Sharing

If the reader knew what to look for, it would be easy to detect when I am doing things in my life as instructed and when I am not. When I am doing things as instructed, it is a virtual certainty that my writing speaks of positive things, kinky things and erotic things and life sounds sweet. When I am not doing things as instructed the doubts kick in and the writing has a completely different tone.

If the reader knew to look between the lines what he or she would see is that I am in emotional turmoil and without the ability to express that pain anywhere else, I come to this web journal.

This morning I felt compelled to make a confession to my mentor that I had been neglecting to do regularly what I had agreed to do. It had been haphazard for several days. I recall laying in bed yesterday and really trying to come to terms with what was going on with me that I didn’t do what I knew would bring me comfort. Even to me, it seemed without reason or rhyme, no logic or sense.

He’s very shrewd, my mentor and he lay in wait really; provided space and the right environment and tone for me to make my confession which would surely come eventually – the clues were spread out like seeds. Did I think he was surprised by my confession, he wanted to know? No, I knew he knew.

He said something that really hit home. He said, “These are self-imposed wounds.” I could only agree. It certainly looked like self-harming, even to me. And then he said that it was an attempt to take control. I didn’t see that right away and I responded that another way to look at it was that I felt out of control and was looking for more control over me. That was my best guess.

I’ve done a great deal of research over these past few months in some sort of desperate attempt to understand everything that is going on – with me and in those who have this driving force to experience a power dynamic and so I did what I do best – research. I needed to know about ‘self harm’ and if that applied to me.

It seems that people who self-harm are finding life difficult and see self-harm as a way to cope. Yes, I am finding life difficult right now. One article suggested that people share their thoughts when they feel out of control or when there is temptation to harm. Well, I haven’t felt that I can do that. In fact, I have felt that I have no opportunity whatsoever to do that. So, I read on.

It was interesting to me to read that some people may self-harm and have no awareness of it. I didn’t have awareness of it until this morning. I have been aware that on the very odd occasion I have bitten myself or pulled a handful of hair so hard that it hurt in an effort to deal with conversations with my husband that frustrated me beyond my tether, but I had not connected that not doing the thing that would ease my worries was a form of self-harm at all.

Generally speaking, self-harm is the result of deep emotional pain; severe anxiety, feeling isolated and alone, stressed and angry about issues. I made a note of the following sentences.

“Extreme feelings such as fear, anger, guilt, shame, helplessness, self-hatred, unhappiness, depression or despair can build up over time. When these feelings become unbearable self-hatred can be a way of dealing with them.”

Although it was my choice, my idea and most certainly with consent that I entered a power exchange dynamic, I did so for more reasons that just a personal desire and inner understanding about me. I also requested a power exchange dynamic because it was so evident to me that my husband had already assumed control over my life. He had already taken control and as I saw it, if we had gone that far, it seemed sensible to learn all about power exchanges (I am sure he didn’t know that word existed before I told him) and make it work for both of us.

We did not begin the marriage this way at all. In fact, early in the marriage I suggested we make an investment which turned out to be lucrative and it rather amazed me when he spent a good deal of energy trying to get it off our books. Eventually, I capitulated even though I knew in my bones it was the wrong thing to do. At a certain point in our lives he advised that he was assuming control and he has held onto it firmly ever since. I am, without a shadow of a doubt, a woman with a submissive nature and I put my trust in him, despite having doubts that lingered in every sinew and kept me up at nights worrying what was to become of us. I signed when and where I was told to sign and gave over complete control to him in spite of the fact that our views on matters such as investment were poles apart.

If one takes the very long term view, all will be well but meanwhile these decisions have caused a great deal of pain and angst and continue to do so. The power exchange dynamic itself, and strategies I have employed to distract myself and to come to terms with the situation provide me with contentment and anaesthetize me from the anxiety I would otherwise experience. You see, I have absolutely no control; no say, no voice or vote. I must accept.

Even now, even here I cannot go into specifics because that would be breaking confidences. But, what I can say is that it is impossible for me to share this information with any other person in my life on the ground. Rightly or wrongly, I have felt it imperative to keep my worries to myself. It would upset my mother if I told her. It would spread like wildfire if I told friends. It is embarrassing and in any case, I don’t need pity. I just need to find ways to cope.

It was in an article on self-harm that I could see what was going on:

“When it is too difficult to talk to anyone, it (self-harm) is a form of communication about unhappiness and a way of acknowledging the need for help. Self –harm gives a sense of control that is missing elsewhere in life.”

I could see now, it was a bit like anorexia. Girls with anorexia feel like their lives are out of control and they control the one thing they feel they can – their food consumption. Is that what I was doing? Controlling the one thing I could – whether or not I put that ass plug in or not? And, was this a cry for help; an opportunity to reach out to another living soul and express how I felt by not complying and ultimately being found out?

I can only say that I appreciated his efforts to connect the dots more than I can possibly convey in words here – to break through my shell. With the very rare recent conversation with my husband about all this where I sought comfort ending in his angry words, I had bottled myself up, kept my distance from friends and was feeling more and more isolated until, having had a great run, self-harmed again.

I truly do believe that I am well suited to a power exchange dynamic but I admit I crave a sense of security – to not be subject to wild risk or very long term strategies and to live life in a rather contained sort of way. I have said to my husband countless times that I don’t crave wealth or fame. Rather, I seek only to feel that we are safe and secure and can move on with our lives; not in some holding pattern.

I think he sees my point and aims to pursue that goal now for all of us as best he can. It is so important when one cedes control to a dominant that one can trust him to act in ways that are best for you and whilst my husband’s intentions were good, the road has been extraordinarily rocky and uncomfortable for me for a very long time. Paradoxically, we don't talk about the situation hardly at all, at my request. I thought that by putting my head in the sand and living in my own world I could insulate myself from the pain.

I am appreciative to have realized what is going on with me. I understand now that my non-compliance relates to my urgent need to share my situation and be understood. I feel better already for having expressed myself. The road ahead seems much less daunting as it always does when there is a companion. Not that I need to discuss it at any length at all. Rather, I just need to be understood.

I continue to believe with all my heart that a power exchange is what works best for me so long as I have the opportunity to express myself when the need is overwhelming. I feel today a deep connection with all those souls out there suffering some issue like anorexia or self harm and their desire for some control over at least one aspect of their lives. I encourage you to share your thoughts. It doesn’t look nearly so bad when those thoughts are shared. If there is no-one else, by all means write to me.