there have been times, for various reasons, when it hasn't been a part of my life. Sometimes, I feel the crushing blow instantly and know immediately what I have lost and how lost I will be without it. Other times, I celebrate for a full 48 hours, thrilled that I am finally done with the craving, only to discover that it is not so easy, and I'll take any consequence if I can just have the discipline back in my life. It's pervasive. It's permanent, in terms of desire, and there is nothing I can do about that.

I like to imagine what the discipline would look like, if I were to be at the beginning of a relationship with a man (of no discernible features or identity); a man who sees me as his to do as he wants; a man who suits himself. By imagining in this way, I can go to scenarios where I allow my thoughts to run free; to test myself.

There is absolutely no doubt that when I came to see him, or he came to see me, he'd have told me what he wanted. My hair and make up, the clothing I wore, my jewellery and my mode of presentation of my body would all be dictated by him. Without a doubt, he'd ensure that I had complied in all ways.

This is a man who looks to transform me in virtually all ways that suit him, so he'd be gradually but assuredly making changes to my body and my mind that pleased him. It's likely therefore that he'd ask me to wear an anal plug, a particular plug of his choosing, one that stretched me, literally and figuratively, challenged me and reduced me to a toy. He'd therefore want to make inspection of that area of my body particularly. He'd like me to feel vulnerable, that I do things at his behest and that I comply, without exception. Finding me just as he demanded would please him greatly and he'd tell me that he was pleased. I'm a 'praise slut' and he'd know that, since a "good girl" had gone a very long way right from the start.

In fact, there'd be no reason to punish me at all, but that does not mean that he'd not discipline me in a corporal way. He'd know from our discussions that it was a kink of mine, and in any case, he'd love to see me squirm and wiggle under his hand; to hear me grunt and groan as he brought the whip down on my backside. Nothing would please him more as he watched my rump change colors and I don't even need to say that lust would eventually overtake him and that he'd find me a wet mess, praying to God that he'd plunder me at the earliest opportunity.

It's incredibly difficult for me to imagine that this scenario, or various interpretations of it, could ever grow old. These images are with me every day of my life. There's not the slightest chance, as far as I can see, that they are going anywhere.