What feels best

I am often told that I am "strong". People will say to me "you are a strong woman". I suppose that I have heard it enough now that I have chosen to believe it.

I think it is true that I am a survivor and more than that, someone who can turn around a difficult situation and make it right. I sometimes have an image of quite literally twisting my head around until it looks at a problem or a situation from a new perspective. I guess you could say that I believe that if you only make the effort to look at a situation with a fresh perspective, the solution is in there somewhere. If all else fails, well then I simply "choose" to be happy. Being sad can be so boring for me and I simply say something to myself along the lines, "Look, it is not that bad. It is actually fine. You are okay." The positive thought just kick starts me and off I go.

I loathe the thought of being a "victim" and I just don't allow myself those sort of indulgences too often or for too long. You are only a victim if you believe you are a victim and I believe that I have the capacity to rise above that sort of thinking. We all do.

I am incredibly proud of my third child. I don't refer to him often because he is a private person and I feel I should respect that, even here in my very private space. But, I will say that I am extremely proud of him. I applaud his ability to see any set back as just that: a setback. He has had his failures but he has never wallowed in them; always immediately planned to resolve the situation; always gets right back on his bike. I don't know where he got his resilience but if we all had what he has, we'd be in very good shape indeed.

But, having said all that, at the heart of the matter is the fact that I am a very gentle and soft person. When I am hurt or feeling low, I feel it down to my toes. In line with my nature, asking for anything is very, very difficult and that includes support, comfort or consolation. It is the Achilles heel of strength unfortunately: the inability to ask for anything at all; to simply soldier on.

Commonsense tells me that one cannot improve a skill unless one practices it and so it must surely go that  I need practice in asking. I understand this as a rational thought and yet it remains an extraordinarily hard thing for me to do. My thinking goes like this: "If he wanted to talk to me, or if he wanted to spend time with me, or if he wanted to use me, then he would. And, if he doesn't do that thing I want, then that tells me he doesn't want to do it, and if he doesn't want to do it, then that's it.  I don't want him to feel obliged to do it. I'll just sit here in the dark and wait."

Reality bites, too. My reality is making me to do more myself; to rely more on my own nouse and to practise independence and competence. It is the opposite of asking: it is saying, just get on with it!

Recognizing my own competence in more areas is not a bad thing. I enjoy expressing my competence on one level. Yet, deep within me I am aware that what I really want is to feel comfort and support: to express my needs and deepest desires; to be the dum dum dolli much more often than I can. Oh dear, but I want that state - what a hole in my heart there can be at times as I crave for that state of  mind!

Once a doll, always a doll. Create the doll and she lives forever. She needs to express herself and so no matter how strong I am, I am also in need; in need of dominant energy. I cannot ask for that but I can remain hopeful that it will come my way. And, when it does, I can feel so much better than able, so much better than competent, so much better than strong. I can feel completely alive.