Kinky sex

I've been feeling different lately, as if there is change afoot that I don't have any control over; movements in my psyche that are so subtle that I can't quite 'catch' them. It could be related to the fact that I have some seasonal hayfever and thus feel a bit 'out of it'. It could be that my days have been a bit different lately in that I have had an opportunity to catch up with life in the past week or two and so have had more time to 'think'. Or, it could be that I really am changing.

Not everything has altered. I still have all the same sorts of fantasies and daydreams as usual. I'm still remarkably helpless in them; subject to the whims of authority figures, and those people aren't getting any more leniant. Yesterday, to make sure that I understood that there was nowhere to run to, the Master in charge of the 'bimbo school' suggested to my father that he whip me soundly before my father left me there, so that I understood that what happened at that institution was at his behest. There was nobody who didn't want me well trained, and strictly disciplined. There was certainly no place to turn for some leniency.

My practices haven't altered either. In fact, they are more 'set in stone' than ever. I don't do what I do at anybody's behest. I just happen to sleep better, for one thing, with an anal plug in place. I feel more 'grounded' that way. All those sorts of practices are so ingrained that I simply handle those things myself with barely a 'dominant' word spoken at all. It's akin, I suppose, to a dominant wanting a girl to wear a corset, or to run daily. It's something that I do now without thinking about it or needing to be instructed.

Well, then, I can hear your mind asking, what has changed? Well, it is not just one thing. It didn't happen on Friday night with a bang, without some prior thought on the matter, but on Friday night I bought tickets for us to see John Turturro's Fading Gigolo and I absolutely loved it. I adored the music, a big part of the feel of the film. There was no power exchange involved. There certainly was no spanking or overt (rough) control, though there was a little kink. Sharon Stone and Sofia Vergara wanted a three-some with Fioravante, as you do.

The really sexy thing about the film is that Fioravante is such a caring, sensitive, non judgmental dude. He knows what a woman wants. He can sense it and he goes about giving it to her, whether it is wild, orgasmic sex or simply soft caresses. He's got that special antenna for a woman's needs and he knows how to make a woman feel beautiful. He provides the safety to allow her to release her fears and unleash her vulnerability. He allows her to be fully present with him, to release inhibitions and to trust him. He's quiet; contained; a little mysterious. He's just right, and I almost went to see it again alone today. He's that special.

I've been known for enjoying degradation and my demise. The fantasies tell me that nothing has changed here. I still do get great joy, pleasure and release from such situations. However, I think there is a proviso on that. Just because I love that and crave that doesn't mean that I don't want to feel beautiful, don't want to be told that I am beautiful and don't want to feel that I am cared for. Call it 'after care', perhaps. Or, consider the fact that before I can "unleash the vulnerability" I need to know that all is well in the relationship. I need to feel that special something that enables a woman to feel safe. If that's missing, so is the desire really; the desire to get lost in that space.

For a while there, I felt that I needed to be a sort of 'pin up' type of woman. I didn't always feel myself. I struggled a bit with my own look and the sort of clothing that suited my life. On one level it felt great to have something of a dress code, but more and more I've felt the desire to return to a look that is simply my own. The good part is that all those items in my wardrobe that didn't make me feel good have gone. There's nothing left that is too conservative or, on the flip side, too young for me. What's left is clothing that works for me, on any given day and for any particular event. This includes some pants.Yes, it is just a few pairs of pants that hang in my wardrobe, but they make an appearance on a winter Saturday morning when I'm on the way to watch a soccer game or to have some breakfast with family. I'm no longer trying to fit into some male image of what a woman with a healthy libido looks like. I'm just operating from my own sense of myself and what works for me in my life.

In their heart of hearts, no matter the denial that may paper over such thoughts, every woman wants to feel beautiful. Every woman wants a man to tell her she looks beautiful. It's not so much what she wears, or the number of kilos or pounds that she carries, but the love she feels in her heart; that inner glow that comes when a woman feels wonderfully engaged with a man (or a woman); when he fulfils her and adores her and wants her. Erotic experiences do this for a woman. It's deeply and profoundly sustaining to be shaken to one's core; to be reduced to a wild female beast of a woman; to be fucked. A woman simply can't wipe the smile off her face when that happens. I know when I am most happy. I am most happy when this happens. I feel most at one when this happens. The only question on my mind is, 'when can it happen again?' 'When I do get to feel this alive again?'

So...maybe it's not kink that I so very much want to be a part of. Maybe, I don't so much need to be controlled. Maybe, I just want to feel my sexiest best. Maybe, I just want to be truly fucked. Or, maybe that's too simplistic an answer for a woman as "complicated" as me. As I said, it is just a thought; not at all sure if it a passing one or if something is more permanently afoot. Time will tell.