This moment

Something happened back at the beginning of February. I knew within two seconds that circumstances had changed forever, but the brain often needs time to process and accept. I knew immediately, but I wasn't ready to confront the fact, to face it, or to do anything about it until now.

I limped along, sometimes pretending that it wasn't true, playing along really. I guess we were both playing along; either that or it was all planned out on his part. I'll never know. We'd say 'hello' and sometimes just that until enough silence had passed that one of us said 'bye'. Sometimes we'd ask how the other was and the other would say 'very good', which was a lie, of course, but we played this charade several times over anyway.

On occasion, we pretended to be somewhat casual, chatty 'friends'. For a few days we talked about a novel, a bizarre thing for us to do really because the conversation didn't go very far at all, even though it is his favourite novel of all time. Neither of us could get into it. There was always that huge elephant in the digital room taking up so much darn space.

On another occasion he spoke a little of his day and his worries, but again, it wasn't our thing to do that. He'd always been plain talking about the fact that I surely didn't want to know about his boring work day and he didn't want to know about mine either.

I'm not sure if, after knowing my mind intimately for six years or so, he would be able to tell you the names of all my children or even the details of any one particular day of mine in those six years, a single detail of a necklace I wore or the colour of any particular dress. We didn't talk like that. He didn't show any interest in any of that or encourage me to ask those sort of questions of him. He wouldn't have answered them if I did. That's a fact, because I did, for some time, make an effort to know him as an all encompassing human being but he wanted no part of it.

 I heard an author say recently that he is always looking for the moment when things change for a character. Having brought the character to life, he still can't know when it is going to happen, so he has to be vigilant about detecting it when it comes along. Meg Wolitzer, author of 'The Interestings' doesn't see it quite that way. In fact, she doesn't leave it to the reader to interpret when things change for an important character. She tells the reader. It's New Year's Eve in New York City and Ash's brother has been arrested for the rape of Cathy, a member of their friendship group. They are back in Ash's room after the police refused to allow them to see Goodman. Even though she is late teens Ash's room is full of stuffed animals from her childhood.

'He's not technically even an animal at all,' Ethan said. 'But go lie down with all of them and get some sleep. I'll take care of you.' The words were said lightly but with feeling; he was signing on, this was the moment it happened, and Jules saw it but didn't know it.'

Of course, the moment of revelation, alteration or transformation doesn't just 'happen' out of the blue every time. Sometimes, it is just that time has to play out or someone has to be ready to make the next all important move. I want to skip over that move. I'll just say that when it came it was a 'STOP' light. It was impossible to ignore it, to go around it or under it. I had to confront it. I had to say to the elephant that the room was too bloody crowded and why was he here in the first place?

I waited a couple of hours. When I'm agitated I'm deeply agitated and I needed to calm down. But, nor did I want to wait until my brain started to come up with excuses as to why I shouldn't act, why I should ignore such a great, big sign. So, after a few hours I constructed a 'goodbye' letter which simply had two sentiments, two main paragraphs. First, I noted that I had realized that things had changed. Secondly, I expressed my sincere thanks for all he had done for me; for an extra special relationship. I sent him my love, because I do care for him. Why else would I allow someone to boss me and alter me and punish me? Anyone else I would have told to get dog-knotted years ago.

Of course, he didn't want that to be the final segment of the story at all. He wanted what he wanted and he said so in our final chat. If my root chakra is blocked and doesn't get enough nurturing from the soil nor adequate sun to allow it to grow healthily, then his has grown robustly like an out-of-control vine, bless him. He wanted satiation, he said, and although he was in fact, at that moment, no longer my mentor, and that was already made clear a few sentences earlier, he was happy to boss me.

Dominant men believe that they know best. They become God-like beings who see clearly what a woman must do. I understand this. I understand the sentiment and I understand that the sentiment comes from the heart. If only the blasted woman would listen and obey the instruction she'd be so much happier, they think. It's a noble thought, a generous thought and possibly even accurate. But, who is to say what is 'accurate'? Who is to say what is best, really?

Here's the thing about me. I've been a bit of a coward about life. I've not truly believed in my own talents. My flaws and weaknesses, I have embraced, but I have never really believed in myself. At the age of 58 it is time that I did. It is time that I planted my two feet firmly on this Earth and said 'I am grounded, stable and standing on my own two feet'. Even more than that, 'I stand for my values, my truth and justice.' I may have been a sheep, contained in a pen, and, honestly, that worked for me, but to be corralled down the narrow wooden walkway to a destiny devised by someone else when I remain completely confused about which is the right path for me, is something that I cannot do. I cannot do what I cannot do. No. matter. what.

Nor am I going to go quietly into that good night. I don't deny that I still 'leak'; that I can be fine one minute and find that tears have escaped down my cheeks the next, but I will make my final years happy, productive and loving. I'll have adventures, do things I have never done before. I will be more than all right. I will thrive. I promise.

Here's another thing. Who I am today is made up of my experiences, none more important than the mentoring that took place over those six years. I remain aroused by SM activities and thoughts. I shall continue to be aroused by them every day into the future as well, because that's the erotic side of my brain that I can't switch off. It's a lifetime battery.

Two days ago my husband blew up at me. It had nothing to do with me really but was merely a moment of frustration with someone else. But, it upsets me and I sent him an email later in the day asking him to please try not to do that, that it leaves me upset all day. He wrote back and said he was very sorry and when he returned home it was with a beautiful bunch of  Asian lilies. I cried on his shoulder. It had been such an emotional few days.

He worked that evening well into the morning and feeling rather shattered by all that had gone down I wondered what I could possibly do to aid myself to sleep. For the first time in my adult life I remembered Teddy, my youngest son's bear that now sits on my bedroom chair. I gathered Teddy and fell asleep clutching him. I hadn't meant for my husband to see it, forgot it was there, and later he said to me, 'I see you had Teddy in bed last night.' 'Yes,' I said softly, because I was embarrassed and because I didn't want to explain all my distress.

This morning my husband had to leave the house early but he took me in his arms whilst still in bed and he said to me, 'I am sorry I have been a bad Owner.' I didn't say anything. I just hugged him back.

There's no poignant, clever thing to say about the future. I can only speak of this moment, right now, and right now, I'm standing on my own two feet, hopeful; always hopeful.