Personal power

I have been thinking about the 'personal power' chakra and I have been thinking too about the visualization that my meditation teacher told us about in some detail - a way of making the personal power chakra stronger. I even mentioned it to my psychologist in one of my final sessions. (There have only been ten sessions but they have been stretched out over a few months.)

My psychologist is very much a pragmatist, a recovering perfectionist, a feminist who I can see bristling when I mention 'submission' and so I knew that the chakras would not be her thing. But, I felt the need to tell her that I thought the chakras and my personal power weakness to be related to my thoughts - and thoughts are definitely her thing.  I explained to her that I very, very much wanted to maintain balance in life - to have peace within myself by finding my boundary point (or balance) within and not allowing other people to interfere overly in maintaining that balance.

I explained to her that I sometimes felt that my joyful and peaceful state was disrupted by others who needed me to deal with their own upset and distress and that despite my best efforts to stay calm and balanced within myself, their upset upset me.

Somehow or other we were quickly into the world of my thoughts and she was going over old territory and delving further. We were talking about my "guilt" and blind Freddie could have seen that she had a point. When I had a plan of my day or my morning and some loved one came along with their own needs of me I quickly bought into the notion that their needs superseded my own. Although I was put off balance by this I invariably gave into their needs due to my feelings of guilt that otherwise I would be considered a "bad mother" or a "bad wife" or a "bad submissive". It went back to the notion of "subjugation" and it needed to return to the notion of "assertiveness" where I had the personal power to express the fact that I had needs of my own. I needed to create "barriers" around myself, she said.

I told her that I had been accepted for the Masters of Writing programme at my desired institution but was a little concerned. My desk was close to the action of the household, although I did have a little nook in my sights upstairs where I would have more privacy. She went in for the kill. Yes, the nook was a good idea and when there, unless it was an emergency, I should not be interrupted, she said. I had to be forceful about this. I had to claim my right for this to be considered important to me.

I needed to write new "narratives", she said. I needed to see that it was not helpful to other people to always jump to their beck and call. They needed to understand the consequences for their own actions and to rely less on me. Most of all, I needed to drop the guilt. I had devoted my life to my family and this was my time in the sun. She was still talking softly but I could see she was firm about this. At one point she even said, "tell them that Michelle said..." Oh boy!

This morning I went to my yoga class and when we completed the class with our regular relaxation time on our mats I felt ready to try something that I had been thinking about for 5 days. I decided to try the meditation that my teacher had told me about to boost my personal power. It just seemed the right time to do that.

I was at the base of a mountain; a beautiful and lush mountain, perhaps in Bali. I was dressed comfortably for the warmth of the day and I began the trek up the mountain; step by step up the wooden steps. By the time I reach the mountain top, a plateau, I was weary but invigorated by the beautiful view of other mountain caps in the distance. It was all stunningly green and the heavens seemed close.

Maybe 100 metres away I saw a beautiful, brightly coloured cushion and a small fireplace glowing bright. I approached the cushion and saw that there was paper and pen on the cushion and I picked it up and sat down on the cushion with my legs crossed. I knew that I was here for a purpose and on the paper I wrote down the behaviours of one person in particular; the behaviours of that person towards me that had hurt me. I made a list of those behaviours and when I had finished I crunched the paper into a ball.

I held the ball of paper in my hand, and registering that the person was indeed very safe and that I only had influence over their hurtful behaviours, I carefully placed the ball of paper into the fire. I did not take my eyes off the paper until the flames had turned every bit of the paper into ash and even then I sat for a minute or so and accepted that the bad behaviours of the past had been destroyed.

I felt my breathing soften and calm and as I looked about me, east and west, I could see nothing but spectacular beauty. I had an urge to stand and as I stood I felt a desire to bring my hands up to the heavens. I twirled and felt a magnificent lightness of being. My chest swelled with a knowledge of my new found personal power. I felt it lift upwards and I felt the surge of energy.

In real life, I was still laying on my yoga mat in a room full of women but I was unable to stop the tears that flowed from my eyes and down the sides of my face. This was a surreal moment; a holy, sacred moment of love and power and energy. My personal power chakra overflowed with a new sense of enlightenment.

It is said that one meditates when one needs to be with oneself and when one is ready, and each person knows this instinctively if they care to listen to themselves, they will return to the relationships of their lives and have more to give. My heart tells me very clearly that this is time to meditate.I trust that this will renew me in such a way that my loved ones will ultimately be the benefactors of my understanding that we must each have a relationship with ourselves. This does not, in my estimation, go against submission but merely makes for a more complete human being, better able to express his or her true nature.