We might live for a hundred years and over a lifetime fill books with our exploits, achievements and adventures, but we can reduce our essence, the 'spine' of us down to a few words. You're not likely to be able to say what the spine of you is immediately but it is worthy of thought. What scratch can't you itch? Who are you at your very core?
I've given the issue much thought, especially over the past few days. It's crucial to a life well lived and critical to story telling. Behind all the actions and behaviors of a character or a person is a strong theme. Your task is to identify it; recognize it, take the wheel and steer it.
At my core I wish to serve a strong male person who recognizes me for who I am - a woman who thrives with sexual and physical use; who wants to please, who finds joy in making another person's life fulfilled. At my core, I'm a fucktoy. There is just no other explanation. I interpret that use as care and consideration of my needs.
I'm not really competitive about my place in the world. In another era I would have thrived under the tight control of a man with little need for finding my own area of expertise in the world. In this era, I achieve what I can, recognizing that I'm not political or commercial really but acknowledging the societal expectation is there that I use my intellect.
In the periods of time when I am used regularly and able to wallow in the fucktoy mindset, I am deeply happy. There is no other way to achieve that kind of peace or sense of happiness for me because in those time periods I feel deeply loved, in tune with my self and full of a sense of peace with my place in the world.
In periods of time when use is scarce, no amount of achievement, socializing or involvement in society can take the place of the fucktoy mindset. I try to find compensations elsewhere but I am wanting; uncertain; there's an itch I can't scratch.
I was once asked as a young woman what would I choose if I could have a high flying career or a family and I didn't hesitate a moment before I answered that I would choose having a family. I wanted that with every core of my being.
To serve; to belong to someone; to love and to be loved - to feel an intense and deep connection with a strong and dominant male; that's my spine. This is the very core of me, what I do, what I think and who I am. This will never, has never and can never change.
I've given the issue much thought, especially over the past few days. It's crucial to a life well lived and critical to story telling. Behind all the actions and behaviors of a character or a person is a strong theme. Your task is to identify it; recognize it, take the wheel and steer it.
At my core I wish to serve a strong male person who recognizes me for who I am - a woman who thrives with sexual and physical use; who wants to please, who finds joy in making another person's life fulfilled. At my core, I'm a fucktoy. There is just no other explanation. I interpret that use as care and consideration of my needs.
I'm not really competitive about my place in the world. In another era I would have thrived under the tight control of a man with little need for finding my own area of expertise in the world. In this era, I achieve what I can, recognizing that I'm not political or commercial really but acknowledging the societal expectation is there that I use my intellect.
In the periods of time when I am used regularly and able to wallow in the fucktoy mindset, I am deeply happy. There is no other way to achieve that kind of peace or sense of happiness for me because in those time periods I feel deeply loved, in tune with my self and full of a sense of peace with my place in the world.
In periods of time when use is scarce, no amount of achievement, socializing or involvement in society can take the place of the fucktoy mindset. I try to find compensations elsewhere but I am wanting; uncertain; there's an itch I can't scratch.
I was once asked as a young woman what would I choose if I could have a high flying career or a family and I didn't hesitate a moment before I answered that I would choose having a family. I wanted that with every core of my being.
To serve; to belong to someone; to love and to be loved - to feel an intense and deep connection with a strong and dominant male; that's my spine. This is the very core of me, what I do, what I think and who I am. This will never, has never and can never change.
Beautiful. I actually envy you on being so clear in your mind even as a very young person. Your "submissive response" is clearly making you happy.
ReplyDeleteTo know who you are, to express that, to receive fulfillment in that way, is the greatest achievement.
ReplyDeleteSusan
Very well put. You have remarkable insight. I'm sure most folks stumble through life not really knowing who they are and what makes them tick. My father is one who comes to mind.
ReplyDeleteI haven't reached your level of clarity but I think I know what brings me most pleasure. I have a passion to inspire, teach, develop and protect those in my care. I enjoy being creative, taking up new challenges and looking beyond the obvious. Seeing someone blossom and knowing I had a hand in that is a truly fulfilling moment. Perhaps I should have been a teacher, but I lack the diplomacy and patience to work within the constraints of the modern educational system and to stick to the curriculum.
I was asked recently by my daughter what sort of animal I would be, if I were one. Bit of a Golden Compass theme going on there, no doubt. It would have to be a creature that lives in family groups as family is at the core of my being. It would need to be something that is predatory as I am not the type to live off the scraps of others. It would need to be a creature that teaches its young and has social structure. It would have to be a creature that roams over vast territories as I am an explorer by heart. And it would need to be something that has a deep connection with the night sky, as there is nothing more beautiful and awe inspiring to gaze upon.
Wow I really do need to get a dog.
Rollymo: I think parenting and teaching often go hand in hand. I trained as a high school teacher and I've taught the children at times, when they have wanted that. I got a lot out of taking my youngest son through a novel earlier in the year; a novel he was not appreciating until we had several long chats. I loved that he got into it and did well with it. It's an interesting question about what animal one would like to be. I'd have to pick a dog as well but probably one more inclined to the 'Princess' model than one that fended for itself! LOL
ReplyDeleteDavid F: I think I knew who I was at an early age in that I knew what I loved and what made me happy. I know when I didn't have that I felt much less satisfied; that I was missing something in my life. But, it took much longer to be comfortable knowing this about myself. That took rather a lot of intense work.
ReplyDeleteSusan: I have expressed and felt fulfillment from knowing who I am and what deeply matters to me. It's at the core of me; something that I can't change. The opportunity to express my true self is not always available to me. Learning to accept that I can't necessarily express myself as I crave is something I continue to work on.