Always a fucktoy

Chapter 4 of The Training School leads me to the commencement of the alteration of Lucille. As I tried to write this chapter today, I realized something crucial. Lucille must start her training...her transformation...at the very beginning, in the same way that I once had to start at the beginning.

Today, I had to make a choice. I could try to remember how that felt and how that played out for me. Or, I could stop writing and go back and retrace my steps. I had a feeling that for the writing to be authentic and powerful, to describe the onset of the transformation that is seeded in her mind, I needed to revisit what that was like for me.

I've spent the best part of a gorgeous Spring afternoon at my desk, re-reading notes and thoughts that go back to that time. I was gob smacked! Although I feel that I have come a long way since those first few weeks when I was encouraged to reveal the inner workings of my mind, in fact the feelings that I had from the very outset of being anally trained were very rich, poignant, accurate and reflective of my needs, wants and deeply hidden desires.

This is why I had to stop writing the scene. I had to get back to the girl I was, before cindi was given life. I needed to remind myself of what it is was like to hold myself in check; to not allow my fantasies into the open air; to not acknowledge who (or what) I was and what would make me feel complete.

I needed to get back to a time in my life when what I heard, the possibility of a new way to live, filled me with an extraordinary excitement and rush - that my true self could be unveiled, in all her glory. Suddenly and quite unexpectedly, the door had been opened for the unveiling of the slut I knew myself to be but dared not disclose; the slut who needed more use than any "lady" could ever confess.

It was very early days when this question was asked of me:

"What mind frame does being plugged put you in?

This was my response:

"Contained, highly sexual, deeply feminine, a sexual object, wanting to be used,waiting to be used, desperate really"

Wow! From the very first, I knew all that!

And, the next question was,

"What mind frame are you when not plugged?

Ohhh, so very much less. I knew that back then, too.

"There is no mistaking why you identify so much with being a fucktoy."

Why, I wanted to know.

"Because that is your essence."

When I began to write the scene when Lucille is told about the body modifications and the daily routines she must accept as part of her life, I felt I needed to hold back on her reaction to that. How could she possibly have such a fast response to such a brand new idea?

Re-reading my notes reminded me that it is not only possible but more likely than not. Although it is Nicholas who will transform her, he could only do that if she were already there.

And, quite suddenly, the question I have been asked, and answered, over and over, was completely understood.

"How long has cindi been a fucktoy?"

"Alweyz."