Character building

Imagine for a moment a family which struggles. Let's put some details around that. Imagine a man looking to gain some autonomy, a man that was raised on a farm by a father that went to war; a father damaged psychologically and unfit to raise the boy. Survival of the spirit demands that the man leave the family farm and make it on his own.

The man has good intentions. He wants to succeed and he is willing to work very hard to make that happen.  There is no issue with perseverance here. He's a hard working man. The farm may require the clearing of much of the land, but he'll do it a tree at a time if necessary. He will get up early and come in late if that is what he needs to do.

He wants to do right by his children. His birth family demanded that he be responsible from a young age and he has taken on that hard work ethic message. There is a great deal of anxiousness around his responsibilities and he exhibits this with flare ups and angry words. Success is a standard that must be met, not just by him but also by his offspring. It's natural to him to expect the children to focus on work, on achievement, on grades, on the higher education he never had, but wanted.

In this environment, those children with a relatively easy scholastic aptitude and an inbuilt sense of their place in the world, most likely the first born child, will fare all right. There are issues, because that hard work ethic is likely to plague the first born child's life also, but the scholastic aptitude and the attention given to the first born are assets.

If, in the mix of the family, there is a child that has a difficulty, maybe a reading difficulty or a more soft and anxious disposition, there are likely to be considerable issues. Since academic success is the measure of a child in this family, a sense of Self will be damaged and a need to prove one's worth will be high on the agenda.

Such a child is likely to try very hard to attain academic success, or any success, in the eyes of the father. A sporting achievement might be useful here, or simply hard work; taking on responsibilities beyond the age of the child.

Imagine in this family, there is illness that falls upon the family. The empathic member of the unit, the mother becomes chronically ill, terminally ill. Imagine that she is encouraged to travel the world in what might be her last year(s) of life, leaving behind children away at school but also children at home, at the local school. 

Imagine this young and vulnerable child, academically challenged, not at all failing but struggling to get those super duper scores to impress the father, now asked to take on much more responsibility than a child of his tender years should be asked to do, without the softness of his mother to offer him the succor and support he so needs. To survive, he must, he realizes intuitively, control his emotions; keep on keeping on.

In these early years of life, born into this family with this disposition and these challenges, to not display one's emotions, to keep one's head down, to work hard, to keep aiming high and to try everything in one's power to impress makes sense. It is a child's primary goal to survive one's childhood and so the child does what he needs to do.

In adulthood, and as the boy ages over time, the strategies are not nearly so successful. There is some semblance of  flexibility with his own children in terms of what success looks like, but academic scores are still what matter. It's only when his own children begin to exhibit significant signs of creativity that he is forced to surrender to the notion that there is more than one way to live a successful and happy life. 

Hard work, long hours, relentless striving with not much recognition of day or night, weekday or weekend is his life. It goes beyond need to work. This is a striving that has a life force of its own. And, a logic of its own. Certain tasks are avoided, sometimes for decades, whilst other tasks are undertaken with a microscopic precision; the details sometimes far more important than the overview demands. The big picture is not able to be seen.

When I think about such characters for a story I find myself wanting and yet unable to get them to a place where damage is healed. If a person strongly believes that the way they live is the right way to live, what can the family do about this? Where would a therapist begin if such a man ever agreed to evaluate his thinking and strategies? This is all so unlikely.

I listen to a podcast of two psychologists shooting the breeze about various issues relating to treatment of personality disorders and it was interesting to hear what they had to say about a personality such as I have painted above. For one thing, a year's therapy was seen as a minimum, 50 sessions. The goals would be to reduce the high standards, re-scripting, which largely means re-parenting, or chair work; looking at what a healthy parent might have said or done in certain circumstances.

Another interesting treatment strategy would be for the person be set a goal but in a shorter time than they would allow on their own. The idea is to break down the perfectionism whilst also getting tasks achieved.

Pushing the notion that emotions are a good thing was another strategy; not just anger which comes so naturally to someone who has been traumatized in childhood but a whole range of emotions; re-evaluating vulnerability as a way into true intimacy. No small task.

A spiritual journey

As a little girl I was sent to Sunday School. My grandmother was Catholic and my mother too, but my father saw that she had suffered within the Catholic Church, being of an anxious disposition, so it was determined my brother and I would be raised in his faith, Protestant.

My school was affiliated with a religious order and so each morning there was a prayer and a hymn, sanctuary doors were opened and closed. A Minister came into class a few days a week to speak of the Bible and of being Christian. He was very old and often dozed.

In the background my grandmother kept the Catholic faith in my life. She taught me about the rosary and she talked about Heaven and Hell. God being up in the sky watching all things, good and bad, was clear in my mind.

Everything from childhood has some sort of effect but what I am most aware of as an adult is that I love to be in churches. I love the service and the majesty of the whole thing. I like the spectacle and the way I feel in churches. I like to light a candle or watch others light a candle. I love the music and the architecture. I love being with people who think it right to pray.

There is a clinical psychologist on Utube that I follow and he talks of human beings being psycho-spiritual beings. We want there to be something bigger than us. I think that's what pulled me into religion as a child; what captivated me. It really is quite natural to want to be part of something bigger than yourself.

I don't any more but prior to the last couple of years I would pray to God, to keep my children safe mostly.

Twenty years ago when I had my final baby I began to do Pilates, to music. It was within this experience of movement and music that I started to feel some release from a post natal depression that had its grip on me. It makes sense really because as a young girl I loved dance, ballet. It was my escape. Within the discipline, the rigor and the music, I felt free.

Once I had been doing Pilates for some time I tried yoga and adored it. In the same building they were running meditation classes and this seemed like a suitable next step, the right time.

Meditation was far from easy for me but there were enough good moments to keep me coming back. The young woman did a wonderful job of guided meditations which I found very much to my liking. I took myself to stunning tanzanite caves where lurid things took place, and up mountains where I glided off into open space quite effortlessly.

A new teacher taught us candle gazing and to stay in our bodies. My mind was still floating about so the instruction that I must stay in my body was another breakthrough thought.

I learned about walking meditations. I  was beginning to not only be aware of the anxiety in my body but to be its witness.

One day whilst out shopping I ran into a woman who had stopped coming to the meditation group and she asked if I was still attending the group. I told her I was. She had a much better idea, she told me, a sacred sort of meditation space, a sanctuary where she experienced great peace.

As I recall it took me a few months to go to the Sanctuary, where I never ran into her. One would pay $10 downstairs and then go up the stairs. We'd leave our shoes and bag outside and take up a position. A candle set in a big bowl flickered light about the dimly lit room.

I didn't understand at that time how to sit on a cushion or to use a prayer bench, so I sat in a chair. It was very peaceful but I don't like chairs for long meditations really. Other than that issue I felt I was getting somewhere with the meditation. My mind was sometimes slowing down. Sometimes I wondered if I could stand it another moment, but I never left.

My inner world remained quite chaotic. So, one day, when I saw a notice for an 8 week meditation course, I signed up. Thinking back to it I was still pretty hopeless but I had glimmers of a peaceful mind. As well as that our discussions that dovetailed the meditation practice was giving me information about the mind/body connection. I was the only person to finish the course.

Meditation remains a great challenge for most people. The classes I originally took closed down, and the group that ran the Sanctuary was forced to close.

I fell into a hole until a good year later, I think, I went in search for an alternative. I found someone but too far from my home. The lucky break was that she informed me of where the woman who taught my 8 week class was running a meditation group close to my home.

I try very hard not to miss that weekly group session. It is a most eclectic group. There has been a bone surgeon and his wife, a woman who lost everything in a bushfire, an architect with cancer, a surgeon who has some dementia, a very old man who was a Lecturer of Philosophy, a woman who lost her daughter to cancer. Currently, there is a man of 40 something whose cancer has come back three times. We are just starting to get to know him and last week he spoke openly.

For years I have meditated on a cushion; well three cushions these days. Various yoga poses have stretched out my thigh muscles, and I have wide open hips, so it's not uncomfortable at all, though it was until I made the necessary improvements to my body.

My spiritual practice is supported by reading gurus, spiritual healers and leaders. I'm too old to imagine that there is anyone on this Earth that is a perfect human being but certain people have much to teach us.
Pema Chodron is a favourite of mine but so too is Eckhart Tolle, and I have a soft spot for Ram Dass. But, I appreciate many leaders and writers. Rumi is great and I once bought a book whilst in Queensland which I think had a significant subliminal effect on me: Oshos' 'Meditation for Busy People.'  I keep a tumblr blog in large part devoted to the thoughts of such people that support my practice and the way I aim to live and to think/not think.

To refer back to the first few paragraphs of this post I don't think of an omnipotent God above the clouds any more. I think of God as being within me, within all of us. Either that Godliness is expressed or it isn't, but it resides inside, not outside.

I don't know, and who really cares, why I am the way I am. I came into the world quiet and noticing when all about me people were loud and unaware. People in my world seemed to be running on adrenaline when I wanted to find a peaceful place to simply read my book, or to think. I danced. I played the piano. I read. Such a young girl isn't suited to the loudness of her environment. I sought quiet places and experiences as relief from the noise and agitation.

I've blocked out a lot of memories, it seems. It doesn't matter . I do remember being upset, very upset and chaotic inside. This was before the spiritual journey began. I would take my extreme anger for a walk. One time I took it to a Step class and did my best to stay on the block. But, there reached a moment when I thought I might actually explode, or implode, and so I was forced to stop.

When experiencing extreme negative emotions I don't think exercise works. First, one must go to the cushion and deal with the upset. It's only very recently that I had the courage to go into the negative emotion and stay with it such that it transforms into peace. This was a huge breakthrough.

The woman who taught me in the 8 week program is now my dear, dear friend and very recently, just in the past few weeks, we have begun to confide in one another. I haven't declared 'I am a submissive' but I have explained, because she asked me gently to explain further a statement I uttered, that I  am attracted to a certain type of man and that this has caused issues for me in my life. We are both starting to fill in the dots as to what we share with one another over delicious and deliciously long lunches.

Shortly, I will attend a meditation retreat where we will meditate about 6 hours a day and be in silence for much of the time. It is sheer bliss for me.

I wonder if I can say what I have learned on this spiritual journey in a paragraph or two. Man, that's asking something.

Well, first of all, let me say that I have come to understand the mind/body connection. If someone like me is around difficult people, perhaps loud and reactive, perhaps needing or wanting my energy but not offering energy of their own to me, this can create chronic stress, which can lead to inflammation in the body which can lead to inflammatory disease.

This is why it is so important for a submissive who is struggling in her relationship with a partner to investigate what is really going on in her life. Her energetic fields may be so open that she suffers emotional pain, tending to ignore her body and its needs. So, I have learned that creating a calm mind and learning techniques to calm the Other as well as one's own mind is vital to health and emotional stability. Relying on the Other when the Other doesn't have the capacity, for whatever reason, to tend to you is a recipe for much unhappiness. Shoring up on your self esteem and self reliance is the key.

Spiritually, I have learned to be still. I have learned that when troubled to sit, just sit. Pema Chodron talks of this. I have learned to allow negative emotion and to transform negative emotion. I feel what I feel. I allow it without being distressed by it.

I have learned to accept. I am not responsible for anyone else, can't and shouldn't change them. Nor, do I need to save anyone. I offer myself, my best self, and that is enough. I have learned to be settled and calm. This is no-one's responsibility but my own. I can find my peace regardless of the outside forces that swirl around me.

Love isn't constant. Perhaps a parent's love for a child is constant but even then it ebbs and flows; is stronger at some times than others.

Romantic love has so much potential. Sacred love is something that I feel eludes me but remains my goal. As a relationship ages there is the possibility for love to grow in depth and for sex to take on a sacred nature. I had that for a time, but then it was gone and I was powerless to bring it back. Things got out of balance. Life isn't over until it is over and so I remain hopeful, but accepting of the limitations of my life as well. There are still chapters left to live.

At the meditation retreat I was on last year we were shown a movie about the life of Father Bede Griffiths. It is his thoughts on sacred love that stays with me. I continue to feel that allowing a woman to be entrenched in her femininity and the man in his masculinity can bring me the sort of relationship that would be the icing on the cake, for me. I am not sure that everyone wants, or can, go to a place of intense intimacy with another person, so we'll see what comes. We'll see if it is possible to create that sacred shared space.

I am eternally grateful for the lessons learned on this journey. Even on the most jam-packed and challenging days, I find time to sit quietly and focus on my breath; breathing in, noticing the gap and breathing out, noticing the gap. We are incredibly fortunate to be alive.

Personalities within BDSM players

I recently read an article based on research done that compared BDSM players to standard groups based on the criteria of personality types. The researcher used the following personality factors - neuroticism, extraversion, openness to experience, conscientiousness and agreeableness. (I'm sorry I can't get back to the relevant article but if I find it I'll link it here.)

 As his research progressed he felt he may have stumbled upon a sixth personality factor relevant to the research - honesty/humility. People who identify as 'submissive' score particularly high on their 'desire to obey and be subjugated', seek self-basement and humiliation, and the researcher wondered if humiliation and humility might be related. In the same way people who identified as 'dominant' might be the opposite - possess a desire to feel superior to others, he speculated.

To return to the research findings, and bearing in mind that the researcher felt that these findings were by no means hard and fast, with there being some possible questions still in relation to the control group, some interesting theories emerged.

If one considers one of the factors of personality the researcher considered, agreeableness, dominants and submissives tend to be on the opposite sides of the scale. The definition of agreeableness used was pleasantness and consideration for the comforts of other people. Submissive people tended to be about the same as the control people on this criteria, but dominants were low. They tend to be "tough rather than tender minded' with a willingness to make hard decisions. They are "bossy" people and demanding in the way they relate to others. (What a shock!)

The researcher speculated, and this is interesting because I have read many people make a statement that is opposite to this, that the majority of people drawn to roles reflect rather than compensate for their normal personalities.  People into BDSM, he felt, generally prefer the role that fits their own level of agreeableness. (I agree with this.)

In general life people tend to find disagreeableness as annoying and rude. Dominants, he determined, were "relatively shameless, self-confident, not easily embarrassed" and not guilty or shy about inflicting punishments. But, in the roles of BDSM "doms have found a way to express their disagreeableness in a way that is actually welcomed and appreciated by submissive partners".

This makes sense to me. I know I am often spoken to in a way that most women wouldn't care for. But, I process it differently. The bossiness is appealing to me, especially if 'bimbo' is present. It gives me tingles down my spine. It makes me feel alive. It's an "oh thank god, he's feeling particularly dominant today" feeling that comes as such a relief, usually. I'm much less excited when I am being hauled over the coals I should mention, or when the dominant is choosing to 'railroad' me with a deep, angry, aggressive tone of voice.

If one considers another factor of personality - extraversion - what he had to say about submissives particularly interested me. It appears we might be more extraverted than the control group; that is more sociable and assertive. (More assertive? Really? How interesting) It also appears that we may have a particularly friendly outgoing nature. We are excitement seeking. He doesn't mean that we necessarily like riding roller coasters (I pathologically hate to do that) but rather that the attention and the unpredictability in role-playing satisfies our need for excitement. I think this is absolutely right. I love the tango of BDSM. I light up when I am around a man being a little dominant with me in a playful way in almost any situation.

What alarmed me was what the researcher had to say about neuroticism; that is anxious attachment, a need for approval and sensitivity to rejection, all submissive traits. Dominants scored significantly low -the statistically largest different between groups - on neuroticism, rejection sensitivity and the need for approval. The alarm is based on the fact that rejection sensitivity and a need for approval are negatively correlated with subjective well-being; in other words happiness. Dominants scored high in happiness, he determined, concluding that most of the psychological benefits associated with BDSM belong to Dominants. (High extraversion + low neuroticism = greater overall happiness)

Of course these are all generalizations and don't relate to any two particular people and their relationship. However, the findings are worthy of consideration, especially as I compare them to literature given to me by my psychologist a few years ago. Those readers who have been around a while may remember that my psychologist identified in me a need to please people such that she felt that I was subjugating myself into unhappiness. I was allowing people to control me, she said. The article she gave me to read and make notes on so that we could discuss it stated, "Subjugation robs you of a clear sense of what you want and need - of who you are".

In the article there were two main reasons given why people subjugate themselves and the one that relates to me (since I don't subjugate myself out of guilt, though maybe to relieve the pain of others at times) is that people subjugate because they anticipate rejection, retaliation, or abandonment. This reminds me of a conversation I had with a dominant this morning and he made the point that a submissive can never, in a sense, relax. I responded that she can relax so long as she is perfect (haha) and this may, in fact, be relevant to the point here. The dynamic is set up specifically and intentionally to challenge the submissive and hence a bit of fear/concern/neuroticism about how she is doing and whether she has pleased is part and parcel of the game. We need to be aware of this, that the game is rigged against us, and not take it too personally, maybe.

To return to the subjugation article I was given to read, "It is part of the subjugation trap for you to believe it is somehow wrong for you to express your needs." That's true. I've definitely made that mistake (although allowing my submissiveness out with a strict dominant is one of my most vital needs).

The good news is that in the past few days there has been revelatory thought about that. I've lived for years, via the BDSM roles, with the feeling that I was on the cusp of being abandoned. Maybe, that was accurate. I really have no way of knowing this. But, I realized something lately that has freed me in my mind and made me much less neurotic and therefore more able to maintain a sense of happiness. Here it is. I am not likely to be abandoned at all. For one thing, I have been married for 35 years later this year. That's pretty stable! And, my mentor and I have endured one another (nah, I really mean forged a lasting and valuable friendship of sorts) that has spanned well over 5 years in length. It's time to stop feeling that I might be abandoned at any minute, don't you agree? And, if I am, well, I'll deal with that then and not today.

I honestly do and always will hate not pleasing. I loathe to be in the bad books and to be punished, especially through dismissal for a time. I think it makes me feel like the little girl that I never was, since I never was really punished. Punishment also makes me dwell on my weaknesses which is never easy either. I know I can be a 'hot head' and 'full of myself' and punishment makes me admit it, even if just to myself.

I think the meditation has helped, reading lots of spiritual words. I worry less about what will come later and live much more in the moment. I don't try to push for what I want so much, more confident in the fact that good things will come my way in good time.

I trust, not just in those dominant powers that influence my life, but in life in general. Sure, there is a bad and violent force in the world but I stand with the Headmaster of my son's previous school when he says 'There is more good than there is bad.'

I think there are tremendous psychological benefits to being in the submissive role but one must develop a strong inner self, an understanding that we must express what we need and want, and that, when all is said and done, we do what we do, dominant and submissive, because we crave intimacy. Even when my masochistic needs are incredibly high and I crave the nastiness of the dominant to dig his fangs deep into my skin, that's all about intimacy too. We can be vulnerable and strong at the same moment.

I think the research this man has done points out some important tendencies in BDSM players which must be considered and evaluated. It's vital that submissive people recognize that they can be vulnerable people and then work on those tendencies towards neuroticism. It's also important, I would say, that dominant people work on their tendency to be "relatively shameless". That can't be good.