When I'm happy

I have been noticing something about myself,  which is a good thing in itself. There is no value in going about living one's life oblivious to things. Noticing things is a good thing. I've noticed that when I feel unhappy or that something isn't right, I dwell on it and when I am feeling happy I don't dwell on that happiness, almost as if to dwell on it is to jinx it in some way, or as if I am 'entitled' to feel this way and not any other way, or as if it is my 'default' position and doesn't need to be noticed. This isn't right.

I am happy. I am happy for various reasons but most of all I am happy to be giving and receiving love in my life. I am happy to feel content with my life (regardless of the fact that things aren't 'perfect'). I'm happy to have time to myself after such a hectic festive holiday period. Time to myself is vital to my happiness. There is no way I can't 'notice' this. Time writing here is part of that private time that I covet.

I know when I am happy and in tune with my inner being. When I feel like this I settle into my husband's body in bed. Sure, "sooner or later you sleep in your own space" but I spend part of the nights locked in my husband's arms. That the true test of the pudding for me, the desire to connect; to feel 'at one'; to know where and to whom I belong.

I am happy when we are happy. That's worth noticing.

Helplessness

Sub-consciously many of us are working on some sort of negative feeling (e.g. sense of abandonment) from our past, perhaps attached to it, playing it out over and over until we reach some sort of consciousness of what is happening; perhaps finding some sort of resolution of that feeling.

If you consider my fantasy life, there isn't much doubt about the fact that it is associated with a feeling of helplessness. The fantasy this morning was a very typical scenario for me. Disobedience had ensued and when the matter was brought to my "owner's" attention, he made the necessary arrangements for my correction.

Although he had to rush off to a meeting (in my fantasies my "owner" is practically always a busy man who avails himself of a woman in the house to instigate some discipline for me on his behalf), the housekeeper was given instructions to see that I was paddled very soundly, such that sitting would be uncomfortable for the rest of the week. Then, I was to sit on my meditation cushion facing a wall, so as not to be distracted. I was to sit my beaten backside directly on the cushion and to think about my behavior, until my owner returned when we would discuss the matter.

To put it another way, I am at the mercy of other people in my fantasy life and subject to their rules and regulations. I am contained quite tightly and many situations taken for granted by most people are privileges to me. I am acutely aware that I am owned, that I am no more or less than property, and that whenever it should be deemed appropriate, required or enjoyed, I am corporeally disciplined.

It usually goes much further than a good thrashing. Certainly, intense anal training is part of my fantasy life and so too is intense use of my body; my holes. It is not at all uncommon for me to be restrained in ways where my holes are made available for prolonged use, sometimes by more (many more?) men than just my owner (as per his requirements of me). It's a challenging life I lead in my fantasies and the more challenge I face, the more I get off. Used and degraded intensely in a fantasy rolling through my head, my body may be covered in a coat of sweat, because the sort of smut that enters my mind, turns on my body in a very profound and deeply arousing way.

Some psychologists may say that a person like me is locked in a cycle of helplessness; that I am "attached" to that feeling, and that although I don't want to feel helpless in real life, in my mind I am playing the feeling out over and over again, until I can find a way to overcome that feeling of helplessness and move on with my life.

I am aware of this possible situation and I don't reject it. For several years now, via this online journal and other strategies, I have tried to bring my subconscious mind into my conscious awareness. I realize that I have, at times, felt very helpless and subject to the vagaries of life's winds blowing me about and rendering me helpless.

The awareness has been a great help to me. Conscious now of the helplessness cycle I'm also conscious of the ways that this feeling has held me back in life. This is tremendously helpful because it is opening doors in my mind to new possibilities. I am beginning to feel much more a creator of my own life and future rather than subject to the decisions of other people and 'destiny'. I feel more in control of my own life and the power of my own mind. I feel much more hopeful and much less helpless.

However, the fantasy life continues. Awareness has done absolutely nothing to alter the extreme arousal I experience when I fantasize or experience this helplessness in a scene played out in the bedroom. The more contained I am, the more helpless I feel and the more the other person is in control, the more intense my arousal.

I remain unconvinced that if I were to make wads of money or become an overnight creative success, and/or to have absolutely no reason to feel helpless in any way in my real life, that I would cease to have these fantasies. These fantasies have now been with me for over 50 years. My arousal from them continues to grow. My desire to feel helpless in such scenarios is very real. When they are acted out I feel a sense of relief; satisfaction; elevation of spirit and intense happiness.

It is interesting to me that although I feel less and less helpless in real life that my inner life still holds onto and covets feelings of helplessness. These men (and women by extension) are sometimes owners who have my best interests at heart (sort of) but they are often mean and nasty Headmaster types who see it as their role to train young women to obey men; to train them to understand their place and purpose; to service men. It is not all beer and skittles. It is not all well intentioned at all.

There is my real life and my conscious understanding that it is my right and my responsibility to be all that I can be in this life at the same time as my fantasy life makes all such thoughts void. My goodness, in my fantasy life I'm there to serve; to obey; to do exactly as told and only that. How profound it is (and how confusing at times) that I'm never more happy than in those minutes, hours and days after a good hiding; extensive use of my body; containment of my mind; reminder of my 'true purpose'. I never said it wasn't complicated!   

Merry (kinky) Christmas

The shopping was done, the Christmas Eve dinner cooked and eaten when I decided to have a sneak peak at my emails before finalizing the wrapping of presents this evening. Lo and behold, what did I find but an email from my friend Abel Jenkins alerting to me the fact that I had won an award! I could not have been more surprised, nor more honored to read Abel's very generous and glowing remarks. Thank you, most sincerely, my friend. My writing here is very much a labor of love and I am thrilled you are enjoying it.

I know it is traditional at this time to wish readers a very Merry Christmas and I do, of course, hope that your day is filled with love and happiness. However, I can't resist also taking this opportunity to share how very possible it is to include kinkiness into a very busy festive season.

It has been a very hectic period of time for me. Like so many mothers, the bulk of the responsibility for a happy Christmas for family members falls on my shoulders and there does come a moment when Christmas can seem more work than joy. It's not that I don't enjoy Christmas, it's that mothers do eventually tire.

I had no more than a few minutes chat with a close friend this morning before I needed to head out to the nail salon for the first appointment of their busy day. A girl can go without much rest during stressful periods of time, but a girl can't go without her fortnightly trip to the nail salon. Let me assure of this.

My friend knows that I need to express my kinky side very regularly or else I tend to run down, so I shared with him, knowing that he would understand, that as I awoke I had some lovely contained thoughts to start my day - nothing severe, but contained in my thoughts was I, nonetheless.

"Relish in it," he replied, an acknowledgement from him, yet again, that the whole idea was to enjoy the expression of my true self.

This exchange isn't a one-way street by any means and I also wanted to remind him to relax and enjoy his kinky thoughts, a few moments of interlude in his busy work day. What would he like for Christmas, I asked. Hmmm, he wasn't sure.

"A dolly for the day? Someone to tend to his every need?" I suggested.

Oh yes, he thought that would be yummy. I could almost hear him already making plans.

I explained that I was off to the nail salon and he voiced his expectation that I would go plugged. The thought had occurred to me, actually. I know what soothes me and aids me in busy periods when I don't have much time to myself. However, I wasn't sure that I wanted to challenge myself too far. I voiced (typed) that sentiment and then he voiced (typed) his.

Of course, he was quite right. I need to be challenged. Challenge enables me to be my true, kinky self - to be aware of that side of me no matter what else I am doing. Challenges contains my submissive nature in a way that elevates my spirit and puts a smile on my face in the toughest Christmas shopping predicament.

To the world at large it looked like I was reveling in preparing for Christmas; peaceful and serene. To those here, there is more to the story, as you would know. Expressing my submissive side, even in this private way, enables me to revel in nearly all experiences. If I were wearing a sign it might say this.

"My name is Vesta and I am a woman with a submissive nature. To express my nature makes me blissfully happy. Right now, even though you can't see,  I'm being contained and challenged. I love every minute of it."

Have a very happy Christmas. Do be nice, but don't forget to be naughty.

To you and all mankind

For whatever reason, the people of this city have been finding difficulty in getting into the Christmas spirit. I've heard this sentiment wherever I go and possibly it relates to our unseasonal weather. I was actually hosting my book club's Christmas dinner on the evening of my youngest son Carol's service wherein he sings in the choir and I do wonder if missing that early season Christmas activity affected my interest in the festive season this year.  I am sure that is so, in fact, because various get-togethers with people, Christmas shopping and gift buying has done little to assist my sense of obligation rather than joy in the festive season. I'm tired and it can show, like right now.

As I prepare for two large gatherings at my home in the next few days, this early evening found me vacuuming, taking along a dust cloth as I went, to clean various surfaces. I reached a point where I felt it was time for a glass of wine, as you do. I turned on the television to find Rick Stein celebrating a Cornish Christmas. It was fine. There was lots of fancy food, but it didn't 'strut my stuff' until the very end of the program when, with wine glasses in hand, about a dozen men got up to sing. I distinctly remember the words "to you and all mankind". It struck a chord, finally, because the truth is that Christmas isn't just about family but about having a sense of community as well. In many ways, for me, Christmas is about music making.

I was reminded of the importance of music in our lives at an event early in December. Two key educators left my sons' school at this time after many decades of service to a fine school and a huge cocktail part was held in their honor in the main hall, a sacrosanct place for both of them. This is where they had spoken in thousands of assemblies of the whole senior school. This is where their fondest memories were laid down.

 For different reasons I approached them both, when I could find a private quiet moment with them, and wished them well for their retirement. They had had an impact on my sons' lives and I wanted to share that with them. My youngest son had just sung a solo as part of a small choir, a gift to them, a favorite song. Interestingly both men said to me that they regretted in their final tribute, just said, that they had forgotten to mention the singing at school; how much they had enjoyed that, and how integral the singing was to the school, whether that was the House Choral competition, singing in daily assemblies, or all the choirs of boys that sang at concerts throughout the year. They both personally sought out my son to thank him for giving up his Friday evening to be part of their farewell evening.

In a few evenings time I will ask my husband to accompany me to the local Church and participate in the midnight service where we will both sing many carols. That's when I will feel the great gift of Christmas; that vibrant sense of community that occurs when strangers gather to celebrate the joy of Christmas.

Yes, Christmas is about family but it is about so much more than family. It's about recognizing that we are part of a much larger family; mankind. There's nothing wrong with exchanging gifts or partaking in delicious food, but the real pleasure comes in understanding and rejoicing in the fact that as members of mankind we care for one another.

May music be a part of your Christmas. May there be peace, love and laughter in your life - to you and all mankind.

My rights to be dominated

There's no doubt that some of us have been slow to recognize and embrace the particular way we want to live. Now that I know what it feels like to live in that way - my version of "that way" - doing without isn't an option. I've actually tried that several times in various ways and it's no good for me. Perhaps I've reached an age where I'm feisty in that way. I can feel the clock ticking and I'm not prepared to waste any more time. I'm not prepared to negotiate or to do without. I'm staking my claim and I'm not giving it up. I'm possessive of my rights to be dominated.

I don't regret, for one single second, bringing up my family in the way that I did. It has nurtured that side of me and if I didn't have that in my life it would be just as sad for me as if my kinky side was not embraced. I always wanted children. I always wanted to be a mother.

That said, I'm ready for time alone, and for time alone with my husband. Once we sorted things out, that I needed his dominance and once he recognized that I wasn't kidding around about that, that it was a non-negotiable in my life, things were sweet this past weekend. Our time together without fear of being heard, seen or interrupted in any way was a lifeline for me and there is no doubt in my mind that we are ready to move on now; ready for our children to be more independent and to do without so much of our presence. To that end, we're teaching them those skills they haven't been enthralled about taking on - ironing a shirt, loading a dishwasher, making a meal.

In fact, we did have oysters. I saw the oysters on Facebook and after our first love-making/beating session I asked if he might like some oysters for dinner, and then some fresh salmon and salad. He came home bearing the goods, we devoured them with relish along with most of a bottle of chardonnay and promptly fell asleep on the couch. Somehow we transferred ourselves to bed and slept the night through blissfully.

I simply can't remember the last time we made love twice in a 24 hour period. (Okay, we did a few weekends ago, but it was ages and ages before that.) It's been one of my big regrets because, for us, sex is sweeter and more intense the second time around. So, it was a blessing when he took control the next morning. I'm amazed at times how he can appear to be able to live without dominating me sexually and then, when he gets around to it, do such a sterling job of it. He is as demanding of me as if I were a relative stranger. I'm as in my zone as if I were with the most stern of dominant men. It's not until he's twisted this and pulled that;  made me come on demand and with huge intensity for a long time; thrown my body around and insist he is serviced in various ways that I eventually beg him for some respite, "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeese, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese, may cindi rest a bit, Owner?"

He loves it. He loves his own arousal. He loves to see me so satiated and relaxed. He adores the smile that comes over my face; a smile that I simply couldn't control if I wanted. Maybe we have to leave the family home to achieve these heady highs - for it to be just 'us'. I remember a time in Tuscany when we traveled to our 'sweet power exchange spot' and it wasn't until we had dinner with some other guests that it became apparent we'd been overheard. I was a little embarrassed but the husband assured us he'd enjoyed every moment of it; it had delighted him that people our age could get it off in quite that way. "Just wow," he exclaimed, clearly envious.

It can be difficult to 'let go' of the mother and father persona around the children. They are not small any more but who wants to hear one's mother groaning and screaming; a strap or cane being wielded against what is so obviously bare skin? Which child wants to even hear a mother's or father's cries of ecstasy and release? Certainly, my children are not interested in over hearing these sorts of activities and they have made that clear. It's confronting for them and for us.

The answer lies, it would seem, in finding more reasons to travel down to the holiday house for a couple of nights. And, the oysters are particularly fresh down there.

Kinkiness is not a choice

I was beside my sister-in-law in her car some years ago when she made the comment that she wished she was 'straight'; that being gay had caused her many problems in her life, but she was who she was. That was all there was to that.

It was a piece of 'evidence' for me that being gay was not a choice because growing up I'd heard the opinion voiced many times over that gay people were often choosing to be gay. My sister-in-law's sexuality was never an issue for me, though it was cause for concern in her own family. I wonder if, subliminally, I related to her sentiments. It was before I had comes to terms with my own sexuality really but I still understood what she was saying.

I sometimes do have the thought that it would be easier to be non-kinky. I had it this morning. I happened to be on Facebook and a friend had posted a photograph of her oysters and champagne happily sitting on a table on the veranda of her holiday home waiting to be devoured. I thought, 'Wouldn't it be easy to be like her. I could get my kicks out of things like that and never have to visit the dark side again. Life would be one long party and I could be frivolous and think everything was "gorgeous"'.

However, that's not me. I didn't choose to be kinky, but I am. My spirit flies free when I am contained, instructed, corrected, spanked and used. When I am not particularly happy the reason is that this didn't happen any time recently. Sure, there are other reasons why I might be out of sorts with my world but so long as I have such experiences, I can cope. Life doesn't get me down for long so long as my submissive nature can soar.

My husband and I went away this weekend on our own and that has been a very rare thing for us, especially this year. It should have been lovely from the outset but the truth is that there were some tense moments. "Oh boy, you really need a fuck!" he said to me yesterday when my responses weren't too flash.

This morning he said, "Let's work in the garden for the first part of the day and if you're a good girl I'll fuck you in the afternoon." "Okay," I replied.

At lunch time it was time and he led me into the bedroom. He caressed me and blindfolded me; put my mouth gag in place. I started to relax. "Feeling better?" he asked. I nodded I did. "Now be a good girl and bend over the pillow for your spanking." Bimbo didn't hesitate.

He was using a paddle and he'd been using it for some time when he said that if I wanted more all I had to do was raise my bottom. No response. If I wanted to do that I could do that any time up until the count of 10. I raised my ass at 5. "Oh, you are hungry today."

More pain. More struggle. Some caressing. He repeated the instruction. Bimbo panted through to the count of 8 and raised her ass again. "Oh, you really are a little pain slut, aren't you?!" he said.

This time he thrashed. Ten hard and fast whacks of the paddle that had me screaming through the gag.

Part of him likes to think he hasn't been subverted; that he does it for me. But, he was aroused by the activity. There is no doubt about it, because after a long lovemaking session he bellowed like a bull and filled me with his semen; something that he hasn't done in a while. It pleased him and relaxed him in full measure.

I am sitting here now on a bruised and mark ass and loving every minute of it. I feel my old self. I feel...happy. Yes, the oysters and the champagne and the freshly mowed, immaculate looking lawn at the oh so perfect holiday house looked inviting, but I wouldn't trade it for satiation of my kink on any day. It's that important to me. 

To Top or to Dominate?

I'm firmly convinced that our behaviors are largely driven by forces outside of our control. Things happen, or don't happen, early in life. Sub-consciously we process these words and events in such a way that we are driven to want certain outcomes.

Sometime later, along comes a girl or a boy, we fall in love, and they become a character in a play that has already been written. Modifications can be made to the script to allow for this extra character, even a main character such as this partner comes to be, but the essence of the script doesn't change. It's written, you see. The main ideas are there and they are the thrust of the play.

Complications ensue when this boy or girl has ideas of his or her own, as they invariably do. This boy or girl is also driven by forces that are ordained according to events that occurred before they met.

Major issues will ensue only if there are serious obstacles put in the path of the other in achieving their prescribed outcomes, that interfere with the integral and motivating ideas of the other character's script for their life. The drama in their lives will be profoundly magnified if one or the other interferes with the overall plan. Regardless of the depth of love felt, previous early experiences demand that they must have their way. Feelings of love often come second to this inner drive almost completely outside of their control.

There is plenty of relationship advice out there based on good research that tells us that it is important to communicate one's needs to the other. But, what if 'the other' doesn't hear, not because you weren't clear but because it interferes with their version of the way the play should unfold? What if the scripts can't be blended or amalgamated satisfactorily? What if key elements of your story must be left out to satisfy the other's version of how it must be?

I've long contemplated the difference of the words 'Top' and 'Dominant'. Whilst there is no dictionary type definition for either word, this early morning I thought of these words as perhaps the best way I could describe the thoughts in my head right now. Here goes.

In every relationship, in some way or in some context, there is one who leads or is stronger than the other. I'm not talking consensual power exchange here specifically. I'm talking life. One person tends to be more capable in/desiring of/inclined to/demanding leadership. Either the other person agrees to this dynamic or else there is some level of negotiation and/or conflict.

Some people have submissive personalities. They are less needing of the driver's seat and either allow, agree to or want the other to be the dominant partner. This doesn't mean that they don't have the same impulses as everybody else; that they are not working towards certain outcomes. It does mean that they are more likely than most to give up on those outcomes or give into the other's drive for certain outcomes. Not without some sadness, they strive to let go of their own ordained outcomes and to see the world through the eyes of the other, the Dominant.

Whilst this is a wild generalization, in my mind at this moment it is the "Dominant" that will allow this and the "Top" that wouldn't hear of it. I say this because the word "Top" implies to me that he/she is working towards achieving the other's prescribed outcomes as much as or even more than his or her own outcomes.

It sometimes seems to me that the dominant (man) is saying to the other, "Come with me. I know the way. Here's what to do. Just follow along after me because I know what's best for you." Whereas the Top is more likely to say, "I'm listening to you carefully. I'm intensely interested in hearing who you really are. I want you to achieve your goals and I'm here to ensure you do reach those goals. It might be pretty tough at times but I have your best interests at heart, sweetheart, so just be a good girl and do as you're told."

I know, in a way, that's not a fair depiction but what I am trying to say is that dominant people often assume far too much. They assume they know it all and that their way is best, but are they really meaning this -  that their script is so ultra important to them that your script has to be shelved?

To this end, equality within the relationship is vital to a power exchange dynamic. We both come to the relationship with scripts that are terribly important to us, for whatever reasons, and it isn't going to be fair for one script to be virtually unchanged whilst the other script has red ink throughout it. Unless a dominant person is generous of spirit with the other's life script, he's not really 'topping' at all but rather demanding that his way is right.

D/s and the silly season

At this time of the year, 'real life' can take precedence over our inner lives. There are lunches and cocktail parties, gatherings with work colleagues, family and friends. Those submissive/serving activities that we do on a regular basis at other times of the year can be given a back seat. For me, this is not a good idea.

As December heats up, figuratively and literally, my restless and busy mind can go into overdrive. This can mean that even when exhausted at the end of a long day, perhaps hosting a dinner or working at the textbook exchange all day, or whatever, that I can't sleep well and that the next day turns into one more long list of things to do. Whilst it is meant to be the joyful season, I can find myself not enjoying all this activity and craving some time to myself, which I sometimes simply can't find.

This situation can spiral out of control for me very quickly for a couple of reasons. If one isn't doing what one has agreed to do, the dynamic can feel as if it is 'broken' in some way. Our minds are trained to think of obedience as right and good and so when one isn't obeying, one feels aberrant and out of control; not a good look.

If one isn't obeying, doing those things that are well proven to yield excellent results, then one can't expect excellent results. The restless mind returns. The sense of being  not contained flourishes. It's harmful behavior, much like it would be to not brush one's teeth daily and proficiently, or to not drink water daily and in the required amounts.

If one doesn't do what is known to work then it's a form of disrespect not only to the Dominant but also to oneself. In the space of 24 hours (24 x 60 minutes) can one be serious that 20 minutes a day cannot be found? It's totally erroneous thinking on my part that I am not worthy of that amount of time to myself. Why would I think such a thing?

So, I think, even though we are very busy - frantic - that our rituals and regimens must stay in place during the holiday season. In fact, more than most other times of the year, it is quite vital that we uphold them.

This leads me to the whole business of saying "sorry" and let's get real. In a long standing relationship where two people care for one another there are going to be slip ups. Why a person 'slips up' can be complicated but chances are quite good that a girl (like me) is looking for a correction; to be reined in; contained. Figuring out who is to "blame" can be a quite fruitless task. It happened. Getting back on track is what matters. Of course, behaviors have consequences and maybe she has to catch up on her tasks, or some other correction. I'd imagine that's all fine, so long as the dynamic is restored.

I can't stress this point enough. A girl who has wandered off the track really needs to simply get back on the track and move forward in the right direction. Veering off into the forest will only make her feel (and be) lost. What possible point is there to worrying about who is to blame? Recognize the importance of the dynamic (that the dominant is in charge and that the submissive does what the dominant says), the importance of adhering to the rules and routines of the dynamic and drive on. "To err is human, to forgive, divine."

So often a lack of success in life boils down to not creating good habits. The D/s dynamic can be an outstanding tool for creating good habits in all avenues of life and for both people. The most important thing, I believe, is the dynamic itself, assuming it's a good and worthy relationship between those people. We didn't set it up this way on a whim. We do it because we want it, because it works better than any other dynamic and because it fulfills us both.

P.S. The photograph is for Siranneal - a touch of inspiration for those chaps who like the visual rather the words.

Obedience as it relates to arousal

Life is stranger than fiction. If I needed to make the connections between the events of the recent past with the events of the weekend I'd be hard pressed to do so. Why was this weekend so vastly different from the period of time before it?

Well, I'd expressed my dissatisfaction, loud and clear. And, not that long after that, he'd express some dissatisfaction of my behavior loud and clear as well. We'd both been given reason to pause and reflect and we'd both done that. Without getting too close and personal what I am saying is that there had been a shift in both of our states of mind as to possible solutions to our personal dilemma.

He took the initiative. Well, we had a chat on the couch first, when he got home from a dinner Thursday night and I kissed him goodnight. He came to bed sometime after I was asleep. He had been watching some World Movie about a woman and two men, was ravenous, and that got the ball rolling.

From there, there were several encounters over the weekend, each one bringing us closer together, each one relaxing me further and further. He wanted service and I was happy to give him the service he required. The details aren't for public consumption but what I will say is that I was aware of how spectacularly easy it was for me to obey every command and to take whatever he chose to give me. Obedience wasn't so much easy really as completely comfortable; compliance felt normal; right; as things should be in my life. I radiated in being obedient. It felt an enormous relief to be tested in these ways.

Later, as we were laying in one another's arms, after one of those 'after sex' naps that take you into a very deep sleep, he said to me, "You must never let another man know of your abilities to comply; what you can take. It would be dangerous. There's nothing you can't do; no place a man can't take you."

I thought about this a while. I was aware of this deep all body and mind erogenous zone for me; this great comfort I took in being nothing more than a fucktoy; this relief at expressing this part of me.

"I don't see how BDSM can happen with someone you don't know well. I can't travel to these places if I don't trust. It takes enormous trust."

"Oh, I think some girls go there, or try to go there, even with men who aren't trustworthy. That's what gets them into trouble."

I'm sure he's right, but I can't imagine it myself. I can't envisage being able to 'let go' with someone you don't love; maybe someone with whom you have developed a deep bond. I'm not entirely sure. I've had so few partners in my life. I know my desire to 'belong' is likely to be an issue in such a scenario. I know myself too well to believe that I can give that much to a man who doesn't think of me as 'his' - all pure speculation anyway.

I've heard of some people who are able to obey - to do things that don't turn them on; day after day. There isn't necessarily arousal in it for them; or at least, certainly not all of the time. Well, there is duty, isn't there? I have to go now and sort out the kitchen and the laundry and I am not getting any arousal out of the thought of doing that. I just know I'll be pleased when it is done and I can move onto something more fun.

Being a man's 'submissive' is like that - we aren't going to like all the things we have to do and we aren't going to be aroused by obeying all the time. Sometimes, we do it because we have to; enough said.

However, I'm the greedy sort. "It isn't always about arousal, bimbo" I'm told, from time to time. The thing is a direct command does arouse me. In the bedroom especially I do what I'm told instantly; I take what I'm given, without a shred of complaint. It is profoundly arousing to me. I give but, oh boy, do I receive!

It's the inability to partake in this 'give and take' that has so ailed me this year. As I said before, something had to give and it delights me to say that he did indeed give, and take.