It is several months ago since the day that I walked into my doctor's office - at least six months ago actually - and said that I couldn't get control of my emotions; that I felt that I just needed to talk to someone about what I was going through. He'd never seen me remotely, vaguely like that. I had always been in control of myself; always knew what I was doing and how to do it. He made note of the new me.
He listened for a while, thought it a good idea that I see someone and had me go home and do a specific online test that would give him direction to make out a "treatment plan" for the psychologist. I did the test purposely whilst my emotional state was raging. I wanted the results to be entirely honest.
Yet, even in that state, the little weird questions thrown in at odd moments were perfectly clear to me:
Do you ever feel that a voice is talking to you? No.
And later,
"Do you feel that you are under any body's control?"
If I answered "no", there were would be no repercussions. If I answered "yes" they would think me slightly mad. I answered "yes". I did feel under some body's control. I was emotional enough not to lie about that.
A few days later, I returned to my doctor to hear him tell me that I was suffering anxiety and that some of my thoughts were perhaps "paranoid". Here we go. Silly, truthful me.
At the psychologist's office, I was subjected to the scrutiny of dozens of questions all trying to get at my sense of things that I was being "controlled". Who was trying to control me and why did I think that way? This was getting a little out of hand.
I told her I knew what this was all about; that I was in a state that day; that I felt that I sometimes had to do things that I didn't necessarily want to do and that I answered the question that way fully aware that there would be questions about it (and made a mental note to say "no" to all such questions when they asked me to take the online test next time).
The fact is that whilst the therapy has assisted me in many ways, enabling me to talk more than anything else; to talk through issues as well as to explore on my own modes of thinking that may not have been beneficial to me, I was never really able to speak to her about the fact that I was being trained as a doll, that I wanted to experience that and that I was intensely aroused by such thoughts. I was never really able to speak to the issues surrounding my sexuality and the enormous sense of power, happiness and contentment I felt in "letting go" in that way. I was never really able to speak to the fact that I was being strongly encouraged to want what the 'dollmaker' wanted; that his wants became my wants; that his wants became my needs; that in fact he was simply bringing to the surface my own internal desires. I simply knew too well that she was writing down what I said and to her intellectually trained mind it was going to sound oh so "unhealthy".
So, I skirted the issues; spoke of my "submissive bubble" and my contentment therein and discovered that her goal became to break the bubble somewhat and encourage me to be more assertive; that the bubble was okay in the bedroom but not elsewhere. I found myself monitoring things to suit all parties. It was becoming hard work. It was useful. I won't say that it wasn't useful but in the end was I simply giving to her what I felt she wanted to have, too?? Ever the good submissive...
Off the top of my head (and I am typing incredibly fast here) I can't explain exactly how the therapy helped me. She said to me the time before last, "I don't have the answer" so I don't think even she could explain exactly how I was helped. But, I was helped. I was steered in certain directions and seeds were sown in my head that enabled me to feel in control of myself; relieved of my anxieties. I recognized my flaws, I suppose; was able to see clearly that I do experience some anxiety and I felt more able to handle it when it did crop up. I recognize it for what it is now and I self-soothe, primarily. If I am feeling particularly able, I ask for what I need - love and attention - and I feel particularly proud when I am able to do that - a key goal of my bimbo training, in fact!
The last few years of my life have been so intense, so rich, so challenging, so full of growth, I think I just needed a time out to digest it all and to figure out the lay of the land. Even the therapy at times was intense and believe me, there were days when I wanted to make the call and say to the psychologist I was done now. Thanks, and ciao! She could really annoy me, but I stuck with it and it is probably good that I did.
I think she feels she's done a good job and I would say she has done a good job. But, here's the rub. I'm still the dolli inside. I still prefer to wear dresses and skirts. I still think of my body as a thing to be used (as often as possible please!). I still fantasize in much the same way as I have done for years and I still feel most whole, most complete when I have been nothing more and nothing less than 'the doll' with zero control, inside or outside the bedroom. But, that is going to have to be our secret because if she knew what we knew, it just wouldn't be at all good.
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Vesta, it sounds like you're trying to answer two questions: Did you come to understand why you were in such a state six months ago that you asked for help? What's different now than then?
ReplyDeleteThere's so much in our lives that we evaluate as wrong or right (like more or less assertive). It's more a matter of what you are really wanting.
I'm glad to read you're in a better place.
Mick: Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I do know why I asked for help and I do know what I wanted. It seemed that my husband was always working and worrying and the stress of that environment over a couple of years wore me down.
ReplyDeleteI wrote down for my therapist what I wanted to achieve. She focused on some key areas - attending to my own needs, expressing my needs and asking for co-operation of the family; assertive behaviour strategies - asking, expressing emotions, saying no when necessary; disarming anger, dealing with guilt. She believed I was subjugating my own needs for others.
Within the period of time I had therapy I focused on feelings of calm on my own too and via meditations. My meditation teacher talked of people who bring us negative energy even though they love us. She said an effective strategy was to "love it anyway". I found this startingly effective in bringing me calm and also in effecting change in the other.
The therapy was def. effective in aiding calm and acceptance (we determined that some things would not change and so we worked on 'acceptance').
My desire was never to reject my submissive training and her efforts to break my submissive response was unsettling although I know she meant well. I don't think 'submissiveness' is in the handbook.
Ultimately, I think I put the therapy, the meditations and my own instincts together and created a change that induced a sense of calm in me and an environment where I could reach into my husband's world and rescue him/return him back to a world of pleasure, calm and connection for adequate periods of time. All I ever really wanted was to feel at peace with him and for him to connect with me in ways he had done before the huge stress entered our lives. We have come a very long way and we are both definitely happier as individuals and as a couple.
Vesta, I read it and I have a hard time agreeing. On the one hand, that excited adrenalin rush doesn't do much for long term commitments. but I never got anything done without that long burning "fire in the belly." Yes, there must be self discipline but it is to accomplish those things that are most important (that we are passionate about) to us.
ReplyDeleteMick: Sorry, I initially mistakenly responded to PL with the link to Steve Patina's blog on this post and not the Passion post, so I am just leaving this comment here for those that would like to follow the thread of those comments on the 'Passion' post. For the record, I agree with you. People are people and they need to do what lights their fire. Self-discipline is not enough.
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