Back in the day when I had a little CBT therapy it related to my central 'problem' that the psychologist identified as my being too empathic. I'll give an example. She asked me to tell her of a time that morning when I had been ruminating about someone close; worrying about them. So, I told her that I'd been short tempered with a son about the fact that I couldn't necessarily always take him where he needed to go without disrupting my day. He said he'd take public transport instead and then I felt out of sorts that morning feeling that I may have upset his day.
"But, you wouldn't have upset his day at all," she responded. He probably put his headphones in and was blithely listening to music the moment he left the house, and didn't give the conversation another thought."
That's mostly true. And, totally true that she would have thought that, too.
So, here I am, a self-confessed and diagnosed 'empathically loaded person'. I'm not just thinking about what I think. I'm constantly getting into the heads of other people.
It's a bit shocking to me to realize, via some conversations with other people who reveal their state of mind at times, to realize that not all people concern themselves with how the other is interpreting events, words or conversations. That two-step that I do every few seconds in a conversation, wondering what the other person is thinking in their own skin - some people don't do that.
For example, if they didn't mean to upset the other, to suddenly disappear in the midst of an important conversation and actually had Internet connection difficulties, it doesn't occur to them to put themselves in the other person's body and wonder, "Gosh, I hope she didn't think that I intentionally disappeared at that crucial moment of the conversation. I'll just send a quick note so that she doesn't worry." They didn't intend upset and so, the logic seems to go, no upset occurred.
But, it did happen. Upset did occur.
And, then I could see his point of view. Based on his usual modus operandi, this was to be seen as an anomaly of his usual behavior and thus not to be judged as something sinister. In fact, the fault could be interpreted as mine, since this being unusual behavior for him, perhaps it is I who erred by not thinking about the Internet disruption!
Well, I did! I did think about the Internet as being a possibility for the sudden departure. However, since I would have followed up on what seemed rude behavior, I assumed that if that were the case, he would too. Nope, it wasn't seen that way.
We've been friends for years, but there are gaps in the communication due to this very different way of looking out onto the world. I am, perhaps, too concerned with how others are impacted by me and he is, perhaps, not concerned enough with how others are impacted by him.
I've experienced a similar, but not identical mismatch in my marriage. When my husband has made a decision that has had a negative impact on me he has wanted me to take into account the fact that he never intended me harm. I can trust in that: that he never wanted to intend me harm. That's what my friend seemed to be saying as well - that, however behavior might be interpreted, the good will was there.
Sometimes, his comnments come across as blunt, even rude, but honesty must prevail, he says.That said, I do skirt around honesty with him because he's sensitive to honesty. My husband is sensitive to honesty too. There a rule for the goose and a rule for the gander in regards to honesty. On my good days I can smile about that and on my bad days I wish that feminism went further, faster.
So, isn't it the case that these men who may not have an abundance of the empathy gene such that they can appreciate what effect their words and behavior might have on others, require the services of a woman who has an abundance of empathy? Who else could possibly understand them? Appreciate them?
When my husband was young , in his early teens, and living in a boarding school far from home, he wrote letters home to his parents. He wasn't a big time writer at that stage of his life and being homesick he asked a lot of questions, forgetting to give them much information about life at school. A comment was made about this. It is impossible to know how the comment was made but he was very upset about it. It closed his writing efforts down for a very long time. He's very disinclined to put his emotions down on paper and he has made reference to this criticism of his letter writing many times to explain this inhibition.
Generally speaking, I find that with men it pays not to criticize them, no matter how delicately one phrases the comment. I don't know why this should be so but it is a very tricky thing to offer them feedback, unless it is positive. This must make for some incredibly unhappy relationships at work where a female boss must make reference to a piece of work not well done, or a female professor must tell a male student that he isn't expressing himself eloquently. Or, maybe, I've just been incredibly attracted to men with a flash of arrogance and narcissism, or maybe just very sensitive men who don't see my role as one of giving them feedback. Let the world do that job, they may be thinking, because your job is to raise me up!
I harken back to this sentiment of improvement and progress that I have raised before. The dynamic I share with some male friends/husband is okay, but it could be so much better. When two people know one another so intimately, know the essence of each other, surely that sort of dynamic lends itself to honesty in a more profound way. If I'm willing to hear the criticisms, then why not the other?
In some ways, the role or title of 'dominant' and 'submissive' is a misnomer and doesn't serve us well in the long term. The energy that I seek, 'the gain', comes not from rigidly played out roles but a give and take that only remains in great shape when it is possible to discuss feelings and concerns in an intimate way. 'The gain' is not always available. It comes and goes and the best policy is to understand this; that we ebb and flow. The dominance and the surrender is dependent on energy from both people. It can, in fact, thrive on artificiality, but not in the long term. Love doesn't really understand the concept of power.
Unconditional love is a wondrous thing but to grow we must all surrender to the fact that we are all flawed - both the dominant and the submissive. Acknowledging that takes us farther, lifts us higher.
"But, you wouldn't have upset his day at all," she responded. He probably put his headphones in and was blithely listening to music the moment he left the house, and didn't give the conversation another thought."
That's mostly true. And, totally true that she would have thought that, too.
So, here I am, a self-confessed and diagnosed 'empathically loaded person'. I'm not just thinking about what I think. I'm constantly getting into the heads of other people.
It's a bit shocking to me to realize, via some conversations with other people who reveal their state of mind at times, to realize that not all people concern themselves with how the other is interpreting events, words or conversations. That two-step that I do every few seconds in a conversation, wondering what the other person is thinking in their own skin - some people don't do that.
For example, if they didn't mean to upset the other, to suddenly disappear in the midst of an important conversation and actually had Internet connection difficulties, it doesn't occur to them to put themselves in the other person's body and wonder, "Gosh, I hope she didn't think that I intentionally disappeared at that crucial moment of the conversation. I'll just send a quick note so that she doesn't worry." They didn't intend upset and so, the logic seems to go, no upset occurred.
But, it did happen. Upset did occur.
And, then I could see his point of view. Based on his usual modus operandi, this was to be seen as an anomaly of his usual behavior and thus not to be judged as something sinister. In fact, the fault could be interpreted as mine, since this being unusual behavior for him, perhaps it is I who erred by not thinking about the Internet disruption!
Well, I did! I did think about the Internet as being a possibility for the sudden departure. However, since I would have followed up on what seemed rude behavior, I assumed that if that were the case, he would too. Nope, it wasn't seen that way.
We've been friends for years, but there are gaps in the communication due to this very different way of looking out onto the world. I am, perhaps, too concerned with how others are impacted by me and he is, perhaps, not concerned enough with how others are impacted by him.
I've experienced a similar, but not identical mismatch in my marriage. When my husband has made a decision that has had a negative impact on me he has wanted me to take into account the fact that he never intended me harm. I can trust in that: that he never wanted to intend me harm. That's what my friend seemed to be saying as well - that, however behavior might be interpreted, the good will was there.
Sometimes, his comnments come across as blunt, even rude, but honesty must prevail, he says.That said, I do skirt around honesty with him because he's sensitive to honesty. My husband is sensitive to honesty too. There a rule for the goose and a rule for the gander in regards to honesty. On my good days I can smile about that and on my bad days I wish that feminism went further, faster.
So, isn't it the case that these men who may not have an abundance of the empathy gene such that they can appreciate what effect their words and behavior might have on others, require the services of a woman who has an abundance of empathy? Who else could possibly understand them? Appreciate them?
When my husband was young , in his early teens, and living in a boarding school far from home, he wrote letters home to his parents. He wasn't a big time writer at that stage of his life and being homesick he asked a lot of questions, forgetting to give them much information about life at school. A comment was made about this. It is impossible to know how the comment was made but he was very upset about it. It closed his writing efforts down for a very long time. He's very disinclined to put his emotions down on paper and he has made reference to this criticism of his letter writing many times to explain this inhibition.
Generally speaking, I find that with men it pays not to criticize them, no matter how delicately one phrases the comment. I don't know why this should be so but it is a very tricky thing to offer them feedback, unless it is positive. This must make for some incredibly unhappy relationships at work where a female boss must make reference to a piece of work not well done, or a female professor must tell a male student that he isn't expressing himself eloquently. Or, maybe, I've just been incredibly attracted to men with a flash of arrogance and narcissism, or maybe just very sensitive men who don't see my role as one of giving them feedback. Let the world do that job, they may be thinking, because your job is to raise me up!
I harken back to this sentiment of improvement and progress that I have raised before. The dynamic I share with some male friends/husband is okay, but it could be so much better. When two people know one another so intimately, know the essence of each other, surely that sort of dynamic lends itself to honesty in a more profound way. If I'm willing to hear the criticisms, then why not the other?
In some ways, the role or title of 'dominant' and 'submissive' is a misnomer and doesn't serve us well in the long term. The energy that I seek, 'the gain', comes not from rigidly played out roles but a give and take that only remains in great shape when it is possible to discuss feelings and concerns in an intimate way. 'The gain' is not always available. It comes and goes and the best policy is to understand this; that we ebb and flow. The dominance and the surrender is dependent on energy from both people. It can, in fact, thrive on artificiality, but not in the long term. Love doesn't really understand the concept of power.
Unconditional love is a wondrous thing but to grow we must all surrender to the fact that we are all flawed - both the dominant and the submissive. Acknowledging that takes us farther, lifts us higher.
I totally get the thing about not criticizing men. Wow. Yes. Master criticizes me constantly. I read up on his astrology and it actually says that because of where a certain planet is placed he will express affection through criticism, because he truly thinks he's helping. That's regarding things like how I should organize my kitchen. Lol. As for sex, he's very critical there too, telling me what to do, how I should do it better, and such. But yes, as you said, he does NOT take criticism well, so I really have to be choosy about picking my battles. I can't bring something up unless it is so important, pretty much life threatening, that it's worth upsetting the relationship over it.
ReplyDeleteMy ex was the opposite of Master in every way, but he too could not take any criticism at all. Even if you were just trying to explain to him how to do something he hadn't ever done before he would storm off saying he couldn't do anything right and brood over it.
So even though they both can't take criticism, they have opposite reasons. Master doesn't like it because he thinks he knows everything and does everything right, and the ex couldn't take it because he thought he was an idiot who did everything wrong.
Ticklish: As you say, there is the lack of confidence issue that can make people defend their position and then there's the inflated sense of self that can make people think they are incapable of error. In both cases, criticism is a very challenging situation for them. It's challenging for everyone really. I try to be aware of my responses because I try to 'catch' my behavior that is ruled by the ego and not the heart. We spend a great deal of time defending our egos, unfortunately. I see my children in relationships where there is give and take and it strikes me as healthy. I would hate to lose those times when I get to submit, because I still love all that, but I do think that on a day to day level honesty must be acceptable on both sides. I see it as a 'checks and balances' thing. Of course, in my own life it doesn't work that way. The pixies will take over the world first.
ReplyDeleteI think it too much a generalization to assume that the male gender as a rule cannot take criticism. There is the "male pride" thing that comes into play, I will admit, but it is quite possible to give and receive constructive criticism regardless of that factor. Indeed, pride and arrogance are not the exclusive domain of the male gender. A concept I learned in relationship counseling is that of the Love Bank. Actually Vesta, I think you may have referenced this previously. One should make a few deposits in the love bank before making a withdrawal. In the case of offering criticism, one should first lead with several compliments. This helps the recipient become more receptive to the criticism and not view it as an attack.
ReplyDeleteI must also add that just because one did not intend harm is no reason to assume none was done and that an apology is not needed. If I were to knock over someone in the street because I wasn't looking where I was going it makes me no less responsible than if I barged into them deliberately. The harm has been done and it is my responsibility to make good. The men in your life who fail to do that are simply not looking out for others and should take more responsibility for their actions, intentional or otherwise.
PS dont underestimate the world domination plans of pixies. They are more cunning than they appear.