The 'bimbo' Part

 I've been doing some free guided meditations on Insight Timer where Dick Schwartz takes the listener on some experiences connecting in with their Parts. In one meditation we were taken on a walk and encouraged to just go alone if possible, to leave our Parts at the beginning of the trail. If you are watching yourself rather than being on the trail aware of your surroundings, then a Part has come along, so he encouraged us to ask the Part to go back and wait at the entrance of the Trail.

It didn't take me more than a few minutes, even less, to realize that when I am out in nature, or even in the city but have walked long enough in a state of peace, I am alone with my Self. No Parts are with me. How do I know? There isn't any meaningful chatter in my head. I'm not devising To Do lists. I am not immersed in memory or the future. I am in the Now, aware of the trees, the twittering of birds. I am in my body, settled, secure; needing nothing. 

In the best of times, I am completely at peace. When I was in Peru on the trail, or in Telluride walking up to Bear Falls, I experienced this profoundly. It is said that when a meditator experiences pure Awareness, all they want to do is to experience it again. Yes, I have experienced Awareness in meditation, but moreso in Yoga or on trails, or walking through the coastal town I visit, stopping to stare at the ocean at certain vantage points. 

I have also experienced a complete sense of harmony, peace and tranquillity in the 'bimbo' state. Look at the c's of Selfhood - curiosity, creativity, confidence, connection,  compassion, courage, calmness, clarity. All of these qualities have been available to me in the bimbo state.

I wrote myself a diary note this morning. I wrote this:

"I think 'bimbo' is a hurt Part. She felt it was dangerous, could easily be hurt, had been hurt - so she/it became an exile - even though I now see she is a part of the Self - creative, connected, courageous, confident.

She felt rejected, more than once , and retreated - first with a soul destroying sense of loneliness and abandonment...and then the Protector took over - don't let this ever happen to you again.

And yet, 'bimbo' was a Part of feeling confident, a sense of Awareness, happiness, embodied, in the body. And, connected. When the lack of connection happened, she lost trust."

I have tended to think of attachment injuries as those that happen to young children. But, this Part of me suffered an attachment injury and became an exile... carried the beliefs and thoughts that stuck to me, as Dick Schwartz would say, "like a virus". The Protector part was able to convince 'bimbo' that she wasn't a good thing; that she needed to stay small, safe; invisible. 

It's tricky still, in my mind, because bimbo, that sexual part of me that wants to submit and experience that type of Awareness, or maybe I should say sexual Selfhood, is reliant on the Selfhood of a partner. It actually takes two people operating from the Self, the Higher Self, for this to work.

This is a tall order and yet it feels hopeful today. I was definitely onto something.

Narcissism and the dream space

'The word 'narcissist' within contemporary culture has come to mean something negative. Certainly, Freud equated narcissism to immaturity. But, there have been other almost equally revered minds who didn't agree with Freud. Kohut, for example, saw narcissism as a vital component to well being. He felt this because rather than seeing sex and aggression as central to the human experience like Freud, he saw our need to develop a solid sense of self as being what mattered most.

Dr Craig Malkin who has written the excellent book Rethinking Narcissism The Bad - and Surprisingly Good - About Feeling Special, writes this:

"It [narcissism] allows us to disappear into ourselves, like Narcissus diving into the pool, but instead of drowning, and becoming lost forever, we discover another world, richly populated with shimmering versions of everyone we love...If we are healthy enough, we can reemerge and rejoin the ordinary world, bringing our bounty, such as empathy and inspiration, with us."

Kohut's version of a narcissist, explains Malkin, is "at his best, an adventurer, slipping in and out of intoxicating dreams of greatness."

On reading this material my mind went immediately to the experiences that I have had as the 'doll'. In the best of times, it is a gorgeous dream space where only good things can happen. There is a very loving and tender element to the doll persona. When in that mindset, a lack of mind, nothing feels more authentic than to be exactly and entirely what many men want.

My doll space has no resistance. Nothing is too much trouble and anything that a man may want is entirely desirable to the doll as well. It's easy, of course, to lose yourself in pleasure but the doll mindset also enables acceptance of pain, of doing what you would prefer not to do; of being entirely pleasing. More than that, the doll space doesn't require what the human mind demands. As humans we expect respect from our partners, good manners and empathy for our feelings and state of mind. In the doll space, these factors aren't relevant. There is no brain matter involved. It's all body. So, expecting a level of respect or person hood is quite irrelevant to the play.

In my discussions with Abel I learned years ago that it is entirely possible to play out a strict and extreme reformatory or rape scene with a girl and to find oneself down at the pub an hour later sharing an ale and some beef pie. No girl is allowed to take part in such a scene without an examination of her reasons for wanting to participate in such a scene. It's understood that this can be scary play with the potential for emotional discomfort both during the scene and later, so it's vital that the reasons for the play are established. After the scene, aftercare takes place, bringing the girl back to the real world such that the affection or care for the girl is secure in her mind. She returns to the real world safe.

I think that in terms of play between loving partners it is a very similar situation for the doll and her Owner. Her humanity, and his, may have had nothing to do with the scene, but once the scene is over the participants emerge from that dream state and comforting activities ensue. Perhaps they have sex, a nap, or one cooks the other a meal. As the feel-good hormones flood the body, each person is there for the other. The respect that was no part of the scene is now in abundance. It's all very, very good. I know this because of my own experiences with my husband. He was very strict and sadistic with the doll in Kyoto but then there was loving, and then there was an afternoon together wherein we both walked on air. Happiness and feel good emotions flooded our body. We couldn't even think, and I really do mean that. It was ecstasy.

Internet play can be, is, very different to that scenario. For one thing, it might be interrupted mid way through. Or, perhaps the play is set up whereby there is no personhood allowed at all. Only bimbo/the doll is allowed. Each and every interaction is one where the person must abandon her personhood and melt into that doll-like state.

I'm very fortunate to have an old friend who understands pretty much all things BDSM and I go to him when I need help. He generously listens to me and helps me see where my issue might lie.

me: 'I think the thing that is upsetting me is that I feel so disrespected. I can never be simply the woman that I am; a doll, yes, but also a person with the same needs and vulnerabilities as any other person.

him: 'As the doll you are an object and objects don't deserve or need to be respected. It's okay to never say no in a particular construct, but you deserve to come out of that construct sometimes.'

Even as I sit here and write these words I continue to yearn for doll play. I really do adore it, crave it; thrive on it. However, the fact remains that over time my discomfort with the incredibly strict and prescribed rules began to turn into something else; overwhelming discomfort. I, very simply, needed to know that the play was appreciated; that my efforts were acknowledged; that I was cared for and that, when I expressed some worries about my reactions, that I would be heard and the necessary adjustments made.

 I did not, and certainly nor did 'the doll' need to set new rules. But, based on the reactions I was having, akin to the discomfort of a spouse displaying bad manners and a lack of empathy for the other, I needed for the other to acknowledge my concerns, at the very least. Simply, I needed to feel that I was heard. I needed for the narcissistic dream space to be abandoned long enough such that the Other said something like, 'I very much appreciate the play. I acknowledge that it isn't necessarily easy for you all of the time, and I want you to know that I do consider you as a person and as a person you have the right to feel comfortable within your skin. The rules remain, but I will keep your comments in mind.' Something like that.

If you want to play only in a dream space in a very strict, uncompromising way perhaps it is best to choose play partners with youth on their side; those girls who perhaps can enter into the experience with a lighter touch than someone like me. Feeling disrespected is a deal breaker, for those of us who have experienced more slings and arrows. Whoever you play with, have something in place to ensure one another of the other's emotional well-being. This space has the potential for intense emotional sado-masochistic experiences that can creep up on your psyche.