Thursday, October 28, 2010

Openness

If I understand correctly, what I am now being asked to do is to reach out and grab freedom - to let go completely and say whatever is on my mind; to not restrain myself or hold myself back but to simply reveal myself.

I've been around these parts long enough to know that 'openness' is part of the deal. The submissive is meant to open herself to the dominant/top and put herself in his hands. It is the beauty of the dynamic, is it not, that one soul can reveal itself to another, warts and all?

I think my hesitation and even confusion and resistance to the idea right now is that I have felt that I have made progress in my life - with relationships, with self-control, with finding my happiness and peace - by holding myself back. I learned to not refuse ideas just because they were not comfortable at the outset. I learned to accept my husband's will and way by holding myself back. And, I learned to stifle emotional pain by holding myself in check in various ways. If, for example, I was hurt by someone, I learned to find ways to compensate, or understand or even not to allow it to hurt me by hiding the hurt away.

It is fair to say that I have dealt with some of life's more difficult moments by burrowing deep inside of myself and putting on a pretty darn good show that I was perfectly all right and well able to cope.Then, in a moment of great vulnerability (I write this on the one day of the year that is personally difficult for me), I found myself being asked to not hold back any longer.

But, what if I said something that was not at all pleasing? What if I sounded impolite or disrespectful, I wanted to know. Then, in that case I should take my correction and learn from it. Dolls learn from correction, do they not?

Dolls do. But, I have kept a cocoon of safety around myself for so long now, I find myself wondering if I really can sloth it off.

One evening, long ago, I was with my mother alone at her house and it was completely still. The only sound was the fire. My little family was on the other side of the world and my very sick father was fast asleep.

"There's something very wrong, isn't there?" my mother asked me.

I began to shake. My mind tried to sloth off the hard shell of protection yet at the same time held onto it with all its might. And, finally, in a tiny voice that did not belong to me, I told her what I had held onto with a tight grip for several excruciating months. She listened patiently and reminded me that there was nothing she had not heard. The business she ran meant she knew about people and what happens in people's lives all too well. I unburdened myself and in so doing I think I freed myself from torturous pain.

This morning, whilst I did my Pilates class, my emotions were right at the surface and several times, I teared up. I fought with them until it was the relaxation component and my eyes were closed and then I let them fall down the sides of my face until there came a moment when I knew I had to get myself under control. I began to breathe deeply. I began to visualize calm and I listened to the instructor's words.

I was on a mountain top when she said, "Set yourself free". With the glider on my back, I took the lead of faith and soared into the open air, gliding effortlessly. I had set myself free. The tears dried up and I felt only exhilaration.

I didn't stop for coffee but hurried home to write here, only to find a message from my daughter in London - a divine message that any mother in the world would hope for with all her heart. And, now the tears flow again - good tears.

To be loved; to love: it is all I have ever wanted. So, perhaps it is time: time to embrace the openness that a good power exchange relationship demands. The time has come and what a perfect day to choose as the first step in the next chapter of this glorious dynamic they call a power exchange.

10 comments:

  1. vesta,

    Being 'open' is also being vulnerable. It's not easy. But for the most part well worth it.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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  2. Dear Vesta,

    it is always on days like this one that we tend to make an evaluation of our life so far. It just happens. We look back and see a thousand things gone wrong, things we would like to have done differently, things we would like to change, matters we feel we owe it to ourselves to resolve once and for all.

    Openess, appreciation, anticipation, (emotional) nakedness. An exquisite butterfly, exposed to the elements of life. Fly my friend! Even if the evaluation never comes, you will have done your best. And that is what matters.

    love, cassie

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  4. Lovely post

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  5. This is a beautiful honest post. I'm not going to give advice, but for me openness with someone is a true goal that means I don't have to pretend - wonderful!

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  6. Vesta,

    Openness is one of the most important things to embrace in a power exchange. I feel ready to open myself a bit more just from reading your post, as I know I've been closed off lately.

    Hope everything was okay on your "difficult day."

    Hugs!
    Serenity

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  7. These are two ideas i hadn't thought a lot about - or actually, the competition between the two ideas i hadn't thought about. I am of course learning to hush myself in a lot of situatons - to modulate my responses, to hold my tongue to be respectful. And of course i am encouraged to open up and reveal myself, not hide things. I had never seen the obvious contradiction. How interesting. It sounds as if you are ready to embody this contradiction.

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  8. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience. It's so helpful for me to hear you voice the kinds of things I struggle with too.

    aisha

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  9. There's a nice relevant quotation in a comment on Finding Sara:

    “Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.”

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  10. mouse: In my mind it is the ultimate experience and one I aim for.

    cassie: To be perfectly honest, on that particular day, I really just seek love and affection. That's it. The whole story.I know what it is like to "fly high" (as Dumbo would say) and I'm always trying to get back to that wondrous place. Thank you for the lovely thoughts.

    Serenity: The kind of openness to which I think you refer here is something I call "softening".

    GG: In my mentoring, I'm meant to be able to say anything so long as I say it "politely". I think there is more to it myself and the submissive needs to use a good deal of tact and even then, be ready to be rebuffed. It is a highly vulnerable place to be.

    slowsong: Good word that: pretending. We all hate that in life we have to pretend to be one thing and not the other, so when we are with our dominant it seems an awful shame to be pretending there as well. That is why this concept of openness is so important and why both dom and sub need to strive so hard to attain it. Welcome to the journal, by the way.

    aisha: You are most welcome. Hey, if I struggle with openness issues I just bet others do too and I am pleased you got something out of it.

    PL: The comment is divine and thank you for sharing it. Yes, it is a special kind of heaven when that is in a life.

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