Us

 For those who haven't read this e-journal before, let me recap the past year or so.

We engaged a sort of sex therapist with the idea that we wanted a more formal and satisfying D/s relationship. There was considerable derailment around whether we were codependent or not, blah, blah, blah. As opposed to providing a sense of calm and equanimity - always my goal - there was a long period of dishevelment and analysis, never a good thing.

There was a 10-week period around 15 months ago where I was in a no-man's land. That is, my submissive thoughts had been removed via hypnotic trance, and ultimately, they were returned with some more intensity. If you should ever find yourself wondering if this is a good idea, all I can say is, I do not recommend the process.

However, once the submission was returned with gusto, for a few weeks, it was a dream come true. My submission was attached to orgasm and obedience, and I revelled in it. We both did.

There was a day over (our) summer when things didn't go so well. He interrogated me about my thoughts and in the end, I expressed some fears around the status quo (unrelated to the relationship per se but rather around my sense of safety. He can tolerate miles more risk than me and that's what that was about).

This set us deeply off track in term of the oh so new intense dynamic. He simply stopped being sexually dominant.

It's hard to put in words the sense of loss. Having waited for so long for him to be this way, the rug was pulled from under my feet so soon after it had begun.

We both wore the responsibility of the failure. It's like we didn't know how to repair, we honestly didn't know what to do.

I started to talk about the Contract, a BDSM sort of Contract, one of fair substance and detail, finalising it and getting it signed. He sort of agreed but he actually did next to nothing (read nothing) to sort this. I would write a draft, and he would look at it and in more recent times, sometimes he would say something like, 'I don't see how you can have so much input into it, it doesn't feel right'. I would reply, 'So can you give your input?'

Maybe two months ago, he agreed to sit down and discuss it with me, and we took notes. It was a great session, but still something was holding him back. It remained incomplete and unsigned. He later shared that it felt like a business contract and as such required line by line analysis and he didn't have the time or inclination for it.

I started listening to Andrew and Dawn at Dom Sub Devotion and for the first time, it all made so much sense. Here was a man who had lived in a longish marriage who had come to his wife and asked for a power dynamic, like me.

Slowly, carefully, artfully, with deep respect and wisdom he had become the architect of their lives such that she could sink into her authenticity as he could sink into his. I was completely smitten.

So, I thought about all the elements of their power dynamic that I loved and in one sitting, one afternoon, whilst my husband was at work, I wrote us a new and short Contract. I think I wrote it in ten minutes because it simply flowed out of me.

I sent it in a text to my husband and when he saw his phone and read it, he sent me back a row of hearts. Later, he told me it was perfect.

In spite of all the mutterings about me being codependent to my husband, I am not. I am and always have been an independent gal, perfectly able to entertain and look after myself. I need love and I need attention, just like any submissively oriented girl. Bringing up four children, I often couldn't find time for myself. Yes, I was a devoted mother, but I am in a different era of my life and I can do self-care. I do have boundaries. 

I have, twice in my life, been subject to a form of love bombing. I used to berate myself for falling prey to this, but I have stopped doing that. I am probably no more and no less vulnerable to that sort of behaviour than any other girl who experienced some neglect as a child. I liked the adoration and when the devaluation started to take place, it took a little while for my brain to sort it, but sort it, it did.

That said, it feels authentic and pleasing to be in a D/s relationship. I enjoy being able to express my submissive nature. I'm perfectly okay with that.

I am happy to share the Contract here, for those who might resonate with a contract that has no BDSM notions and practices specifically laid out. We are in a long-term loving relationship and a consensual non-consensual relationship is what does it for us when all is well between us, as it is now.

Just before I do, I would like to share a recent happening when I, in my head, used the tenor of the Contract to remedy a situation.

We had had a very active period of time, interstate, and immersed in activities - fun, but exhausting. In the Uber on the way home I thought about what would be, a very late dinner. I suggested I send to my husband's text a list of ingredients and he was happy to make the run to the supermarket whilst I watered the garden after the heatwave.

By the time he returned, my tiredness had made me crochety. He isn't used to that, and he was doubly crotchety back. We ate the dinner, and I made my way to bed. We said good night to each other, but I knew he wasn't happy with me.

In the morning, he came to kiss me goodbye and as I put my arms around him, I said, "I am sorry." He said, "That means a lot to me." The dynamic was restored. This was good. I congratulated myself.

Inside, the feeling is different now. I am more at peace. Not all that much has changed on the surface, perhaps, but deep down, it feels far more real.

I require a sense of safety. There's been reason to be fearful in my life and it is a sense of safety I hanker for.

I also have taken from my childhood a bit of unworthiness, which is, quite frankly, an illusion. Sure, I could have achieved more, and maybe I will achieve more, but I have done fine. It's time to tell the self-judging part to back off. I am enough.

I plead guilty to having done my fair share of caretaking, but I have learned so much and put so much in place.

I honestly believe that my husband and I are in fact interdependent. We are there for each other. He has my back, and I have his back. We encourage each other in our individual pursuits, and we still love to spend time together. After 49 years together, I think that's not bad.

So, here's the Contract. I hope it helps someone.

CONTRACT BETWEEN VESTA and HER MAN

Henceforth from this date, C is the leader of this relationship and Vesta is the follower.

C will guide her as necessary and keep her safe, loved and cherished.

Vesta will accept his guidance and devote herself to him and the relationship.

In this way they both will experience polarity and the strongest sense of their own authenticity.

The dynamic will be experienced in moments of polarity as determined by C. Such moments, as determined by him and conveyed to her, would include the morning greeting, the wearing of a piece of jewellery symbolising their relationship, the turning down of the bed, for Vesta to wait to eat until he has his first bite of food, for Vesta to wait for him to open a car door, to order her meal at a restaurant.

C will determine how and when they will play together, and will decide on toys used, impact, pleasure, denial, instruction. Vesta will follow his lead in this, as in all things.

C, in seeking her authenticity, will enforce her expressing her full range of emotions and thoughts, in a respectful way, with final decisions as to direction and substance being determined by C.

This contract is written in expression of their enduring love, to death and beyond.

With love,

Dominant energy

 In one podcast I listen to relating to people in a D/s relationship, one couple found themselves living in different states for an extended period of time due to work commitments. She talked about strategies used to feel safe and loved. It's a few years ago now. I think she wears a night collar to tether her.

My husband and I did, at a few points in our lives together, live in different states, or even different countries, but that was a long time ago.

In the past year or even longer, we have lived almost in a twilight space. He has very long days, sometimes working in the house, but mostly he has left the house early and come home late.

We try hard to make that time late at night work to forge a connection. I start a meal, maybe go to yoga, come home and finish its preparation and then check in with him as to how far away he is.

Last night, we were eating the evening meal at 9.45 pm and I commented lightly that we were working our way towards a South American life where eating at that time was actually eating early.

He offered me a cup of tea after we ate, and we chatted about nothing all that particular whilst we drank the tea; then decided to finish watching a movie we had begun weeks ago, Fall Guy. It doesn't get much mindless than that and we had no mind left to think.

The expression of the dynamic between us right now doesn't have much of an overt show. I was told that I must wear one of the three pieces of jewellery that signify our agreement; one of two bracelets or a small necklace. It depends on the outfit. I had chosen the black and silver bracelet because it's safe to wear to yoga and won't clang or move too much.

If I were or were not in a power dynamic, I would make a well-balanced meal and one I know he would enjoy and suits his health issues. It gives me joy to present the meal to him and if he particularly enjoys it or if it is a new recipe, his compliments are generous.

I mostly clear the kitchen myself. He's dog tired these days after dinner and it's the least I can do.

He asked me, sitting on the couch, if there was something I would like him to do and I said, 'Would you like to rub my toes?' He said back, 'How about you rub my toes?'  I agreed and he lay himself down whilst I began to rub his feet and his toes.

He was very open about how much he was enjoying this and how long it had been since I had done something like this for him, and I registered it as the truth. He knows I adore to be touched and played with, and it is usually me getting that sort of attention from him. I made a mental note to be sure to attend to him in these ways much more regularly.

According to attachment style criteria I fall under the banner of an attunement attachment style. One develops as a child, if necessary, an attachment style to keep them safe. I struggle to ask to have my needs met, or at least I have over time. I think my needs are clear now. I state them with clarity now, but I don't always express them as calmly and respectfully as I should. Patience.

Attunement is not his survival attachment style. Yet, there are elements there. He struggles to tell me what he wants even though he tends to take what he feels he needs. If I were to answer the question, what does your husband need from you most, I would answer, 'plenty of time to himself'.

It won't change dramatically, but I think we might be heading down the path where we do have more time to create something more special together. Like one or two of the podcasts I listen to about couples who have created something quite sacred together, each new era in our lives is an opportunity for new creation. There is so much that is good about our union that I never give up on making the next body of time more special than the last one, no matter the obstacles.

The last thing I want is for our union to be akin to 'friends'. That is really taking a marriage straight to the bottom, at least for me. Well, that's one aspect. We are our best friends, for sure. I am his supporter, and he is mine. And we are very much in sync as parents and grandparents. 

Underlying everything is his masculine drive: to succeed, to protect, to set straight at times, and, more and more, to nurture. I do think he is beginning to see that I am a woman full of moving emotions, full of love, and he is starting to see what can be behind my upsets. 

For whatever reason, I am a little triggered when someone asks me where an item is. I think I try very hard to do the right thing by people and a missing item implies to me that I have misplaced the darn thing and inconvenienced them. I think that's the trigger.

I began to look for the thing. I just go into hyperdrive and it's far from the first time. He took me into a hug and said, 'It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You're a good girl.' 

Now, that's full marks for emotional intelligence, for meeting me in a low spot and bringing the vibration up.

I think this is a most dominant energy; to calm your girl; to be aware of what drives her and probably drives you both crazy. It's so much better than getting cross at her for not staying completely calm and undisturbed.

Women, women like me, want to feel safe in their bodies and being in a dominant energy, a dominant energy that says 'I've got you'; that's what we need.

I'll be entirely truthful here and say that I really would like something...firm. I'd like to feel his dominant presence with impact play such that he just pleased the hell out of himself. He's too tired to even think about it right now. This comes a close second.

Attention

 I'm aware of power dynamics where it is all, or very close to all, serious. There are lighthearted moments, I don't doubt, but it's so clearly defined that there isn't all that much wiggle room. I had a brief email exchange with one dominant man very recently who seemed to be very much like that. All good, except it's not the style of dynamic that keeps me up at night embodying the thrill of it all; in other words, getting hot and bothered.

To be sure, the fantasies are strict and exacting. It's the fastest route to orgasm, I have to say. I don't doubt that for a moment, which is why it happens that way, not just for me but for countless women. You go where you need to, to get the required result.

In real life, my mind goes to a much more nuanced dance with a dominant man. Think of Lee, in the Secretary here. Remember the last moment when she throws a bug in the bed? Hopefully, I remembered the last few moments correctly. That's the sort of thing I mean. I think of it as a game of sorts where there are rules, there are expectations, but there's also some space for a subtle and oh so erotic seduction of the power.

When I was writing up a contract which we had talked about together at length, which is yet to be looked over and signed by my husband, but will hopefully happen soon, we wanted to think up a fake rule. That is, it wasn't an important rule, what I called 'standing orders' but rather a rule that was a clear indication more power needed to be expressed, and soon.

I have always had trouble thinking up what that would be. My husband gave me a couple of thoughts and in the end, I wrote up that if I left clean laundry on his pillow at night, that was the sign. I liked this in the end because one of the standing orders is that I turn down his side of the bed, and to arrive there and find laundry on the pillow...well, you can't ignore that, can you?

The way these fake rules were explained to me, it's important to understand the cave you are walking into here, and I suppose, the bear that manages the cage you are rattling. There's no part two of the fake rule indicating the consequences of failure to abide. You take what you are given from there on. 

I must say, I do like this. I find this quite the turn on; a mix of hilarity with fear, which definitely floats my boat.

If the power dynamic were all serious, I'm not sure it would entirely suit my slightly irreverent state of mind. All seriousness somehow implies to me that I am morally, intellectually and common-sense wise inferior, which doesn't really...fit. 

It's hard to imagine a life when I didn't sometimes point out, in sweet terms and with a wry smile, that my idea might be better than his. Or, that just maybe he was being a tad too serious.

In younger years, my husband would often say, 'I'm serious'. Of course, I knew that. So, I started calling him 'Mr. Serious' in the hopes he might see a lighter side of the situation. I haven't called him that for many years and he hasn't said he was serious for many years, so maybe that worked.

Now, this is not to say I don't want him to notice any breaches in the contract. If he doesn't notice, if he doesn't give me his attention in this way, well, what's the point? I very much want to be accountable because that's where the arousal sits. There's something about being caged that is so freeing. Did I mention it's about attention for me?

I am fortunate to have had good health overall in my life and especially in the past 30 years, and so it's sort of become normal for my husband to think I have boundless energy. When I do inevitably run out of gas, he's not likely to notice. I have to explain this to him.

There's the infamous moment in Singapore many years ago when I had unbearable pain. We were in the lobby of a lovely hotel awaiting another couple, my husband's head in a newspaper and me fighting waves of period pain unlike anything I had ever experienced. I told him I was going to the pharmacy, but the tablets did nothing to assuage the pain. 

Eventually, I got his attention and told him I was about to faint with the pain. He burst to attention then and engineered my entry into a taxi that took us to our hotel where I promptly went to sleep. (If you are a woman reading this and experience intense period pain, provide yourself with a deep orgasm and this will cut the pain at least in half and allow you to sleep.)

It is with a deep sense of jealousy that I think of women in power exchange with men who can't wait to provide oodles of attention, even if that attention comes holding implements or a laying down of the law. It's attention. It's attention. The dance has begun.

I am inching my way closer to dance, literally speaking. I have found a dance studio close by. Anything somatic. Anything kinesthetic. It's flow, it's movement, it's attending to this moment of this life.

My God, I can't wait to see Nicole Kidman in Babygirl. The shorts have me totally smitten. Nicole said in one interview that playing that woman was a highlight of her life. She might have even gone further.

It's not often a woman gets the chance to submerge herself in the role of a babygirl, a slut, a bimbo, a slave, whatever floats your boat. It's so exhilarating and relaxing at the same time. It's complete authenticity in my case. For me too, it's one of the highlights of my life.

I said to my husband recently, 'I don't know why I am the way I am. I am some sort of throwback to a much more ancient civilization.' Honestly, life would have been simpler if I was not this way but there's not a thing I can do about it.

I must surely have written about the time I was taken into trance and lived, for a precious hour or so, the life of a slave girl. There wasn't a single moment when I wasn't living and loving that life. Even being in trouble, and that's not exactly an easy place for me, since I don't like to displease (and therefore get told off in no uncertain terms), is a super-hot memory.

There was, however, one second where I was ever so slightly out of trance. The hypnotist said this. "And sometimes you will be punished, but that's okay, because you will still be getting attention.'

I had one side of my head resting on an ottoman as I was listening to him telling me this story, and I smiled. He had my number.  This, dear reader, is the truth. 

Grief and sadness

 Do you ever wonder how someone really feels about you? Do you ever find yourself thinking someone's behavior is a little strange, and put some judgment around that?

We can play ducks and drakes with someone for years, barely giving them a hint that we like them, or care about them or would miss them if they vanished.

I wonder why that is. We all have our reasons, but I am guessing it is often about not wanting to be embarrassed, or rejected, or scorned.

Maybe there's good evidence to the fact that they actually like you, but do they like you enough to do only something, but not enough to do something else. 

You are caught in the cross hairs. What does it all mean??

A dominant man, as in a really dominant man, dominant down to his bones, has, as far as I can tell, an agenda. It might be naughty, it might be nice; it might be to help, it might be to please themselves. 

The thing is they don't share their agendas really, so you don't really know what's behind the facade.

You know, you have all the terminology. 'Good girl' What does that even mean? That you pleased them? That you are going along with the unsaid plan? That you don't raise objections?

It can get even more obtuse. 'Be your best self'. 'Operate for your highest good'.

I looked that one up, the last one, and nobody can define that one, because it means something specific to each person, if they have thought about it at all.

I'm not criticizing exactly, but these unsaid plans seem to be based around change, maybe transformation. On one level, it's all good, but what if the limitations of the humble man are also those of the dominant? Just maybe he doesn't have the power to alter the Universe's plan. Maybe, there isn't a win: win in this scenario.

I like it right here in the present moment, one simple breath at a time: expecting nothing. There's nothing to hope for, to wish for, to adjust and adapt. It's just what is. It's me as the observer, simply noticing.

There's all this striving you can do in the hope of wonderful outcomes, or there's no striving in particular, apart from what one really must do. You decide.

As I wrote that last line I realized, 'ah yes, that's the submissive's sweet spot.' Just sit right here and let it all play out. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go.

David, my dear blog friend David, who passed on some years ago, once said to me about submission, 'you give everything up and you see what you get back'.

I'd be happy with that deal except that there are times as a submissive when it hurts too much. I mean it hurts too much when the connection is lost or supposedly requires severing for a time.

There's been a lot of severing over time. I never knew there could be quite so much of it.

I heard an explanation of grief recently. It never goes away they said but if your life is a big circle and the grief starts off as nearly as big a circle as your life, over time the circle will become smaller. It will find its place in your life and in that way, whilst you will always have the grief, it will be more comfortable, and you'll manage better.

I think I prefer this idea. You hear a knock at your door. You answer it. 

'Ah grief, you're back, old friend. Please do come in and sit with me for a while. Turns out it is one of those days for you to visit.'

In a while, you will walk grief to the door and thank her for coming, knowing that she will return another day.

'Thank you for coming, grief. I know you need to do this, and I won't shun you no matter how many times you need to visit. Take care. Goodbye for now.'

A sad day rolls over me. I accept it. This is the way it is for we humans. 

'

Do your job

 A lifetime ago I wrote about active and passive submission. Refer to October 21st, 2010 if you want to read it. I have forgotten how to hyperlink here, sorry.

As I look back on my history, I realize just how steadfastly ingrained it was that I wanted and expected the Dominant to be all-knowing, all wanting, all controlling.

I worked on this in the past year in an intensive way. I had some hypnotherapy around it, and I can't fault the efforts that were made for me to overcome this built in message. We practiced me being active. 'I want you to take me'. 

Yet, something was still holding me back. It honestly felt like wild horses couldn't convince me to be active in saying what I wanted.

Conjuring the construction of a scene. I thought, until oh so recently was the work of the Dominant. I was the submissive. It just wasn't my responsibility.

I wish I could construct the path that led me to see things differently. Certainly, I listened to many podcasts where the Dominant and submissive were playing a part - sometimes negotiating, and sometimes just talking through a scene; how they thought it might go.

I listened to a podcast recently where even the Aftercare was discussed, and it was determined that the submissive didn't want to be told it wasn't real. To the contrary, she wanted to be told that it was ALL real and she really was dirty and slutty and bad. Or words to that effect.

My. God. I just didn't know that this was all possible. 

You mean, you can ask for that??

I was doing nothing in particular this morning, though we had had a little mini-scene, and I felt light and content, when it occurred to me, as if I had invented this brand-new thing...I could write a scene. I could say how I wanted it to go. I could ask not to be too comforted in the aftercare, but rather that it be stated that it was all real, I really was a slavegirl at heart and I really did need to know my place.

How wondrous! How exciting! And, and it's a very big and, the thought didn't make me feel less submissive, it made me feel more submissive, more invested in the submission.

And the kicker is, it's likely to make him happy and safe that I have asked for exactly what I want, declaratively.

Will he still look out for me in a scene? Of course. Will he still note the reactions? I am sure he will. But he will be encouraged to think about the script. So, she looks uncomfortable, and her ass is no doubt smarting...well, she asked for it...

Let's be upfront here. This is not a new message. I have heard it before, many times. But, something clicked this week, a little more day by day.

I'm not sure this will make sense to the reader, but I think that what happened was that I was missing strength. It's a word that has come up in my personal writings a great deal. It was as if I embraced that I have to do this.

The words, 'Do your job' had come up in fantasies for months. I think that I had finally embraced the fact that this was my job, at least sometimes. 

This was simply my job.

Truth and love

 

"When I despair, I remember that the way of truth and love has always won. There may be tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it: always."

-- Gandi

Rethinking the Contract

 I have a question that rumbles around in my brain; held towards the back of my consciousness, but even so, consistently present. 

'How do I keep my husband in the game of a D/s dynamic?'

There is a simple fact that must be allowed for, and it is that his mind is both externally focused and also that it is extremely busy. He, for example, doesn't mean to interrupt me mid-sentence but it happens often, because when I start saying something he has a thought and that thought insists on being expressed immediately. It's just part of having ADHD and I know he means me no harm.

On that, improvement has been made. A few years back, if I mentioned that he had interrupted me, self-hatred had him projecting out his feelings on me. That's rare now. I can say, 'may I finish my sentence?' and he is quick to say, 'Yes, yes'.

The obvious answer to my above question is a Contract, an Agreement, and yet he hasn't felt he has the time, or the skill set, and frankly the inclination, to get this done. He thought he had given that task to someone we engaged to help us with that, but it never happened in a way he felt satisfied with. Thus, it remains on the extremely long 'to do' list.

Well, actually I did it myself to the best of my ability, but it truly is a two-person job, and that means we need to sit down and get it done together.

Another characteristic of ADHD is that those people with that particular type of brain find starting things and finishing things rather difficult. This is most especially the case, obviously enough, if they feel they don't have the skill set to do something.

So, I thought I would revisit this on my own and then reintroduce the Contract idea with the hope of some mutual agreement going forth.

If I were to be asked, 'what do you want most?' it wouldn't be where someone is controlling me. I don't want supervision to not smoke and the like. I have a strong sense of independence. I don't, for example, want someone saying, 'I want you to cook a meal for me.' What a waste of a statement. I have been doing that consistently for nearly 50 years. Looking after someone is my jam.

I initiate many things and advancements in our lives, especially once I realized that he secretly enjoyed me doing so. For years there was that push/pull that he wanted to control many things, didn't get them done, I initiated the thing, and that actually pleased him. Slowly, I realized I had more control to improve our lives than I had realized.

What I want is sexual satisfaction. I don't need to have this three times a week, but I do need to have it on some sort of a regular basis. I used to think it lost its meaning if I asked for this, and in some respects, I still do, since I enjoy being 'taken'.

However, I think it would be a game changer if I thought about this as a monthly thing; that is, in November, I would like to have at least one experience where I had a massive orgasm (he knows full well how to achieve this) and at least one experience where I felt the submission in a sexually charged way. This could be using the equipment he bought earlier in the year - the collar, the leash etc. Or it could be using rope to tie me for a Saturday afternoon. Whatever. I just want to know that every few weeks I can feel into that part of my personality.

So, if he agrees to give me that, and let's face it, only he can, since he would never agree to me having a play partner, what can I give him? Well, duh, whatever he wants. The problem is when I ask him what he wants he doesn't really have an answer. 

So, referencing the above strategy, I need to initiate something that he might like and that might get the ball rolling. A full body massage? For him to insert (in me) a butt plug, that size increasing over time? I have to think of something that would entice him to think of play as something that works in his favor, and that has a timeline. A month seems right to me; that's four weeks which gives lots of wiggle time but also demands that satisfaction takes place within the month, keeping everyone honest.

We did try a weekly spanking, but I didn't see that as really bringing us together in a way I had hoped. Sure, receiving a spanking is a submissive act, but pain in and of itself didn't really work for me. It didn't get into that bimbo part I wanted to dig down to; the usery and sluttiness.

When I did a meditation that was designed to heal my core feminine wound, I was asked to say (I think I have this right) 'I see you. I feel you. You are welcome here. I am sorry. Thank you'. Immediately, cindi, the bimbo slut came to mind. She deserves her time, you know? She's no small part of my psyche.