I have just said goodnight to my teenage son who is struggling with obsessive thoughts related to his perfectionism. He shared with me that twice this weekend his mind had locked in on a single issue related to his study that had him searching for the perfect answer relentlessly whilst precious time to attend to all the other work was lost.
We talked about that; that there is more than one way to solve a problem in most cases; that he doesn't need to feel alone when he could have asked me for help; for a friend for help; anything but sit there and worry. It is harder now because exams are just a few days away and that means the stress in his life is increasing, and the stress makes it all the more likely that he will have an urge to obsess about the fact that something or other is not perfect.
I did my best to to turn the situation into a positive outcome: better that it happened over the weekend and now he can remind himself in the exams NOT to do what he did at home; remind himself that he can move on with the exam. Once his mind is more relaxed having done more of the paper, he might well find that the missing fact that was bothering him just comes to him all on its own.
Finally, I sent him off to sleep with a meditative script that I pretty much have learned by heart now. He was instructed to think about his feet in the bed, his fingers, his head - to notice how they felt; not to judge the thought in any way but simply to notice. I find myself altering the script now and I had him focus more on his breath. I told him to let go; that there was no more worry today; that it was time to go to sleep; to let go and allow his mind to drift.
"Right here, right now, all is well in my world."
I repeated that several times, gave him a hug, rubbed his head, kissed him and repeated the mantra again several times before I left the room.
"Right here, right now, all is well in my world."
With a mind that can focus on worry I know what he is going through and I know too how to encourage him to "let go", in the same way that I encourage you to let go; as I encourage myself here, right now, to "let go".
This is what 'bimbohood' is all about. This is why I do what I do. The search for peace - for my own peace and for the peace of those I care about - is my purpose.
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It is nice to see you searching for peace for yourself and for those you care about. I hope the search continues to be productive.
ReplyDeleteFD
Vesta/cindi
ReplyDeleteMy son suffers from similar obsessive thoughts, often negative. As a young boy he used to worry that someone 'bad' was waiting in his bedroom at night and he set up a night-time routine of checking under the bed, behind the curtain, in the closet etc for the unseen intruder. My wife and I struggled to find ways to reassure him but as a mental health worker she found that it helped to teach him to reason with himself at these times and to ask himself what would actually be likely to happen if his fears were realized. He also learned similar relaxation techniques such as the one you suggested to your son. Both worked wonders and our son is growing up to be a fine young man with a great sense of humor and able to handle life's ups and downs with more aplomb that I could at his age. The thoughts and worries still exist and he dwells on them from time to time, but he has learned ways to talk himself into a safer and calmer place. We also introduced him to Karate, and he finds that concentrating on the repetitive physical activities of learning his Katas really helps in a meditative sense. As a dad, and a Dominant, I often slip into wanting to shoulder his worries for him as I do with my dear wife but I am learning that it is far better to help him find the tools and techniques to deal with his own problems, as you are doing with yours.
You are a wise and wonderful human being. I really hope you will continue blogging here. So many people find your words resonate in their own lives. Thank you for sharing.
FD: Thank you for your kind words.
ReplyDeleterollymo: My sincere gratitude for such a wonderful comment. I am very happy to hear that your son is doing well. Obsessive thoughts can occur at any time in life and it seems that puberty is a very common time for them to get out of control. My son had a major growth spurt and he is at a school with a good number of super high performers (who happen to be his friends) and it suddenly just became out of control: panic attacks in class. The therapy has done a huge amount of good and this is where psychology can work wonders because OCD is something they really grasp. I tried something a bit different last night. I told him what my pilates teacher tells the class: that we are the boss of our bodies. So I told my son that he is the boss of his mind. HE is in control of his anxiety; he can't make the anxiety go away necessarily but he can make the anxiety work for him and not against him. He liked that: that he was the boss and he went off to school happy this morning.
Of course you would understand that I need (and have been shown in therapy) how to talk back to my negative thoughts too and I have a huge appreciation now for the benefits of meditation. Once you get hold of your breathing patterns and can control your anxiety in this way, it's a big thing.
It is interesting to me what you say about your wife and your son and feeling the need to shoulder their worries. It is a perfectly normal response but we both know that you can't supply the fish but rather give people a fishing line with which to catch their own. I have been working on this - trying to be as responsible for myself as I possibly can - and I think there is great value in teaching a person with a submissive personality how to fend for herself; how to keep emotionally whole. The simply truth is that I think we do well with a boss. It is just the way we interpret love somehow and dominance is really a great service to us. So, I try to blend this knowledge together to get the best out of life and the best out of myself.
Your final paragraph meant a great deal to me. Really? I do resonate with people? That is such a lovely thought. The past month or so has been such a rough ride for me but I can feel myself getting my energy back and it is a lovely feeling and I am hoping that the urge to write here remains. I need to connect with cindi over on another blog, a private place right now, but I'll do what I can here too.
Many, many thanks.
Dear Vesta
ReplyDeleteNo thanks are necessary, you earn the plaudits you receive in cyberspace. Here there is no social demand for niceness, so all positive feedback comes from the heart.
Your quest to find the empty-headed calm and beauty that is Bimbo is a fine and noble one and I sincerely admire those who have the courage to let go of their ego entirely and migrate to the state of being an object for their owner's use. I can think of no more wonderful a gift. What makes your transformation all the more stellar is your intelligence, self-awareness and ability to articulate your thought processes throughout. For one who aims to have less between her ears, you clearly exhibit an intelligence that outshines the norm. I hope that doesn't offend :)
rollymo: It IN NO WAY offends me. It is the highest praise. I am basking in it. Let's just hope it doesn't go to my head!! Thank you.
ReplyDeleterollymo: I just looked up your profile and I see you are into knitting and mohair. When I was in Tuscany I visited a goat farm - an extraordinary American woman who combs the hair from the goats with a brush and has them made into exquisite garments. I fell in love with several of the garments but they were out of my price range. Anyways, we came across the most wonderful woman in Castellina in Chianta who made all sorts of things - embroidered sheets and so on. Just as we were leaving with out sheets and tea towels I spotted the most divine white mohair scarf that she had knitted herself. She put it on me and once my husband saw it on me he wanted it as much as I did. So, I now own the most stunning mohair scarf. Had the desire to share that with you as I can see you would understand my thrill.
ReplyDeleteVesta: you're right, I LOVE mohair and can absolutely understand your thrill. I am sure you look adorable wrapped in your soft, fluffy white scarf and that it feels amazing.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure where my love of mohair knitwear came from, but I have been fascinated by it and attracted to it since childhood. I find it incredibly beautiful and quite sexy.
Mohair is such a wonderful material - light, silky, warm, amazingly strong and able to take dye like no other natural fiber. It also has health benefits in the way it wicks moisture away from the skin, and because of this was used for many years in socks for climbers and other adventurers in cold locations. Mohair has waned in popularity in the past 20 years due to industrial knit "mohair" sweaters that have a meager and poor quality mohair content, making them quite uncomfortable against the skin. But pure, good quality mohair is neither itchy nor irritating, and is a pleasure to wear.
I was inspired to learn how to knit when I met a wonderful lady many years ago who shared my passion. She is an expert knitter and we spent happy times together during which she kindly taught me the basics. It's a skill that, once learned, you don't forget (though I get rusty if I don't knit for a few months) and I've found it is an excellent way to relax and unwind. A bit like my son with his Katas, I find that the simple physical activity of working the needles helps clear my head, while at the same time I still feel I am doing something productive. I can definitely recommend it.
Many these days might think knitting is not a very manly pastime, and many subs might think it's not a very Domly image to project :) but if you research history it was a predominantly male pastime until fairly recently. The shift to it being seen as a female pastime came about through the "knit for victory" campaign in the Second World War, when women on the home front were encouraged to knit for their husbands and brothers who were fighting on the front line as a way of making the most of scarce resources. Knitting was marketed to women and that image seems to have stuck. But in recent years an increasing number of men seem to be picking up the needles and I'm happy to be one of them.
I wish you happy times in your soft, mohair scarf as the cooler months are upon us. :)
rollymo: I know what you mean about the difference in mohairs. My daughter took me to Spitalfields Market in London earlier in the year and I fell in love with the bluebell color of a no-button cardigan - the kind you almost wear on your shoulders - but it pills - not at all the real deal (which I knew really due to the price). But the real mohair is absolute decadence.
ReplyDeleteI am in Australia and it was the same here - the push was for the women left behind on the homefront to knit for those at war and it was a very successful campaign. My grandmother was a big knitter and my mother too. They both taught me to knit and my husband still has the woolen jumper (sweater) that I knitted for him when we were 'going out'. Our merino wool is a wonderful fibre, too.
I hope you start a trend that knitting can be sexy and fun for both sexes. I recall it being a very relaxing, almost meditative experience. Gosh, I must take it up again! I do know of one man who knits whenever he sits and watches tv or whatever. He actually sells the garments from his very upmarket store here. I do have one of his vests but I have denied myself the opportunity to enjoy his work lately because I think the temptation would be far too great.
I have to say, the image of a "cave man" (and I'll explore that over at the latest post) and a man who knits - and the way those two images go together - that's just gorgeous.