For the past couple of days I have had a friend staying with me. She was diagnosed with bi-polar back in college days, but as I see it, her obsessive-compulsiveness is also a very distinctive part of her personality. Frankly, she's been talking my ear off, really quite manic at the moment, since she has messed up her medication and taken double strength of one drug and none of the other. Amongst this she has drunk her fair share of wine and I lost count of how many coffees she has had. I could feel my headache worsening by the second; my shoulders grow stiff. I could feel my whole psyche start to break down yesterday.
She just says whatever comes into her head. She just says the most inappropriate things. But, in amongst all that she has a wisdom and a clarity of thought that I have come to respect. She asks the most penetrating questions and makes the most lucid observations that I can find myself starting to psychologically fall apart, to feel fragile; as if someone noticed, through acute observational skills, that I've been in a pretty hard spot for quite a while now. It's disarming to realize that she can penetrate my 'armour'. Still, I'm too sensible to 'spill my guts'. Lord knows she has told me the most ghastly secrets of other people in the past few days. I had no idea people lived as they do!
'Your husband is volatile, isn't he?' she said as I drove her to lunch.
"Well...yes...he is."
"Ever physically volatile?" she wanted to know, the silence penetrating the two feet between us.
"No."
"It must have been difficult at times. He'd want his way..."
I wanted to be truthful without saying too much such that she'd have a bone to chew.
"He is strong willed. Sometimes I have just agreed with him, for simplicity sake, even if that meant we did things with which I didn't agree at all. I didn't feel there was a choice."
"But, that's a conditioned response," she shot back. "Would you allow him to walk you over a cliff, or into bankruptcy court?"
Once again, the conversation had gone down a burrow that wasn't safe or comfortable.
There is no way to get inside a marriage; no way to describe how two people operate that is going to be entirely satisfactory to someone else; no way to explain that empathy and blind faith has led the way for me, rightly or wrongly. I still believe I did what I could, when I could.
Yet, I took her point. I needed to be strong enough to voice my opinions. I needed to withstand whatever bluster was going to come my way when my opinion didn't suit him.
I so want to be led and follow along. I hate conflict. But, it is so important to have a voice, to express opinions, even when they are unwanted or in opposition to one's life mate. My friend is right about that. I am working on it...
She just says whatever comes into her head. She just says the most inappropriate things. But, in amongst all that she has a wisdom and a clarity of thought that I have come to respect. She asks the most penetrating questions and makes the most lucid observations that I can find myself starting to psychologically fall apart, to feel fragile; as if someone noticed, through acute observational skills, that I've been in a pretty hard spot for quite a while now. It's disarming to realize that she can penetrate my 'armour'. Still, I'm too sensible to 'spill my guts'. Lord knows she has told me the most ghastly secrets of other people in the past few days. I had no idea people lived as they do!
'Your husband is volatile, isn't he?' she said as I drove her to lunch.
"Well...yes...he is."
"Ever physically volatile?" she wanted to know, the silence penetrating the two feet between us.
"No."
"It must have been difficult at times. He'd want his way..."
I wanted to be truthful without saying too much such that she'd have a bone to chew.
"He is strong willed. Sometimes I have just agreed with him, for simplicity sake, even if that meant we did things with which I didn't agree at all. I didn't feel there was a choice."
"But, that's a conditioned response," she shot back. "Would you allow him to walk you over a cliff, or into bankruptcy court?"
Once again, the conversation had gone down a burrow that wasn't safe or comfortable.
There is no way to get inside a marriage; no way to describe how two people operate that is going to be entirely satisfactory to someone else; no way to explain that empathy and blind faith has led the way for me, rightly or wrongly. I still believe I did what I could, when I could.
Yet, I took her point. I needed to be strong enough to voice my opinions. I needed to withstand whatever bluster was going to come my way when my opinion didn't suit him.
I so want to be led and follow along. I hate conflict. But, it is so important to have a voice, to express opinions, even when they are unwanted or in opposition to one's life mate. My friend is right about that. I am working on it...
Seems to me there is a difference between survival and living. Your friend's examples are of survival - establishing boundaries beyond which you will not or dare not cross for fear of catastrophe. Living, on the other had, is about appreciating the beauty and diversity of existence, including your own uniqueness, and celebrating that. Don't forget that you are who you are for a reason - at the most basic level to ensure the ongoing diversity in the human gene pool - and that to try to be other that who you are is a disservice to yourself and to humanity.
ReplyDeleteBe strong in defence of your unique needs for living. They are that which makes you special.
Finding a voice is essential, dd has one main components respect from both partners to each other. This means the leader has the greater duty to listen and respect the views of who he/she leads. Only then will good decisions be taken. Blind following is never good for either party. That said pick your battles carefully, get your point across respectfully, screaming at each other rarely solves anything, unless of course you want a spanking!
ReplyDeleterollymo: So much of my mentoring has been about just that, accepting and appreciating myself for my own particular qualities. Thank you for similar encouragement to be true to myself.
ReplyDeleteanna: I think where my marriage could improve is that I am listened to with respect. Unfortunately, my husband has a bad temper at times which shuts down communication. I endeavor not to scream back, not to raise my voice at all, which means the temper tantrum dissipates but communication has failed leaving me feeling that I don't have a voice of my own. After all these years I am at a loss as to how to stop his temper getting out of control except to agree with him and not to raise any topics that could set him off. How do you get a grown man to discuss issues calmly if he chooses to explode?