Dominant energy

 In one podcast I listen to relating to people in a D/s relationship, one couple found themselves living in different states for an extended period of time due to work commitments. She talked about strategies used to feel safe and loved. It's a few years ago now. I think she wears a night collar to tether her.

My husband and I did, at a few points in our lives together, live in different states, or even different countries, but that was a long time ago.

In the past year or even longer, we have lived almost in a twilight space. He has very long days, sometimes working in the house, but mostly he has left the house early and come home late.

We try hard to make that time late at night work to forge a connection. I start a meal, maybe go to yoga, come home and finish its preparation and then check in with him as to how far away he is.

Last night, we were eating the evening meal at 9.45 pm and I commented lightly that we were working our way towards a South American life where eating at that time was actually eating early.

He offered me a cup of tea after we ate, and we chatted about nothing all that particular whilst we drank the tea; then decided to finish watching a movie we had begun weeks ago, Fall Guy. It doesn't get much mindless than that and we had no mind left to think.

The expression of the dynamic between us right now doesn't have much of an overt show. I was told that I must wear one of the three pieces of jewellery that signify our agreement; one of two bracelets or a small necklace. It depends on the outfit. I had chosen the black and silver bracelet because it's safe to wear to yoga and won't clang or move too much.

If I were or were not in a power dynamic, I would make a well-balanced meal and one I know he would enjoy and suits his health issues. It gives me joy to present the meal to him and if he particularly enjoys it or if it is a new recipe, his compliments are generous.

I mostly clear the kitchen myself. He's dog tired these days after dinner and it's the least I can do.

He asked me, sitting on the couch, if there was something I would like him to do and I said, 'Would you like to rub my toes?' He said back, 'How about you rub my toes?'  I agreed and he lay himself down whilst I began to rub his feet and his toes.

He was very open about how much he was enjoying this and how long it had been since I had done something like this for him, and I registered it as the truth. He knows I adore to be touched and played with, and it is usually me getting that sort of attention from him. I made a mental note to be sure to attend to him in these ways much more regularly.

According to attachment style criteria I fall under the banner of an attunement attachment style. One develops as a child, if necessary, an attachment style to keep them safe. I struggle to ask to have my needs met, or at least I have over time. I think my needs are clear now. I state them with clarity now, but I don't always express them as calmly and respectfully as I should. Patience.

Attunement is not his survival attachment style. Yet, there are elements there. He struggles to tell me what he wants even though he tends to take what he feels he needs. If I were to answer the question, what does your husband need from you most, I would answer, 'plenty of time to himself'.

It won't change dramatically, but I think we might be heading down the path where we do have more time to create something more special together. Like one or two of the podcasts I listen to about couples who have created something quite sacred together, each new era in our lives is an opportunity for new creation. There is so much that is good about our union that I never give up on making the next body of time more special than the last one, no matter the obstacles.

The last thing I want is for our union to be akin to 'friends'. That is really taking a marriage straight to the bottom, at least for me. Well, that's one aspect. We are our best friends, for sure. I am his supporter, and he is mine. And we are very much in sync as parents and grandparents. 

Underlying everything is his masculine drive: to succeed, to protect, to set straight at times, and, more and more, to nurture. I do think he is beginning to see that I am a woman full of moving emotions, full of love, and he is starting to see what can be behind my upsets. 

For whatever reason, I am a little triggered when someone asks me where an item is. I think I try very hard to do the right thing by people and a missing item implies to me that I have misplaced the darn thing and inconvenienced them. I think that's the trigger.

I began to look for the thing. I just go into hyperdrive and it's far from the first time. He took me into a hug and said, 'It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You're a good girl.' 

Now, that's full marks for emotional intelligence, for meeting me in a low spot and bringing the vibration up.

I think this is a most dominant energy; to calm your girl; to be aware of what drives her and probably drives you both crazy. It's so much better than getting cross at her for not staying completely calm and undisturbed.

Women, women like me, want to feel safe in their bodies and being in a dominant energy, a dominant energy that says 'I've got you'; that's what we need.

I'll be entirely truthful here and say that I really would like something...firm. I'd like to feel his dominant presence with impact play such that he just pleased the hell out of himself. He's too tired to even think about it right now. This comes a close second.