I first came to know of Ram Dass when I saw him in a UTube clip in discussion with Eckhart Tolle, perhaps a year ago now. In 1997 Ram Dass suffered a stroke and in the clip I watched his speech was quite labored, slow and deliberate. So, I found it remarkable that the presentation was having such a profound effect on me. I immediately felt that I was watching someone with huge presence.
Perhaps seeing how Ram Dass has suffered - confined to a wheelchair and with difficulty finding the right words and speaking them - made the words he did manage to speak very relateable to me. Here was a spiritual person in action, facing the limitations of his life but still finding great joy and meaning in his life; unstoppable. It's the resilience that I respect in the face of whatever life throws at him. Since that day I look out for Ram Dass's words and I never fail to get something very positive from them. I saved the following words:
Perhaps seeing how Ram Dass has suffered - confined to a wheelchair and with difficulty finding the right words and speaking them - made the words he did manage to speak very relateable to me. Here was a spiritual person in action, facing the limitations of his life but still finding great joy and meaning in his life; unstoppable. It's the resilience that I respect in the face of whatever life throws at him. Since that day I look out for Ram Dass's words and I never fail to get something very positive from them. I saved the following words:
"I think in relationships, you create an environment with your own
work on yourself, which you offer to another human being to use to grow
in the way they need to grow. Parents are environments for their
children, lovers are an environment for their partners.
You keep working – you become the soil – moist and soft and receptive so the person can grow the way they need to grow, because how do you know how they should grow."
I suspect that for some people of a dominant frame of mind, those who want to be responsible for and to control another person in a power dynamic relationship, there is an innate sense that they are creating the environment for their partner. It's not quite what Ram Dass had in mind, but a dominant is, in the best scenarios, creating an environment for (positive) change and/or growth.
Possibly force or strict demands are in place, and the dominant person would argue that this is entirely necessary and viable since they want the other person to change and grow in ways that please him or her, and/or in ways that would be best for the submissive and the relationship as a whole.
Is this the way this particular person should grow, was meant to grow? No-one can really answer this question, except, maybe, to say that the person is happier now under the dominant's tutelage; getting happier and more content all the time. It's hard to argue with happiness. But, let's try.
I think it is fair to say that we are all on our own particular and unique journeys through life. I like to say (to myself) that we are all walking each other home because as I get older and have been on this planet for longer, that is exactly how it feels to me. Some of us evolve towards an inner wisdom and calm within ourselves, perhaps an innate understanding of the whole process of life and death, and some of us do not go close to thinking about it much at all. Some of us are 'go go go' and some of us are introspective types. We are where we are at any place in time. It is as it is. We learn when we learn, or we don't learn much at all in this particular life. Or, maybe we are not all meant to learn much. Who knows for sure?
For many years I had a hard time with feeling that I was 'right' about something and yet I struggled to influence 'the other'. This is a tough place in marriage because a very bad decision effects both people, and the family. I don't so much blame this situation on a power dynamic dilemma as on my own limitations to have a voice and to assert my boundaries. I have such a strong desire to hand over decision making to the other that I reneged on my responsibility to say forcefully enough, when I vehemently disagreed with a decision, that I could not offer my support. This is a huge mistake and one that I won't make again. I have learned to speak my truth when necessary.
Having said that, I am the person I am, and I am in a power dynamic relationship of sorts. If push comes to shove I know I must withold my support when I absolutely disagree. Other than that, I have not found it helpful to insist, or even to expect, change or growth. For a time people will change a bit for you, if they must, but their strongest tendency is to return to their default position, to be their natural selves as they have evolved so far in time. The only person you can really change in a permanent sort of way is yourself.
This is not to say that there are no other tactics at your disposal because to change yourself is to create an environment for growth in the other. This is what Ram Dass is eluding to. When you create an environment where you grow, where you are receptive and open to the other's individuality, the other grows too. This is what I focus on.
To talk in generalities isn't helpful so I'll get specific. Over several weeks I've felt quite isolated. My husband is immersed in a project and is working particularly long hours, highly highly focused on it. This focus is 7 days a week, day and night. For a while I'm supportive and understanding but quietly, silently, over time, I become dejected. I need contact. When he doesn't provide it, I tend to isolate myself from him both emotionally and physically, as if to convince myself that it is less painful to go my own way. It isn't less painful at all and inside my own head I can feel myself breaking down, trying hard to find the patience and tolerance for his hyperfocus, but eventually and inevitably unable to be a superhuman who is not troubled or effected by this behaviour of a spouse.
My mind tends to flirt with the worst scenarios. I imagine that he might become very ill through this overwork. I try to imagine my life without him. I can even imagine in moments that I would be in a better place on my own, not having to have these particularly painful thoughts and experiences of abandonment, or what feels like emotional abandonment to me.
Knowing that I cannot do anything to change his behaviour, certainly not permanently (see above) I began to meditate daily and to get closely in touch with my headspace. I acknowledged not just the difficult emotions that come with a sense of abandonment but I also investigated, through quiet, close observation of my thoughts and bodily reactions, where the thoughts came from. They came through fear.
I fear that things that have happened will happen again. I fear that there will be no growth, no change. I fear that we are stuck in 'park'. I fear that his behaviour is in a set pattern; rigid and dull. I fear that he simply does not know how to live life differently. I fear that, refusing to acknowledge or address his ADD symptoms, we simply can't advance to a more joyful and balanced state together.
Co-incidentally, my husband ruffed me up a bit on the couch two nights ago. He has this way of discombobulating me in the nicest of ways; reminding me that I am loved and belong, that I am safe. He told me a little of his plans, what he has in train, and whilst I can't be the eternal optimist that he is able to be; the resilient never-say-die guy that he is; I felt momentarily better just knowing that he is that guy and he's my guy and it will all be all right in the end, one way or the other.
Maybe, through the meditation and the calmness I achieved there, as well as an understanding of that fear that sits in my bones, I created the environment for him to approach me the way he did. And, maybe, by him approaching me the way he did, I was able to reach out to him in the middle of the night and embrace him, taking the chance that I'd wake him when he was dog tired. He told me on the phone just now not to worry about waking him, just to get the love I need when I need it.
These are small, but significant changes. The best I feel I can do is to create an environment for him to grow as he was meant to grow; not to grow as I would want him to grow for me, but to grow as he was meant to grow; to be his best self. I'm not in control here. Nor is he in control of how I was meant to grow. All he can do is create an environment to the best of his ability and focus where I can be as I was meant to be.
He most likely won't achieve perfection in my eyes and nor will I achieve perfection in his eyes. But, in respecting our uniqueness we are creating a space of belonging to one another at the same time as we walk our own paths through life and learn as we learn. There is a mismatch, there is no denying this. I continue to find ways to look at the mismatch and to work with and respect our different ways of operating in the world. I'm never going to stop wanting affection and tenderness in a regular sort of way and he is never going to stop needing a lot of his energy to be focused on his business life.
In many ways it is not unlike parenthood. A child is born and we experience its personality and traits. We, as parents of that child have a duty to honour that particular child; to appreciate the child as a unique being and to provide an environment for the child to grow as he or she was meant to grow. We steer the child this way or that, but if we are wise, we study the strengths and remind the child of those strengths at the same time as we quietly work with the weaknesses. We respect that the child has his or her own path to walk, not the path that we think is best. We accept the package at the same time as we provide a safe and nourishing place of shelter where the child may flourish with integrity.
I'd like to think that there are plenty of people out there who consider Ram Dass's thoughts before they take on the responsibility of a submissive, or a child. If the Dominant can't work on himself, or herself, to create an environment where their submissive can grow as she or he should, then what is created within the bond may have a false value.
You keep working – you become the soil – moist and soft and receptive so the person can grow the way they need to grow, because how do you know how they should grow."
I suspect that for some people of a dominant frame of mind, those who want to be responsible for and to control another person in a power dynamic relationship, there is an innate sense that they are creating the environment for their partner. It's not quite what Ram Dass had in mind, but a dominant is, in the best scenarios, creating an environment for (positive) change and/or growth.
Possibly force or strict demands are in place, and the dominant person would argue that this is entirely necessary and viable since they want the other person to change and grow in ways that please him or her, and/or in ways that would be best for the submissive and the relationship as a whole.
Is this the way this particular person should grow, was meant to grow? No-one can really answer this question, except, maybe, to say that the person is happier now under the dominant's tutelage; getting happier and more content all the time. It's hard to argue with happiness. But, let's try.
I think it is fair to say that we are all on our own particular and unique journeys through life. I like to say (to myself) that we are all walking each other home because as I get older and have been on this planet for longer, that is exactly how it feels to me. Some of us evolve towards an inner wisdom and calm within ourselves, perhaps an innate understanding of the whole process of life and death, and some of us do not go close to thinking about it much at all. Some of us are 'go go go' and some of us are introspective types. We are where we are at any place in time. It is as it is. We learn when we learn, or we don't learn much at all in this particular life. Or, maybe we are not all meant to learn much. Who knows for sure?
For many years I had a hard time with feeling that I was 'right' about something and yet I struggled to influence 'the other'. This is a tough place in marriage because a very bad decision effects both people, and the family. I don't so much blame this situation on a power dynamic dilemma as on my own limitations to have a voice and to assert my boundaries. I have such a strong desire to hand over decision making to the other that I reneged on my responsibility to say forcefully enough, when I vehemently disagreed with a decision, that I could not offer my support. This is a huge mistake and one that I won't make again. I have learned to speak my truth when necessary.
Having said that, I am the person I am, and I am in a power dynamic relationship of sorts. If push comes to shove I know I must withold my support when I absolutely disagree. Other than that, I have not found it helpful to insist, or even to expect, change or growth. For a time people will change a bit for you, if they must, but their strongest tendency is to return to their default position, to be their natural selves as they have evolved so far in time. The only person you can really change in a permanent sort of way is yourself.
This is not to say that there are no other tactics at your disposal because to change yourself is to create an environment for growth in the other. This is what Ram Dass is eluding to. When you create an environment where you grow, where you are receptive and open to the other's individuality, the other grows too. This is what I focus on.
To talk in generalities isn't helpful so I'll get specific. Over several weeks I've felt quite isolated. My husband is immersed in a project and is working particularly long hours, highly highly focused on it. This focus is 7 days a week, day and night. For a while I'm supportive and understanding but quietly, silently, over time, I become dejected. I need contact. When he doesn't provide it, I tend to isolate myself from him both emotionally and physically, as if to convince myself that it is less painful to go my own way. It isn't less painful at all and inside my own head I can feel myself breaking down, trying hard to find the patience and tolerance for his hyperfocus, but eventually and inevitably unable to be a superhuman who is not troubled or effected by this behaviour of a spouse.
My mind tends to flirt with the worst scenarios. I imagine that he might become very ill through this overwork. I try to imagine my life without him. I can even imagine in moments that I would be in a better place on my own, not having to have these particularly painful thoughts and experiences of abandonment, or what feels like emotional abandonment to me.
Knowing that I cannot do anything to change his behaviour, certainly not permanently (see above) I began to meditate daily and to get closely in touch with my headspace. I acknowledged not just the difficult emotions that come with a sense of abandonment but I also investigated, through quiet, close observation of my thoughts and bodily reactions, where the thoughts came from. They came through fear.
I fear that things that have happened will happen again. I fear that there will be no growth, no change. I fear that we are stuck in 'park'. I fear that his behaviour is in a set pattern; rigid and dull. I fear that he simply does not know how to live life differently. I fear that, refusing to acknowledge or address his ADD symptoms, we simply can't advance to a more joyful and balanced state together.
Co-incidentally, my husband ruffed me up a bit on the couch two nights ago. He has this way of discombobulating me in the nicest of ways; reminding me that I am loved and belong, that I am safe. He told me a little of his plans, what he has in train, and whilst I can't be the eternal optimist that he is able to be; the resilient never-say-die guy that he is; I felt momentarily better just knowing that he is that guy and he's my guy and it will all be all right in the end, one way or the other.
Maybe, through the meditation and the calmness I achieved there, as well as an understanding of that fear that sits in my bones, I created the environment for him to approach me the way he did. And, maybe, by him approaching me the way he did, I was able to reach out to him in the middle of the night and embrace him, taking the chance that I'd wake him when he was dog tired. He told me on the phone just now not to worry about waking him, just to get the love I need when I need it.
These are small, but significant changes. The best I feel I can do is to create an environment for him to grow as he was meant to grow; not to grow as I would want him to grow for me, but to grow as he was meant to grow; to be his best self. I'm not in control here. Nor is he in control of how I was meant to grow. All he can do is create an environment to the best of his ability and focus where I can be as I was meant to be.
He most likely won't achieve perfection in my eyes and nor will I achieve perfection in his eyes. But, in respecting our uniqueness we are creating a space of belonging to one another at the same time as we walk our own paths through life and learn as we learn. There is a mismatch, there is no denying this. I continue to find ways to look at the mismatch and to work with and respect our different ways of operating in the world. I'm never going to stop wanting affection and tenderness in a regular sort of way and he is never going to stop needing a lot of his energy to be focused on his business life.
In many ways it is not unlike parenthood. A child is born and we experience its personality and traits. We, as parents of that child have a duty to honour that particular child; to appreciate the child as a unique being and to provide an environment for the child to grow as he or she was meant to grow. We steer the child this way or that, but if we are wise, we study the strengths and remind the child of those strengths at the same time as we quietly work with the weaknesses. We respect that the child has his or her own path to walk, not the path that we think is best. We accept the package at the same time as we provide a safe and nourishing place of shelter where the child may flourish with integrity.
I'd like to think that there are plenty of people out there who consider Ram Dass's thoughts before they take on the responsibility of a submissive, or a child. If the Dominant can't work on himself, or herself, to create an environment where their submissive can grow as she or he should, then what is created within the bond may have a false value.
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