When people are emotionally fraught, not themselves, they can say things they don't mean at all. They can behave in a way that doesn't become them. Some people do this but unfortunately don't reach a point where they recognize the behaviour as unacceptable. They don't apologize, ever. They are not sorry today, tomorrow, or next year for what they said or did; for the damage or hurt they may have caused a relationship.
There is a distant member of the family in this category and we like to say that she has 'siege' mentality. She's got it in her head that people are trying to hurt her cause when they are actually trying to aid her. It should be dealt with in concert with a psychologist/psychiatrist, but it will not be dealt with because she doesn't see that there is a problem.
There are times when I have been emotionally fraught (duh!) but the difference is that within 24 hours (at the outside) I experience an extraordinary welling of guilt. I can't wait to apologize. I can't wait to clear the air, to humble myself and to offer my deepest apologies. I know I was in the wrong. I am happy to say so, because to cause distress is an awful situation for me to be in. It is out of character and must be addressed.
Behaving badly doesn't just 'crop up' for me out of the blue. Rather, a difficult situation that goes on for some time leaves me feeling frustrated and helpless; sad. Being sad, or mad, and not knowing what to do about it leads me at times, eventually, to say things that are regrettable.
When we did talk, I think 24 hours later, I offered my apologies, but he said that apologizing didn't sweep away the things I said. I had to agree. Apologies are better than nothing, but words hang in the air causing distress. We really do have to watch our words.
My 'teacher' in any guise, he told me that instead of baiting him I could have said something along the lines, "Joe, I am upset with you." and he could have then said something like, "Is that right, cindi? Please do tell me what is upsetting you."
Well, what do you say to that? Of course, he was completely in the right.
The words tumbled out, my distress at being such a bitch, my understanding that I had said "shitty" things; my recognition that I intended, in the moment, to wound, (because I felt wounded).
But the point I want to make is how impressive I found him to be. He was my equal in the conversation and yet he demanded my respect very soon after the conversation began.
"If there is much more of this I'll not be motivated to continue chatting with you..."
Not only had he demanded my respect but he'd made his case loud and clear. He wasn't intending to put up with bad behaviour on my part, with bombs thrown at his door. Instantaneously, I did have the greatest respect for him, because as submissive as I can be, I can forget my place too. His words pulled me up with a round turn; reinforced the fact that there is a way to converse and a way that is not acceptable to a dominant man.
Significantly, although there were tears on my part, for I was deeply upset, his putting me in my place made me feel contained and controlled immediately; better; safer; calmer. It enabled me to bare my soul and to express myself; what I was feeling; what I had held back.
I've met so few men like this; with the confidence to be this consistent; this in control of themselves and the other; this enabling. I can only wonder why.
There is a distant member of the family in this category and we like to say that she has 'siege' mentality. She's got it in her head that people are trying to hurt her cause when they are actually trying to aid her. It should be dealt with in concert with a psychologist/psychiatrist, but it will not be dealt with because she doesn't see that there is a problem.
There are times when I have been emotionally fraught (duh!) but the difference is that within 24 hours (at the outside) I experience an extraordinary welling of guilt. I can't wait to apologize. I can't wait to clear the air, to humble myself and to offer my deepest apologies. I know I was in the wrong. I am happy to say so, because to cause distress is an awful situation for me to be in. It is out of character and must be addressed.
Behaving badly doesn't just 'crop up' for me out of the blue. Rather, a difficult situation that goes on for some time leaves me feeling frustrated and helpless; sad. Being sad, or mad, and not knowing what to do about it leads me at times, eventually, to say things that are regrettable.
When we did talk, I think 24 hours later, I offered my apologies, but he said that apologizing didn't sweep away the things I said. I had to agree. Apologies are better than nothing, but words hang in the air causing distress. We really do have to watch our words.
My 'teacher' in any guise, he told me that instead of baiting him I could have said something along the lines, "Joe, I am upset with you." and he could have then said something like, "Is that right, cindi? Please do tell me what is upsetting you."
Well, what do you say to that? Of course, he was completely in the right.
The words tumbled out, my distress at being such a bitch, my understanding that I had said "shitty" things; my recognition that I intended, in the moment, to wound, (because I felt wounded).
But the point I want to make is how impressive I found him to be. He was my equal in the conversation and yet he demanded my respect very soon after the conversation began.
"If there is much more of this I'll not be motivated to continue chatting with you..."
Not only had he demanded my respect but he'd made his case loud and clear. He wasn't intending to put up with bad behaviour on my part, with bombs thrown at his door. Instantaneously, I did have the greatest respect for him, because as submissive as I can be, I can forget my place too. His words pulled me up with a round turn; reinforced the fact that there is a way to converse and a way that is not acceptable to a dominant man.
Significantly, although there were tears on my part, for I was deeply upset, his putting me in my place made me feel contained and controlled immediately; better; safer; calmer. It enabled me to bare my soul and to express myself; what I was feeling; what I had held back.
I've met so few men like this; with the confidence to be this consistent; this in control of themselves and the other; this enabling. I can only wonder why.
so glad to see you grounded and contained again; safe.
ReplyDeleterollymo: Thank you, and for your friendship.
ReplyDelete