In 'power exchange' there's someone in charge, in control. In so many ways the arrangement is about control. It suggests, perhaps, that one person needs to come up with the answers for the other. Maybe not everyone interprets it this way, but certainly it is one interpretation. One person serves the other's will and ideally, that makes both people content.
With those thoughts in mind, it was particularly interesting to me to listen to a Buddhist monk recently and his philosophies of life. He grew up in Tibet but has made Australia his home. His English isn't fantastic but, in a way, his simple language aids the message. He'll say something and then often say "Clear" in an emphatic way. He means, there is no refuting this. There is no counter argument. Certainly, no-one tried to argue with him even when he made statements that caused some people to gasp.
Geshe isn't into praying or relying on some person outside of ourselves. You can go ahead and pray to 'God' or to Buddha or to a statue, but where is that going to get you, he asks. "You created problem, you solve problem," he told us. And, he's certainly not into convincing anyone of anything. You can listen along to him, but if you don't agree, that's fine with him. "You can do as I say or not. I don't much care," he said at the end.
The message was, fundamentally, that life is a construction of our minds. If we, for example, go off to the family Christmas dinner and find that a brother-in-law has a new sports car and that makes us feel bad, that's our fault. We need to work on that negative emotion of jealousy and recognize it is not serving us well. "Be happy for him," Geshe said. "Don't feel bad. Enjoy the party."
Geshe prescribes meditation, to increase the positive emotions in our lives and to decrease the negative emotions. A realist, he understands that in Australia people need houses and cars, and to keep warm in winter and cool in summer. "No need give up," he said. But, the material things of the world are not as important as "happiness". This is the purpose of life, he said, to be happy.
The woman beside me, my meditation teacher, noted that Geshe has a child-like innocence and I agree. He has an open and engaging face, a face full of wonder and peace. He smiles and laughs readily. He's happy. He is the personification of wisdom, of a life lived in difficult circumstances, but who has thrived in that life.
Geshe needed to leave Tibet for his own safety and travelled across the mountains to India with no food, no wallet. A woman sponsored his spiritual education - $10 a month - and later she paid for him to come to Australia. He slept on the streets of Byron Bay, not telling his fellow homeless compadres that he was a monk until much later when they bought him a yellow surfboard. His face lit up when he told that story. He's goodness. He's peace and he's happiness, this man. It's wonderful to just be in the same room as someone so...settled.
A person asked him how we can teach children to be peaceful and happy. "Spend time with them," he said. "Hug them, love them. Put them first." Geshe believes in education and he raises funds here to send back to Tibetan children to educate them. He's a complete realist. He explained that when the Chinese rolled in and took over Tibet that was easy for them because Tibetans were not educated. Now, he sends Tibetan children off to university and is proud to say that girls are in the majority.
Everything that you believe must be rational, he said. He mentioned it several times. No voodoo or hocus pocus for Geshe, just clear, rational thought about reality and how to live this life. "In 50 years, everyone in the room dead," he said. My husband said he made a wonderful case for self sufficiency. "Perhaps the Liberal Party could engage him," I joked, referring to our government's new budget, which encourages self sufficiency over handouts.
Without going into it all today, what Geshe said opens up questions for me about power exchange arrangements. If it makes you happy, wonderful. If there is too much time spent in confusion and upset, maybe you could do better for yourself. Clear.
With those thoughts in mind, it was particularly interesting to me to listen to a Buddhist monk recently and his philosophies of life. He grew up in Tibet but has made Australia his home. His English isn't fantastic but, in a way, his simple language aids the message. He'll say something and then often say "Clear" in an emphatic way. He means, there is no refuting this. There is no counter argument. Certainly, no-one tried to argue with him even when he made statements that caused some people to gasp.
Geshe isn't into praying or relying on some person outside of ourselves. You can go ahead and pray to 'God' or to Buddha or to a statue, but where is that going to get you, he asks. "You created problem, you solve problem," he told us. And, he's certainly not into convincing anyone of anything. You can listen along to him, but if you don't agree, that's fine with him. "You can do as I say or not. I don't much care," he said at the end.
The message was, fundamentally, that life is a construction of our minds. If we, for example, go off to the family Christmas dinner and find that a brother-in-law has a new sports car and that makes us feel bad, that's our fault. We need to work on that negative emotion of jealousy and recognize it is not serving us well. "Be happy for him," Geshe said. "Don't feel bad. Enjoy the party."
Geshe prescribes meditation, to increase the positive emotions in our lives and to decrease the negative emotions. A realist, he understands that in Australia people need houses and cars, and to keep warm in winter and cool in summer. "No need give up," he said. But, the material things of the world are not as important as "happiness". This is the purpose of life, he said, to be happy.
The woman beside me, my meditation teacher, noted that Geshe has a child-like innocence and I agree. He has an open and engaging face, a face full of wonder and peace. He smiles and laughs readily. He's happy. He is the personification of wisdom, of a life lived in difficult circumstances, but who has thrived in that life.
Geshe needed to leave Tibet for his own safety and travelled across the mountains to India with no food, no wallet. A woman sponsored his spiritual education - $10 a month - and later she paid for him to come to Australia. He slept on the streets of Byron Bay, not telling his fellow homeless compadres that he was a monk until much later when they bought him a yellow surfboard. His face lit up when he told that story. He's goodness. He's peace and he's happiness, this man. It's wonderful to just be in the same room as someone so...settled.
A person asked him how we can teach children to be peaceful and happy. "Spend time with them," he said. "Hug them, love them. Put them first." Geshe believes in education and he raises funds here to send back to Tibetan children to educate them. He's a complete realist. He explained that when the Chinese rolled in and took over Tibet that was easy for them because Tibetans were not educated. Now, he sends Tibetan children off to university and is proud to say that girls are in the majority.
Everything that you believe must be rational, he said. He mentioned it several times. No voodoo or hocus pocus for Geshe, just clear, rational thought about reality and how to live this life. "In 50 years, everyone in the room dead," he said. My husband said he made a wonderful case for self sufficiency. "Perhaps the Liberal Party could engage him," I joked, referring to our government's new budget, which encourages self sufficiency over handouts.
Without going into it all today, what Geshe said opens up questions for me about power exchange arrangements. If it makes you happy, wonderful. If there is too much time spent in confusion and upset, maybe you could do better for yourself. Clear.
As happens so often when I read you, you write about something that I am going through or what has recently been on my mind, Vesta. Lately I've been thinking about how overly complicated life can seem, when just asking "Is this making me happy?" and "Is it flowing naturally?" to various arrangements or situations could simplify it all.
ReplyDeleteThank you, as always.
Susan aka July Girl
There you go again, making mouse think. :)
ReplyDeleteVery thought provoking and articulates some of the things I have been trying to put into place in my life. Thanks Vesta
ReplyDeleteSusan, mouse, Joolz: I'm still pondering my own thoughts too but a couple of things occurred to me: 1) It's very important to be aware of who is giving us advice and how qualified they are to give it. Paying attention to one's own intution remains important, as does developing a strong mind that can cope with all that life throws at us, now and in the future. 2) Power exchange dynamics continue to be a great way of living with someone with a particular personality, but I feel that we probably have to strive for interdependency than co-dependency, which can be a risk for developing a strong mind and can zap a lot of energy. One of the reasons I say this is that, in my experience, the dominant's available energy waxes and wanes, so I think there has to be something more than D/s in our lives. I think there has to be a focus on spirituality that is a constant for us, no matter what. 3) Over the years, I've had a blast being 'degraded' and experiencing my own 'demise'. If necessary, I take myself to that place as best I can. So, I am not in any way advocating that we give up what provides so much energetic fuel in our lives, whatever that looks like to any particular submissive. I am advocating that we look carefully at the notion of self-sufficiency wherever possible to see if that suits our lives better. There's a great deal of strength in developing a strong mind. The narcissistic mind, very prevalent these days, has an inflated sense of self. There's a definite cultural shift to self and individualism now. I think the best place to reside is somewhere between co-dependency and narcissism - in that space where we recognize that it is in our power to make ourselves happy by working on developing a strong mind. 4) Human beings were meant to mate, generally speaking. We all have to find ways of living in harmony with our mate. This involves some compromise. There is no getting around that.
ReplyDeleteHope that helps. I felt, after reading your comments, I'd left too much unsaid.