Persistence

 I spent plenty of time while my husband was alive trying to make sense of certain behaviours in an effort to understand him and to try to improve our relationship, and the relationships he shared with other people. At times, ADHD explained so much, but other times I did wonder if it was OCPD. Various articles strongly pointed towards that personality trait as the explanation for certain rigidities. 

Maybe he fitted fairly snuggly into both categories. We will never know since he never underwent any sort of assessment at all other than visiting my doctor at my request who told him at that initial appointment that he likely had ADHD.

Since our first grandson is now officially diagnosed with AuDHD it opened the door to question if that is actually what was going on. It makes me sad that I didn't know this then and maybe could have offered more support than I did to him.

I was with my daughter and her children yesterday and we both expressed our sorrow that my husband won't be here to support T. because they would have had a wonderful relationship together and they would have understood one another.

My husband, when we lived in the US, had a very dynamic job in a very loud and fast-moving environment. I often wondered how he could stand it, but I think it offered him the stimulus he wanted for his brain and his ability to hyperfocus meant that the loud environment wasn't a concern. 

Socially, it was probably a lot of pressure, since he wasn't able to read the room, didn't realize when he had taken up all the space, and maybe he bombarded them with his opinions. I think that he had some allies in the company and his decision to move to another company where there were no true allies created the disaster than befell him. I think you have to appreciate what his brain had to offer at the same time as recognizing that his personality had rigidities that he couldn't actually help.

When we returned to Australia, he made some efforts to look for a job, but his inclination was to work for himself, and he did that for the rest of his life. I was fundamentally placid and accepting of his choices and that's very much the way he wanted me. We jogged along in this way until some of his choices were financially catastrophic and that's when I started to suggest that we couldn't just go on in the same way.

I didn't actually realize that change or transition was going to be as difficult as it proved to be, and I certainly didn't understand how the same mistake could be made repeatedly. There was something going on in his mind that I couldn't convince him to see was not serving him. I think the need for risk, for stimulation, was the ADHD and the inability to change his thinking was the Autism.

The main reason why I think people should be assessed is that they can come to understand why they do what they do. Shame stops people from getting answers, but we are doing much better at this as a society and it's really vital that loved ones come to understand what is going on. 

Imagine if I knew decades ago what compelled him to do things. I would have denied him access to my investments for example, in a subtle way. I would have suggested that the ADHD was compelling him to take chances that were too risky, and whilst I would not have stopped him from his choices, I would not have allowed him to bet the bank on them.

I would have appreciated this brain type wanted a lot of things to be the same and that his need for a day to look the same was comforting to him. I would have put no pressure on him to think outside the square but if we both knew why he wanted sameness, we could have been kinder to one another around wanting different things and accommodating each other.

I actually did accommodate him - there was no other way - but I could have done so without resentment if I had understood that change was impossible.

I do actually feel softer towards the guy I dated several months ago now, pretty sure now that he was autistic also, but I still continue to feel that I deserve one shot at a relationship with a man who has a similar brain to me and where we can accommodate each other's needs without a lot of work. The research does indicate that it is best usually to stay within one's neurotype in romantic relationships at the same time as accommodations can be made to have a successful relationship with mixed neurotypes.

For us, the love was there in spades. It kept us together for decades and decades. I recently found in a notebook he kept, a letter to all of us written before his cancer diagnosis. He was awaiting a routine colonoscopy and decided to pen a letter to us in case he didn't make it. It expressed his deep heartfelt love for all of us, and he gave us advice - fundamentally to always persist in doing what was right and meaningful.

It was on the day I turned seventy when I found the letter and I sent a copy immediately to all the children. My eldest son who has struggled in his marriage told me later that day as we sat on a city veranda that several couples he knew with very young children were getting divorced and it was this message of persisting through struggle that had carried him through the dark days. Hours later we got word that his offer on a house in Sydney had been accepted and we both knew that it was the persistence over the past year or so, the determination to stick together through the roughest of patches, that meant we had found a way through to the future.

This is what I mean. It's not one thing or another but this joining of various traits that kept us loving my dear husband no matter what he did. He made some doozy of decisions, but he never stopped trying to do better in his own way and he never stopped loving us to the ends of his days. It has kept us whole and it has kept us together, utterly together forever.

From a distance

I happened to catch a bit of Betty Midler's goodbye performance in Las Vegas. Apparently, she'd been doing a show there for three years. I enjoy several of the songs she has been singing over the past few years and none more so than  'From a Distance'. You can hear her singing this song here if you wish.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXOgn8-aEaA

"God is watching us from a distance."

I have recently finished a memoir and must return it in a few days to a dear woman who loaned it to me. The book is titled 'The Rugmaker of Mazar-E- Sharif' by Najaf Mazari & Robert Hillman.

It is the story of an Afghan man who leaves Afghanistan in fear of his life. He has already been taken by the Taliban, beaten regularly until his declaration of ignorance in spite of the regular beatings lead the Taliban to believe that he is telling the truth and they let him go. Knowing that it is not the end of the matter, his friends and family gather together the money needed to get him over the border to Pakistan and onto a leaky, unseaworthy boat that is bound for Australia.

Of course, the boat doesn't make it all the way but they are rescued by Australian authorities and he is put into detention until it can be determined if his case is genuine and if he should be allowed to remain in Australia. I promise you that if you read the book you will never think about illegal aliens in the same way again.

Alas, I can't find the quote I wanted to share about Nareef and his relationship with God. However, at one point he thinks about his life and what he has managed to achieve - that he has worked hard to learn the art of carpet weaving and he thinks to himself that if God should look down on his people and he was scanning his eye and saw Nareef working hard he would something like, "Ah, there is Nareef. He has been a good man. He is working hard. I am pleased with the way he has turned out."

And, this pleases Nareef greatly that God should be pleased with him; that he has always done the right and honorable thing.

Nareef writes, "...all that God asks of us is persistence." and later,

"We can never be sure when God is listening. Sometimes we shout at the top of our voices, and He makes no reply at all. But a whisper? Sometimes a whisper works better than shouting."

I was moved countless times whilst reading this story but tears only rolled down my cheeks once. Perhaps the tears were from sheer relief. Finally, his ordeal was over and his life was complete.

By now, Nareef has been in Australia for some time and his joyous, sunny disposition, commitment and work ethic has attracted the assistance of several Australians who go well and truly out of their way to help him.

Here he is, finally, at Tullamarine Airport one early morning awaiting the arrival of his wife and daughter, getting more and more disturbed and worried as more and more people come out of the International gates and he still cannot see them. Maybe something has gone wrong, he worries. He has had enough setbacks in his life for this to be a genuine concern in his mind.

"Easy, mate, easy," his friend says to him.

And suddenly, there they are. He sees them.

"Blessings, blessings," he says as he rushes towards them.

And, that's when I began to cry. Who of us could not be moved by this?

But, it is not enough for Nazar to be grateful for his new life in Australia (and he has made a very good life here). He has set up a fund with friends to build schools and buy ambulances for the people of Mazar-e-Sharif so that they can share in  his good future.

From a distance, I think God is very proud indeed.