Identity

I was listening to some African-Australian people talking last night about their identity. One young woman made the comment, "You try to fit into a box or you're left out of the box." That's interesting. I wrote it down immediately.

Later in the conversation one person suggested that a person ask, "What is most important to you  in the construction of your identity?" In other words, other people may construct your identity for you based on where you came from, the colour of your skin, whether your hair is curly or "relaxed", but how do you, the individual, assess it?

The gentleman on the panel suggested that once people travel abroad there is the opportunity to become citizens of the world. A young woman from the UK recently arrived in Australia provided a reality check when she said that she couldn't find the supplies she needed, like hair, so readily available in London. Happily, other Nigerians in the audience suggested she come and speak with them as to where she needed to go.

After the session my son and I explored the topic in a Malaysian restaurant nearby. That feeling of being different is felt as soon as you start living somewhere other than your home. It wasn't always fun to be an Australian living in the United States. Where do you go for your Vegemite, for Tim Tams, for good lamb? Prior to the Internet how on earth did one get news from home? What did the locals mean that they didn't know (or care) about the Australian Football League and, no, we weren't Austrian but Australian. Nope, no kangaroos running down main streets, either. Sigh

It has to be said that as Australians we know next to nothing about Africa either. That we say Africa, rather than  Nigeria or Ethiopia doesn't help. I offered to my son that he knew more than most since he'd travel for work there several times. "Nah, not really."  A fellow student living in South Sudan noted one day that the history of South Sudan will never be written since no tribal group could ever agree with the other as to the events. The more one starts talking about identity the more complicated it gets.

If I look at my own sense of identity I know that growing up in a hotel had a profound effect on me. I didn't have a house that was a home, and I didn't have much 'family time'. My own home has been very important to me, especially so since I am a natural introvert and ponderer. Wherever I have lived I have looked to create a comfortable, nurturing home; an oasis in whatever landscape.

Having a husband, being a wife, and then a mother, that was always going to be vital to me; a sense of belonging. I feel a sense of relief when I am not putting myself first. I might be pondering my own little worry when a child presents a problem and I put my whole focus on that. It's a really uncomfortable sensation to feel that I've been selfish or even self-interested. I think I may see the introversion as a huge deficit, in fact; always trying to quell and master what remains a constant, like an African girl feeling that she must 'relax' her hair.

I'm kinky, for sure, though I don't fit into any box, at least no box that I have identified. Perhaps that leaves me with no box. Am I concerned about that? Not especially concerned. It would be lovely to have people to speak with just like me, but if it is not possible, then it is not possible. Life goes on.

I'm different to the norm. This thought didn't just come upon me. One lives with that, grows up with that feeling. Perhaps it is that sense of wanting to fit into a box, to achieve a sense of identity and belonging, that leads people to chat forums like FetLife and others. Feeling different isn't comfortable, even for me. We all want to fit in somewhere.

Yet, that introversion has a very strong hold on my sensibilities. On most days, I wear my difference not with a crown of thorns but in a state of grace. The kinkiness, which I hold close to my heart, is an ever present companion. When I am closest to that truth, that my kink is all pervasive, deeply embedded, I feel most at peace.  It remains also true however that my true and complete identity will be shown to only the chosen few. This was written in the stars long ago and is an assailable truth.