A fork in the road

I opened this web journal to readers on March 9, 2009. I had written a couple of posts for Deity's web journal earlier than that, but March 9 is when I began writing here. And, I see that it is just slightly over two years since that day. Reading back there this morning, I feel rather pleased that my voice was loud and clear and that in fundamental ways, I have not changed.

I mentioned in the post that I was inclined to analyze and two years of writing here is testament to that! Oh boy! I mentioned that submission was a big part of my life and that is certainly still true today. I mentioned that I was "complicated" and that is now official. And, I mentioned that submission makes me happy and that what makes me happy makes for a happy husband and children. It is still pertinent and true. I am a fortunate woman to be able to say that I am much loved.

A lot of water has passed under the bridge in the past two years and I am delighted and grateful to also be able to say that I have learned much about submission and myself. It hasn't been a particularly easy period of my life but it has been rich in growth and I have had some truly extraordinary experiences and moments.

I'd be lying if I said that arousal was not a huge plus of the past two years. A few years prior to opening this web journal I came out as a spanko. The arousal began on that very first day and so I cannot attribute the writing here or the experiences of the past two years to turning on the arousal response. What I can say is that I learned to be aroused in very new and exciting ways over the past two years. Some of the most thrilling sexual experiences of my life took (and take) place in a state of complete surrender. Those states satiate my deepest longings; renew and enrich me in ways I had not thought imaginable.

I will always be grateful for the training I received that enabled me to reach those highs (or lows, depending on which way you look at). It has kept me young, playful and abundantly happy with life. It is my delicious, dirty secret and I consider myself very lucky. My husband (and remember he is pure Aussie and speaks from the heart and the gut at the one moment) has always maintained that you can tell when a woman has been well fucked. Many is the time when he tells me I "glow" and certainly in the hours after I have been "used" and even objectified, I feel an electric charge and a lightness of being that must surely be a good thing.

A lot of the work of the past two years has gone into my mindset. Given my husband's personality and mine, I have needed to come to terms with the fact that he's the boss not just in the bedroom but he's the boss of the family and of me, in all areas really. I needed to learn all sorts of things about that. I needed to learn to ask for what I need. I needed to learn to accept him for exactly who he is and not try to change him. I needed to learn to talk to him in a way where he listened and took in what I wanted to say.

I needed to learn to accept that when he decided to do things in his own way, I could be at peace with that and have faith that things would work out satisfactorily in the end. I belong to him and he belongs to me. We play different roles and have different responsibilities but we are two parts of a whole and a very intact, deeply loving and caring whole at that. I feel very at peace with all this now. I feel that our future is bright and I know we go forward in good order, completely united and have much to look forward to.

I've accepted myself as the introverted soul that I am. Enjoying the company of many different kinds of people, afterwards I look to go home and seek out my own company; to charge my batteries and reflect; always reflecting. I have learned that I must find ways to switch off my brain from the thoughts that so often race there and I now have a regular routine of walking with the dogs; yoga; pilates and being very still; a sort of meditation, though I have so much yet to learn about that. I seek a balance with the world and within myself that can only be mine when I embrace a still mind.

Objectification was an enormous part of stilling my mind and completely successful. I don't expect anyone to understand that any more than I expect anyone to fully understand anything that they have not experienced. I was only 'It' a handful of times but this was an 'out of body' experience for me and one I would not have missed for the world. I am eternally grateful to have had those opportunities.

I've loved embracing my 'dolli' state. I love dressing up and always have and the idea that I pay attention to my dress, my makeup, my nails and so on was like giving me a piece of New York cheesecake; scrumptious. Talking sweetly, minding my manners, choosing words very carefully and even removing words from my vocabulary were amazing experiences for me and I have relished them. The need to return to that cindi state often overwhelms me; what a happy little camper she is - so wanting to please, to obey and to sink down into that wanton and submissive space of hers. I love her to death!

Yet, I feel a change in the wind and possibly a new direction. Nothing about me and my submissive nature has changed at all but there is an understanding that there is nothing more to challenge. I am who I am. I function best in a particular way and my husband functions best in a particular way. We get this. We accept this. We want this. It is not that there is not more to learn and experience, because I have no doubts that there is.

Rather, I must now work on the other part of me that also lied dormant for many years. It is indisputable that I was born to be a wife and a mother. I adore my family with a very deep passion and when the time comes that I am a grandmother I will welcome those babies into my arms and my life with abundant warmth in my heart. My husband relishes the thought, always saddened that our children needed to grow up at all. How much he loved to cuddle them!

The part of me that is just me - the girl who came into the world alone - must now find the courage and the will to find her voice and to express herself - not as a wife or a mother or a submissive woman but the woman that must stand on her own two feet and do something just for herself, of which her family will be proud. It is time now for this girl to recognize herself as an autonomous person - a person in her own right who must make her mark on the world and leave behind a little piece of herself.

Of course one goal does not negate the other, nor would that be acceptable or achievable. It is not in my nature to take on something that would interfere with the fine balance of the rest of my life. But, it is quite clear that I need to try to achieve something in my own right now and my husband wants that very much as well. I need to find the confidence in myself and in my own abilities to take risks and to branch out further into life. I have taken little baby steps along that path and I know it makes me feel good to find that part of me again.

What I am trying to say is that I don't know how much reason there will be any more to write on these pages about my life. It isn't that I have gone away or that my interest has gone away but rather that I need to find new interests and ways of expressing myself that won't be relevant here. I am old enough to know that you must never say 'never' and so these pages will stay open and from time to time, no doubt there will be something to express and share. And, David and I enjoy writing about Frederick and Angus and you'll continue to find those chapters here.

This little web journal of mine is very dear to me and in my own way, I am proud of it - of peeling the onion one layer at a time until I found that which was true to me and right for me. Right now, it feels that I have reached a place and that there is nothing more to share in this semi-public space.I have been wrong before and I could be wrong again. So let's just say, that I will see you somewhere down the track.