Communication styles

In many ways, a power exchange is an alternative form of communication. Fundamentally, I developed interest in the power exchange dynamic because I was exploring a way to communicate with my husband that was suited to his personality and to mine.

I do most sincerely hope that I have not painted an incorrect picture of my husband. He has a very soft side, is generous to a fault when he can be, is loving and sweet natured much of the time. His Achilles heel is most definitely his temper and a sense of frustration when things don't go his way. My Achilles heel is that I become really upset internally when I feel that someone has acted unfairly towards me. The power dynamic, I hoped, would take these two factors into account and allow us to better communicate with one another.

In spite of the many challenges of the past eighteen months in our lives, I feel certain that the power exchange has improved the way we communicate. Unfortunately, we still do trip ourselves up. I am happy to say, however, that these situations are more and more rare. When I think about these occurrences, there truly is no point in considering "fault". Yes, perhaps he was unreasonable in ways and I was unable to recover quickly enough, so perhaps I am at fault there. The best way I know how to deal with these occurrences is to reflect on them when I am totally calm and try to use them as learning situations. So, with that said, allow me to consider one of those more recent situations.

We were away last week, my youngest son and I accompanying my husband on a business trip. One day, he told us he had a meeting at lunchtime and he thought we could take a walk down on the boardwalk by the river before that. That sounded nice. I got ready but he was still not dressed. As he and my son ate their breakfast and mindlessly watched something or other on the television, I sorted out the apartment and when he still wasn't ready, I took my book out to the balcony to read. (Yes, that was a sort of protest. I can admit that now.)

Quite suddenly, I think he realized that time had flown by and he became irritated. Was I ready? Why did he always have to wait for me? Why had I taken both the keys? (He found his key a few minutes later.) He completely lost his temper and became, as far as I was concerned, totally unreasonable and unfair.

Perhaps, he thought that I would hurry him along. Perhaps, he thought I would remind him of the fact that we had left precious little time to take the walk? Perhaps, he expected me to stand waiting at the front door for him to be ready. We have had this conversation over and over – that I can’t just stand by him for what could be hours for him to be ready to leave; that I have plenty to do and will do tasks whilst he does what he needs to do until he informs me he is ready.

As he became more offensive with his accusations I lost all desire to take a walk with him and told him so. I think at that moment deep down he registered that he had done it again, but when people are upset they aren’t inclined to admit it, and he followed me out to the balcony and lectured me, telling me that my ego was in play again. I really was far too upset to acknowledge that or to accompany him and he left with our son for the walk, which was fine by me.

I can’t really explain on paper the internal distress I experience at such moments. It is not unknown for me to crawl up into a ball but I wanted to heal that day. I needed to find my equilibrium and find my peace. The previous day I noted that the city had a famous Cathedral and I picked up my handbag and went in search of it. On my way, I passed a pretty church and I decided to go inside. It was heavenly to sit in the quiet church and as ten minutes or so went by I could begin to feel myself settle down.

In fact, I found myself shortly thereafter in the midst of a Catholic service and although I could not make out a lot of the priest’s words, I knelt when others knelt and so on. At a certain point he must have given a directive and the next thing I knew a girl who had come in after me and sat in the pew in front of me turned to me, smiled beautifully, held out her hand and said, “Peace be with you.” I shook her hand and repeated the phrase and then again with another girl beside her.

I felt an extraordinary sense of happiness. My whole body buzzed with a sense of love and when I knelt shortly thereafter, I found that tears had formed in my eyes and were rolling down my cheeks. I gathered myself and left shortly thereafter, incredibly moved by the whole experience.

I left the church, rang my son and collected him a few minutes later from the hotel and we went to the Botanical Gardens and along the board walk and he showed me what he had seen with his Dad. I suggested we call to see if my husband would like to join us for a late bite and when he arrived we kissed and he gave me one of his puppy dog looks – the one that means he knows he was being difficult. We had a lovely afternoon together, the three of us.

The only other mention we made of the incident was just when we were about to walk into the apartment again later that day and I said, “You can be really difficult” and he said, “Yes, I can.”

It would make me extraordinarily happy if we never had such an exchange ever again. We are both upset by them and I think they hurt us. But, neither of us is perfect and I don’t imagine that we will ever be perfect. But, I think the power exchange we engage in is allowing for a much faster repair time.

I recognize my role in the relationship. As well, I recognize the need to go away sometimes and heal myself; to cleanse myself; to self-soothe. Instead of asking him for what he cannot give me, I have developed strategies to cope better and I think that is entirely legitimate. Demanding that he apologize, waiting for him to apologize or taking full blame for the situation are all strategies that don’t work.

On the other hand, I do accept my part of the blame. In my marriage, I will always be the ‘Personal Assistant’ – the one who takes note of the time, who needs to be ready on his time frame, the one who keeps the show on the road. And, sitting idly reading my book and not managing the situation was a red rag to a bull. He expects more.

I do not believe that a power exchange dynamic provides all the answer to issues between people in a marriage. However, for us, it greases the wheels and makes for a smoother ride, and that is indeed, a good thing.