It is what it is

Back in the early 80s I felt moved to buy a book simply entitled 'Emotions'. I haven't spotted it for many years but I think it is still on a book shelf somewhere. Thinking back, I must have been trying to understand my emotional states from a young age.

I do remember in that era feeling my emotions very intensely - love, anger, frustration, happiness. I remember one lunchtime standing at a pedestrian crossing and looking up the hill of Collins Street and feeling a burst of light-headed happiness at simply being alive in that moment, in that spot, on Earth. There was no particular reason for the onset of that emotion. It simply came over me.

I also remember, in that same era, being very disappointed one day by someone's behaviour. I remember going outside in my little garden and sitting on a chair and not moving at all for an hour; just trying, by way of complete stillness, to overcome my deep feelings of discombobulation and despair.

I have made a study of these emotional states, mainly because I aim not to feel life so intensely. I am not trying to mitigate the positive emotions; the swell in my chest when the sun finally made an appearance this morning after weeks of grey sky and rain, or the delight I experienced when on my walk yesterday I came upon a group of young children making a film.

However, I really could do without the derailing emotional moments when I might feel, that if only some people could behave a little more like I wished they would behave, life would be so much better. I hope you smiled when you read that last sentence because I do understand how silly that sounds. But, it would, wouldn't it, be so lovely if people didn't disappoint us?! I've struggled with this so, of wishing for change that isn't likely to come.

I did a meditation with a group last night and in the group was a young man I know who has a touch of Aspbergers. I am not sure if this is typical of the condition but he was saying that he came in for a session with a healer type of person when he realized that the mayhem he had caused in a group of friends didn't trouble him. He realized that the fact that he wasn't troubled by what he had done, didn't feel guilty, wasn't right, and so he chose to do something about it. I think that is quite an evolved state. So many other people would choose denial, or defence, against their behaviour.

It's frustrating to me to feel that sometimes I am speaking another language; that my choice of words are not really going to make a difference to the outcome. I'm just not going to get through to some people. I struggle with the fact that they are not going to change. At all.

Years ago, going through a dilemma, I remember saying, 'Just tell me when it will end. If you can give me a finishing date then I can work towards that.' I meant that I wanted an idea as to how long I needed to hold on. The thought of being in turmoil endlessly was too much, so just tell me how long I need to be brave, and then I can measure it, control it, contain it; make do.

As time has gone by I have come to realize that some things don't actually change because it doesn't occur to people that they need to change. 'Oh, that's Mary' someone will say. Or, 'Jack is always late'. Or, 'Sally always put herself first'. Or, 'Meg would do anything for you. She's always been like that.' If you wait for someone to change to suit your specifications, you'll be waiting a long time.

I sat and contemplated my frustration for a time yesterday. I could feel the frustration sitting in my chest; bubbles of upset that refused to scatter. It became apparent over the day that being still wouldn't help me so I called the dog and off we went for a long walk. It's my own expectations and hope for change that causes me such grief. It's a sense of 'acceptance' that brings me peace; acknowledging the constancy of behaviours.

I understand that communication is considered the key to people coming to a mutually acceptable outcome, but what if only one person requires change; if the only mutually acceptable outcome is that there is no change. Isn't it then official that one person is left to sit terminally with their dissatisfaction? Does the offical status make it better?

Looking for answers, I read that when frustrated it is a sign that the way you are doing something doesn't work, and that this tells you that you need to make a change in the way you are going about it. This makes sense but it doesn't speak to the notion that to expect some people to change is to bang one's head against a brick wall, no matter which strategy you use. They have to want to change themselves, not you wanting them to change. What are the chances?

So, I think the change has to come from within. Accept that some things and some people don't change. Minimize the damage to your mind. It is what it is. That feels so much better.