In the last post I talked about my difficulties with asking or communicating with my husband about what I need and want. I think it is understood that this is a necessary skill and that it makes sense from every one's perspective for a 'bottom' to keep in touch with her 'Top'. There is a responsibility on the part of the 'bottom' to be active and not passive because only then can the 'Top' make the necessary adjustments or alterations to her life.
The fact that submission is a 'negotiation' can be overlooked and I am guilty of overlooking that fact. I think it relates to all the material I have read and all the blogs I have read where things between the Top and the bottom, or the Dominant and the submissive, or the Master and the slave have a certain rigidity to them. Somewhere in all that reading, I can simply forget that in any relationship there is going to be negotiation and why would a power exchange be any different?
In 'power exchange' relationships there is a tendency to want to be pleasing that is more profound than in most other kinds of relationships, I think. This is compounded by the sense that if one is not pleasing and does not push oneself to commit to the wants of the Dominant, there will be a sense of disappointment and failure all round. If one's body belongs to the Dominant, and that thought is often expressed in just that way, does one even have a right to say that one cannot do this or that?
No matter how hard one tries to effect the best outcomes, we are all fallible and there will be conflict. One of my commenters, rollymo, pointed out that he thinks of himself as a "caveman" and my husband does as well. He feels deeply responsible for me, the children and even his extended family and for various reasons, work and solving problems is something that he takes very seriously. On the whole, he and I are 'at one' with how we live. We decided a long time ago that I'd be the one to deal with the domesticity and children whilst he'd be responsible for bringing in the annual income.
In the movie, 'Closer', one of the characters played by Clive Owen, interrogates his partner played by Julia Roberts after she admits she had been making love with an acquaintance played by Jude Law. Julia Roberts' character is upset and guilty and she answers his questions until she becomes exasperated enough to spit out as him, "Why do you want to know?" He answers angrily, "Because I am a cave man."
I never was more attracted to Clive Owen than at that moment, the same man who minutes before had referred to himself as a "Sultan bearing gifts" when he handed his girlfriend a gorgeous pair of shoes he had brought home for her (which turned out to be a gift related to his guilt of having a one night affair himself). Something told me right then that he would stop at nothing to keep his girlfriend. And, so he did. I could sense his sense of ownership of her. I think I understood that character well because my husband has that same sense of 'ownership' about me. It is a good thing but it can lead us into the muddy waters of conflict. This is how it goes:
His worrying mind has him up late working away on matters or planning strategies which means he can gets very little sleep and I can get very little sex or attention. There have been periods of time where this can last weeks and in this case it lasted nearly six weeks. He gets more tired and I get more frustrated and upset. I cease to come to him; either to rescue him or to rescue myself. I escape into a world of my own: often a rather negative or neutral sort of world of 'endurance'. I vow not to complain or show any upset but underneath the surface, it builds. It builds despite all efforts to stop it building and eventually, when I least expect it, I blow. I express my distress.
This inappropriate expression of my distress (which could be just a few quiet words all to the way to an angry venting, or something in between) is not something he responds to well. For one thing, he can't understand why I waited so long to express my distress. He can't see why I don't come and tell him how I am not coping. For another thing, he never accepts this sort of behaviour from me and at first blush what he wants is an apology about my behaviour before he will consent to discuss anything he might have done. This can leave me confused, frustrated and in despair as to how misunderstood I am; how the energy is going into all the wrong places. Later, I can see that I approached it the wrong way but at the time I feel that the issue is about his bruised ego rather than addressing the problem at hand.
It must always be remembered that perfectionists don't like making mistakes and they don't like criticisms of their behaviour. They are inclined to 'shoot the messenger'. I equate it to slaying the person who should even suggest that their behaviour is flawed. Perfectionists can be angry with the person who would do such a thing and one's girl is particularly marked for an Exocet missile because she should know better. It is just not the way she should talk to him, he feels. And in any case, does she not realize that he is a caveman, doing his caveman thing: looking after her!!
I can rationalize all this; write it out coherently. But, I assure you that when I am put upon at such times, I am incredibly, inconsolably upset. I spoke about this response to my psychologist and told her that in my mind I escape; I am there in body but not in spirit. I find anger directed towards me by a person acting as a dominant to be a very scary phenomena.
In my opinion, this earthy, dominant, 'deeply connected to his girl' caveman sort of personality requires a rather resilient and naturally submissive girl. She needs to have some sort of innate sense of what things between them are all about and she needs to be active in her submission: willing to come to him and negotiate and communicate her needs; to maintain the connection; to understand the way his mind works and his motivations and dare I say, obsessive, perfectionist traits.
In my particular situation, there are several reasons for maintaining the mindset of a 'doll'. Without that mindset I struggle a bit as a human being because the doll allows my sexual state to be a part of my day and my every day; she gives me a positive and relaxed state of mind. She makes me glow and she keeps me happy. But more than that, she is the perfect complement to the caveman state of mind. He wants to protect his girl and he expects that she will support him. Anything less than this and he is in turmoil; unable to nurture. The bond between them is temporarily broken and they are both in pain.
When I was introduced to the dolli within me - to cindi - it felt right, right away. Lost in the mindset of cindi, I am blissfully happy. My husband is blissfully happy. We fit together.When cindi is not present in my day and in my life, I struggle to deal with a husband who is a caveman; a perfectionist; a worrier; a perpetual talker; a man who thrives on a deep and sustaining connection with his girl; a naturally dominant man who married, quite purposely I believe, a quiet, gentle, giving, submissive type of girl. When cindi is present, nothing is too much trouble; the sun perpetually shines; the caveman is appropriate and pleasing. cindi understands that it is her role to counterbalance the cave man; to give; to feed; to nurture and listen; to love unselfishly and unconditionally.
cindi does not worry. This is the perfect antidote to a caveman who spends a good deal of his time, day and night, worrying. cindi is always appreciated and welcome by both of us.
The fact that submission is a 'negotiation' can be overlooked and I am guilty of overlooking that fact. I think it relates to all the material I have read and all the blogs I have read where things between the Top and the bottom, or the Dominant and the submissive, or the Master and the slave have a certain rigidity to them. Somewhere in all that reading, I can simply forget that in any relationship there is going to be negotiation and why would a power exchange be any different?
In 'power exchange' relationships there is a tendency to want to be pleasing that is more profound than in most other kinds of relationships, I think. This is compounded by the sense that if one is not pleasing and does not push oneself to commit to the wants of the Dominant, there will be a sense of disappointment and failure all round. If one's body belongs to the Dominant, and that thought is often expressed in just that way, does one even have a right to say that one cannot do this or that?
No matter how hard one tries to effect the best outcomes, we are all fallible and there will be conflict. One of my commenters, rollymo, pointed out that he thinks of himself as a "caveman" and my husband does as well. He feels deeply responsible for me, the children and even his extended family and for various reasons, work and solving problems is something that he takes very seriously. On the whole, he and I are 'at one' with how we live. We decided a long time ago that I'd be the one to deal with the domesticity and children whilst he'd be responsible for bringing in the annual income.
In the movie, 'Closer', one of the characters played by Clive Owen, interrogates his partner played by Julia Roberts after she admits she had been making love with an acquaintance played by Jude Law. Julia Roberts' character is upset and guilty and she answers his questions until she becomes exasperated enough to spit out as him, "Why do you want to know?" He answers angrily, "Because I am a cave man."
I never was more attracted to Clive Owen than at that moment, the same man who minutes before had referred to himself as a "Sultan bearing gifts" when he handed his girlfriend a gorgeous pair of shoes he had brought home for her (which turned out to be a gift related to his guilt of having a one night affair himself). Something told me right then that he would stop at nothing to keep his girlfriend. And, so he did. I could sense his sense of ownership of her. I think I understood that character well because my husband has that same sense of 'ownership' about me. It is a good thing but it can lead us into the muddy waters of conflict. This is how it goes:
His worrying mind has him up late working away on matters or planning strategies which means he can gets very little sleep and I can get very little sex or attention. There have been periods of time where this can last weeks and in this case it lasted nearly six weeks. He gets more tired and I get more frustrated and upset. I cease to come to him; either to rescue him or to rescue myself. I escape into a world of my own: often a rather negative or neutral sort of world of 'endurance'. I vow not to complain or show any upset but underneath the surface, it builds. It builds despite all efforts to stop it building and eventually, when I least expect it, I blow. I express my distress.
This inappropriate expression of my distress (which could be just a few quiet words all to the way to an angry venting, or something in between) is not something he responds to well. For one thing, he can't understand why I waited so long to express my distress. He can't see why I don't come and tell him how I am not coping. For another thing, he never accepts this sort of behaviour from me and at first blush what he wants is an apology about my behaviour before he will consent to discuss anything he might have done. This can leave me confused, frustrated and in despair as to how misunderstood I am; how the energy is going into all the wrong places. Later, I can see that I approached it the wrong way but at the time I feel that the issue is about his bruised ego rather than addressing the problem at hand.
It must always be remembered that perfectionists don't like making mistakes and they don't like criticisms of their behaviour. They are inclined to 'shoot the messenger'. I equate it to slaying the person who should even suggest that their behaviour is flawed. Perfectionists can be angry with the person who would do such a thing and one's girl is particularly marked for an Exocet missile because she should know better. It is just not the way she should talk to him, he feels. And in any case, does she not realize that he is a caveman, doing his caveman thing: looking after her!!
I can rationalize all this; write it out coherently. But, I assure you that when I am put upon at such times, I am incredibly, inconsolably upset. I spoke about this response to my psychologist and told her that in my mind I escape; I am there in body but not in spirit. I find anger directed towards me by a person acting as a dominant to be a very scary phenomena.
In my opinion, this earthy, dominant, 'deeply connected to his girl' caveman sort of personality requires a rather resilient and naturally submissive girl. She needs to have some sort of innate sense of what things between them are all about and she needs to be active in her submission: willing to come to him and negotiate and communicate her needs; to maintain the connection; to understand the way his mind works and his motivations and dare I say, obsessive, perfectionist traits.
In my particular situation, there are several reasons for maintaining the mindset of a 'doll'. Without that mindset I struggle a bit as a human being because the doll allows my sexual state to be a part of my day and my every day; she gives me a positive and relaxed state of mind. She makes me glow and she keeps me happy. But more than that, she is the perfect complement to the caveman state of mind. He wants to protect his girl and he expects that she will support him. Anything less than this and he is in turmoil; unable to nurture. The bond between them is temporarily broken and they are both in pain.
When I was introduced to the dolli within me - to cindi - it felt right, right away. Lost in the mindset of cindi, I am blissfully happy. My husband is blissfully happy. We fit together.When cindi is not present in my day and in my life, I struggle to deal with a husband who is a caveman; a perfectionist; a worrier; a perpetual talker; a man who thrives on a deep and sustaining connection with his girl; a naturally dominant man who married, quite purposely I believe, a quiet, gentle, giving, submissive type of girl. When cindi is present, nothing is too much trouble; the sun perpetually shines; the caveman is appropriate and pleasing. cindi understands that it is her role to counterbalance the cave man; to give; to feed; to nurture and listen; to love unselfishly and unconditionally.
cindi does not worry. This is the perfect antidote to a caveman who spends a good deal of his time, day and night, worrying. cindi is always appreciated and welcome by both of us.
Wow I think this is the first support group I have encountered for Cavemen! :) Hello my name is RollyMo and I am a caveman.
ReplyDeleteI guess, just like all other personal traits, there is a wide spectrum of Caveman behaviour. Yes I love to "bring home the bacon" and look after my wife and children in this regard, it makes me feel valued and important. And I have on occasion been known to be a bit of a perfectionist, but I think if your husband and I were to compare clubs, his would be the larger and heavier ;)
We have divided our roles along traditional lines just as you have and that also applies to work around the house. I do all the heavy lifting, renovations, always drive the car if we are both on a journey together, tend to the upkeep of the garden and clear the snow in the winter. I have control of the finances and manage the payment of all the bills. My dear wife looks after the day to day running of the household, has a budget for buying the groceries and a modest stipend to cover the upkeep of her personal appearance. She must ask me if she needs money for clothes and other incidental items and I very rarely if ever refuse, though I will express my opinion clearly on her choices and she always takes that into account. She gets the children ready for school, ensures their busy schedules are organized and that their homework is done. If my input is needed, it is requested at the appropriate time.
I like to shoulder the worry for my family and the responsibility for our financial security, but I do so gladly and because my wife and I both recognise that, in our case, I handle it far better emotionally and practically than she does. In turn, she has her responsibilities and handles those far better, emotionally and practically, than I could. Our roles fit our natures, and our natures compliment each other. We are, in practical and emotional terms, a Great Team.
However, the lines are constantly shifting as we change and mature in our relationship. My dear wife would never dream of attempting to put up the Christmas lights, for example, but has developed an amazing talent for interior decoration and an expert hand with the paint brush, so while I will handle the major renovations, we consult on colour and she has a hand in doing the work. Similarly, if there are aspects of running the household that she finds she needs my help with she is unafraid to ask and I am often to be seen helping make up a bed, for example.
When we married, my wife omitted the "obey" reference in her vows. She also maintained her maiden name. She would not have identified as being submissive, and I doubt that description was ever applied to her. Outwardly she was a strong, capable, intelligent, independent, rebellious young woman. A punk rocker whose appearance was often shocking and often un-ladylike. I would not have described myself as Dominant, nor did I set out to subdue her. My joy has been to nurture her and protect her, and allow her to find the beautiful, gentle, giving, submissive creature that was hidden inside her. She is complicated and difficult to fathom at times, and I am more so. We recognize ourselves in each other, yet we have found that a power exchange reduces conflict and brings contentment. I am the rock and she the moss... and together we are in harmony.
I love your blog. I'm feeding off it right now, but I hope in time I can give back. Thank you again for sharing.
rollymo: I love that line towards the end: that you have recognized yourselves in each other. I am a BIG fan of 'Nine and a half weeks'. As a young man, Mickey Rourke made me swoon. I still hold my breath when I see pictures of him at that age...Anyways, I was saying...Elizabeth asks him how he knew that she would respond to him in the way that she did and he said, "I saw myself in you".
ReplyDeleteFor me, marrying my husband was a huge leap of faith. I was born and bred in the city and he was born and bred in the country. He came from a sort of 'aristocratic' line. I did not. He wanted to travel to the other side of the world to work. I wasn't so keen. He wanted four children and I wanted two. Lots of issues really. But, I definitely responded to his 'caveman' style personality. He was always putting bounds on my "behaviour" (God, but I hate that word really!)
If I wanted to work, he would support me, but it would have to fit in with the smooth running of the household and there didn't seem a lot of point to making life that complicated...and I wanted to bring up my kids myself. I am *very* connected to all of them; have pretty much gone the extra mile with all of them. But, he has been wonderful about my returning to study, but I don't push it...try to do the work when it doesn't interfere with him.
I think the phrase I want to use here is 'good will'. He works on the basis that I will support him, even when he is being difficult. It is the agreement we have really - that we won't interfere with one another's "complicated" natures and personalities. And, honestly, it is silly to try. He has to do what he has to do. If that means staying awake all night to do it, then he is going to do that. He has a perfectionist's mind and a global way of dealing with issues and it takes a lot of time; a lot of thinking. Things go much better and I am happier within myself when I accept all these fundamental truths about him.
By the way, it is an interesting quirk of his that he rejects any sort of budget. If I bring home a pair of boots and he loves them he focuses on that - sort of paying homage to them really - and he doesn't ask the price. I think he knows that I will say something like "they were originally $650 but they were on sale for $199", because I do so love to find a good deal. Apparently, I am like his mother in many ways and she adored beautiful things, and so he isn't inclined to rein me in there. But, getting a tradesman is another thing! It buys into his perfectionism and he is so often disappointed with the outcome of a job. He'll point to something I simply can't see, noting that it isn't straight or level or whatever. I have little idea what he is on about but agree anyway because it is so darn upsetting to him. So, those 'standards' can stop us from moving on with renovations. There is an infamous example I can give: I told him that my daughter and I were going down to the holiday house a day in advance to paint a bedroom. He offered four reasons why we shouldn't do it, from offering that we should just relax to various technical issues. I could see him sitting there thinking of something else since I was deflecting his concerns. Finally I said, "You don't want me to paint that bedroom, do you? Why?" He answered, "Because you might not do it perfectly." Ah ha!
I guess my thing is that when we can just let go and relax and put all the issues of life aside we can have the most wonderful time together - whether that it is in a cafe down the road or in a bed in Europe somewhere having the best sex imaginable. And, that's not bad after 35 years together. I'm after the good times. Let the good times roll. (and just to reiterate: cindi is a "good time doll"!)
Your husband's attitude to tradesmen and perfection reminds me of a tale my wife told of a visit to Hampton Court Palace that she took as a girl with her father. They entered a room that was noted as one of the earliest examples of patterned wallpaper, and it took him less that five seconds to point out, from the doorway, a spot under a window at the farthest point of the room where the pattern didn't line up correctly. "Whoever the tradesman was, I wouldn't have paid them" he uttered out loud, much to his teenage daughter's embarrassment. But that was the man in a nutshell: forthright, demanding and uncompromising. He was a ruthless and overbearing father who expected the highest standards from his wife and children, more than once beating his son for wearing his hair too long. My wife was the youngest child and the apple of his eye but rebelled against his strict standards. After finishing her A levels she ran away to London and took volunteer work in a psychiatric hospital where, as an 18 year old, she began a career in mental health. Her father's response, when he found her, was to chastise her for her appearance and warn her never to return home with green hair.
ReplyDeleteFor all his faults as a father, he is a charming and loveable man who has mellowed over the years and they now share a close bond. I think, when I asked him for her hand in marriage, he saw someone who would be able to take her in hand and look after her. And although she would not recognise it outwardly until much later, she saw in me someone who was able to love her in the way her father loves her: with an element of control, tutoring and guidance.
She still abhors physical correction so, much as your tales of spanking are wonderfully evocative, we don't go there. Our power exchange is normally achieved via force of reason, with consequences for misbehaviour. It's a bit like parenting, but adult on adult.
Because of this I don't think our sex life will ever be as wild as yours appears to be, nor does she exhibit signs of becoming the dolli that you are fast becoming. But your blog allows readers to understand what it takes to get there, and makes the ideal seem all the more achievable as a result. Go well, cindi. You are a gift to us all.
rollymo: I write in this journal. I get a bee in my bonnet and stop writing. I get the urge again. And, then I get the pleasure of your company and feel very pleased indeed that I took the plunge back into this little world of mine here.
ReplyDeleteYour story fascinates me and I do love your expressions: "the force of reason"; "an element of control, tutoring and guidance". My God, but those sort of words turn me on!
My Dad was easy-peesy; a real softy when it came to me and just a few words of disapproval from him were enough to pull me into line so I had nothing to rebel against really, except that I felt 'different' to the rest of my family. I wanted an education, I lived in my own imagination and I wanted to be a writer but was woefully short on self-esteem in that department.
I think I goad my husband sometimes because he gives me a similar free rein a lot of the time in many ways and then I feel like I need some sort of 'containment'; some sort of tethering and I tend to push against him until he provides it. And,then I just relax.
I am happy. I am not unhappy but when I'm in the headspace of the dolli I'm floating on air. Every little last thing is pure bliss - from putting together a meal to finding enormous satisfaction sexually. Objectification is one of the greatest gifts of my life, akin to some sort of divine awakening and I am always looking for an opportunity to return to that state; my slice of heaven. I was introduced to it by somone absent from my life but sometimes I can still feel him not that far away and it keeps me (relatively)honest.
Thank you for your very kind and supportive words.
Here's a thought - and I throw it out there simply as that - a thought, an idea, a suggestion.
ReplyDeleteYou say you long to be put to bed bound and plugged and (presumably) gagged by your owner. I wonder whether circumstances make it too simple for your dear hubby to overlook this requirement for long periods because you still sleep in the marital bed just as any vanilla couple?
Your bed, being raised up as it is to facilitate your being plundered from behind, surely has sufficient room beneath it for a crate into which you could be inserted at night time? Perhaps something that slides or rolls out, like a large drawer with ventilation at the head (maybe cage bars) and a matress in the bottom, with anchor points for manacles along the sides? If this became your default place of rest when not being used, you would feel like a dolli put back in her toybox, bound and plugged and totally controlled, waiting for her owner to take her out for playtimes, and would be happy even if your owner were too busy to use her?
rollymo: I certainly never thought of that. I have many times wondered how a girl can sleep separate to her man, say on a separate mattress beside the bed or at the foot of the bed and yet...many of my fantasies involve a separate bed...being put away in that separate space for the night and then being used at his convenience, say, the next morning.
ReplyDeleteYes, something could fit under the bed. It's an interesting play idea and I thank you for thinking about it. I'm familiar with the idea of being "put away" for the night and this is an idea that works nicely. So, the dolli prepares for the night in her usual way and the owner comes and puts her away. I think that is the best outcome for me and I shall talk to my husband about it becoming a regular thing.
Thank you again.
Glad you like the idea. It's always challenging to come up with ideas that work in a "family" environment - we never know when the children will wander in. My wife and I had to remind our 8-year-old daughter the other day that our bedroom is off-limits when said daughter leaked the fact that recently she and her friend had ventured in there. Perfectly innocent and no evidence of our play was discovered, but boundaries must be set nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteHowever I think the idea of an enclosed, roll-under toybox big enough to seal you in would hit many of your markers, and allow seclusion from inadvertent gazes because as part of your being put to bed you are locked inside and then rolled back under the bed out of the way. It also give the comfort that your husband/owner, sleeping above, is close by and you are, in some fashion, still sharing the same bed although you are totally objectified by the process. It is lovely to think of this becoming the norm for you and think it would help with your complete dollification.