Arousal is a very personal thing and what I have discovered about myself is that I am profoundly aroused by having a relationship such that my compliance is under absolutely no doubt. It's more than an agreement that we'll both be happy in a power exchange arrangement. My arousal comes from the man wanting and taking from me what pleases him.
Of course, whatever is decided is a negotiation, of sorts, but negotiations are such a turn on for me, that push and pull, that I'm never sure if what I've agreed to is what I really want or what I want because the other wants it. It's a desire to please, yes. It's a challenge, which I love. But, that the other has declared his hand and demanded something of me, for himself and his own pleasure (even if it revolves around my own ultimate pleasure) is so delicious for me. I adore the deviousness of it. I revel in the exchange of power, but more importantly in him taking charge. To enjoy the bitter, there must be sweet, of course, but I really like a bit of evil in a man; that arrogance to insist on having what he wants regardless of what I think.
There are two aspects of power exchange, I think - the everyday and the erotic. My husband is loving but firm. If we have cross words (meaning: if he growls at me) it is because he feels I have forgotten my place. "You forget yourself" is the expression he will use. Or, "If you want to make the decisions, you're with the wrong man." He's firm and demanding and whilst it is incredibly frustrating to find myself in trouble for the simplest misspeaking of words, I do recognize how our marriage works well and also that I have no chance of changing it. There's a certain arousal for me in this arrangement. I do appreciate a strong man in my life. He provides me with challenge; maybe too much challenge at times because I have so often had to bend to his will and to look at the world through his eyes. Sometimes, it just seems easier to keep some of my thoughts to myself, and I do. Still, as I go about my life I know where I stand. There's no negotiation here. I bend to his will or we're both unhappy. That's the everyday aspect of power exchange - how things go minute by minute.
Even on the everyday level, I see opportunities for a more interesting and arousing life. Yes, I keep him happy doing things his way and providing him with what he wants. But, I think the everyday can provoke arousal with compliance of a different sort. I'd actually love it if he were, for example, to tell me he wants me in bed with the lights out by, say, midnight at the latest. Not only that, I'd love it if he saw to it that I complied. I don't think these are the sorts of things he wants to do. He certainly doesn't do them, which is a shame because I think it would bring us closer.
When I think about my ideal power exchange relationship I think of a model of loving dominance. I want to be absolutely clear about who leads just as I have always been clear about that, but as well I'd love it if the dominant made it clear about rules and rituals he wants. A bedtime makes sense to me (I'm often overtired from lack of sleep since there is no flexibility in the time I must get up most days) and I'd like some supervision about a few other things as well - an exercise regime, for example or some expression of interest as to the way I dress, or what color he prefers. I'd love to have things picked out for me or just for him to express his desires.
I'd like to feel that my dominant was there to guide me as to what is good for me but also according to his wants. Perhaps he wants to be kissed good morning or kissed good evening in a certain way, or perhaps he wants some other specific thing to which I could attend. When you feel loving and are just adoring your submissive role you want to fuss over the other a bit - whatever would make them happy. It's such a natural thing for me to do - to help others and make them happy - that providing this sort of service for the dominant and giving him pleasure makes me very happy. Somehow, I see this service as incorporated within the erotic components of the power exchange because if there is no or very little eroticism, my pleasure in these daily acts of kindness and compliance is much, much less. In fact, they become more like chores, and I hate that feeling. It's the feeling that you are being taken for granted and no-one likes that feeling.
With regards to the erotic component of power exchange my very strong preference is to have no say in the matter whatsoever. I like for all such decisions to be made for me. Whilst it isn't erotic per se yesterday morning my husband was waking me after a long sleep (for me) asking if I'd like to go out for breakfast. I mumbled I would. I was delighted he had taken the initiative. From there he started asking me would I like things - would I like a spanking before we left, for example.This simply throws me into confusion. Why do I have to decide these things? He saw the dilemma via my silence. "You really do hate being given choices, don't you," he said. Yes, I do. If you want to spank me, then go ahead. If you don't, then I'll do without, but please don't expect me to make these sort of decisions myself. That's how I feel about it.
Thus it is with all erotic/sexual/sensual decisions. Sure, consultation is much appreciated but Dominants have a way of leading you to their wants and decisions anyway so it's obvious I am going to agree. From there, it's all about compliance and the firmer the demand to comply, the more I sense the non-negotiability of the situation, the more aroused I am, the safer I am, the happier I am. What is difficult about this to understand? I. do. not. want. any. control.
I wonder, are there any men out there who like the sound of this? Is it too much? Is my desire to give up control and to put control in the hands of a dominant too much? Is it too much to expect to serve sexually regularly, to be dominated with the best of intentions; for me to interpret that dominance as care; to be adored for wanting this? In my ideal world my man would shower me with kisses on a daily basis for being the woman that I am. Wouldn't that be divine!
Of course, whatever is decided is a negotiation, of sorts, but negotiations are such a turn on for me, that push and pull, that I'm never sure if what I've agreed to is what I really want or what I want because the other wants it. It's a desire to please, yes. It's a challenge, which I love. But, that the other has declared his hand and demanded something of me, for himself and his own pleasure (even if it revolves around my own ultimate pleasure) is so delicious for me. I adore the deviousness of it. I revel in the exchange of power, but more importantly in him taking charge. To enjoy the bitter, there must be sweet, of course, but I really like a bit of evil in a man; that arrogance to insist on having what he wants regardless of what I think.
There are two aspects of power exchange, I think - the everyday and the erotic. My husband is loving but firm. If we have cross words (meaning: if he growls at me) it is because he feels I have forgotten my place. "You forget yourself" is the expression he will use. Or, "If you want to make the decisions, you're with the wrong man." He's firm and demanding and whilst it is incredibly frustrating to find myself in trouble for the simplest misspeaking of words, I do recognize how our marriage works well and also that I have no chance of changing it. There's a certain arousal for me in this arrangement. I do appreciate a strong man in my life. He provides me with challenge; maybe too much challenge at times because I have so often had to bend to his will and to look at the world through his eyes. Sometimes, it just seems easier to keep some of my thoughts to myself, and I do. Still, as I go about my life I know where I stand. There's no negotiation here. I bend to his will or we're both unhappy. That's the everyday aspect of power exchange - how things go minute by minute.
Even on the everyday level, I see opportunities for a more interesting and arousing life. Yes, I keep him happy doing things his way and providing him with what he wants. But, I think the everyday can provoke arousal with compliance of a different sort. I'd actually love it if he were, for example, to tell me he wants me in bed with the lights out by, say, midnight at the latest. Not only that, I'd love it if he saw to it that I complied. I don't think these are the sorts of things he wants to do. He certainly doesn't do them, which is a shame because I think it would bring us closer.
When I think about my ideal power exchange relationship I think of a model of loving dominance. I want to be absolutely clear about who leads just as I have always been clear about that, but as well I'd love it if the dominant made it clear about rules and rituals he wants. A bedtime makes sense to me (I'm often overtired from lack of sleep since there is no flexibility in the time I must get up most days) and I'd like some supervision about a few other things as well - an exercise regime, for example or some expression of interest as to the way I dress, or what color he prefers. I'd love to have things picked out for me or just for him to express his desires.
I'd like to feel that my dominant was there to guide me as to what is good for me but also according to his wants. Perhaps he wants to be kissed good morning or kissed good evening in a certain way, or perhaps he wants some other specific thing to which I could attend. When you feel loving and are just adoring your submissive role you want to fuss over the other a bit - whatever would make them happy. It's such a natural thing for me to do - to help others and make them happy - that providing this sort of service for the dominant and giving him pleasure makes me very happy. Somehow, I see this service as incorporated within the erotic components of the power exchange because if there is no or very little eroticism, my pleasure in these daily acts of kindness and compliance is much, much less. In fact, they become more like chores, and I hate that feeling. It's the feeling that you are being taken for granted and no-one likes that feeling.
With regards to the erotic component of power exchange my very strong preference is to have no say in the matter whatsoever. I like for all such decisions to be made for me. Whilst it isn't erotic per se yesterday morning my husband was waking me after a long sleep (for me) asking if I'd like to go out for breakfast. I mumbled I would. I was delighted he had taken the initiative. From there he started asking me would I like things - would I like a spanking before we left, for example.This simply throws me into confusion. Why do I have to decide these things? He saw the dilemma via my silence. "You really do hate being given choices, don't you," he said. Yes, I do. If you want to spank me, then go ahead. If you don't, then I'll do without, but please don't expect me to make these sort of decisions myself. That's how I feel about it.
Thus it is with all erotic/sexual/sensual decisions. Sure, consultation is much appreciated but Dominants have a way of leading you to their wants and decisions anyway so it's obvious I am going to agree. From there, it's all about compliance and the firmer the demand to comply, the more I sense the non-negotiability of the situation, the more aroused I am, the safer I am, the happier I am. What is difficult about this to understand? I. do. not. want. any. control.
I wonder, are there any men out there who like the sound of this? Is it too much? Is my desire to give up control and to put control in the hands of a dominant too much? Is it too much to expect to serve sexually regularly, to be dominated with the best of intentions; for me to interpret that dominance as care; to be adored for wanting this? In my ideal world my man would shower me with kisses on a daily basis for being the woman that I am. Wouldn't that be divine!
It is not hard to understand. It is not too much. And yes. It would be divine. So perfectly worded, Vesta. Thank you. Susan aka July Girl
ReplyDeleteVesta, you are not asking too much. You are asking that you are consistently noticed for what you do well in addition to what you do not so well. And that you are motivated to do better through attention that hooks into your erotic triggers. I think many dominants would be delighted with that attitude and willingness to be guided and controlled. In fact I think most would find your hunger for subjugation very, very appealing.
ReplyDeleteI must say though that there is quite a demand on the dominant to provide the level of control you crave on a consistent basis. Great if you are in a position where he does not have many other demands on him, but quite a challenge if he is still very much engaged in the day-to-day grind.
But the dream is a very beautiful one to aspire to. A wonderfully written article as usual, thank you for your dedication, honesty and inspiration in writing here.
You are not asking too much. Just enough.
ReplyDeleteSusan: Really? You'd like that, too? I wonder how many of us want this...
ReplyDeleteRollymo: Thank you for your kind words. I suppose, in one sense, it takes some time to control in this way, but I think it doesn't have to be that way. If he were, for example, to set in place a bed time I'd like that and be mindful of it. Perhaps sometimes I'd be tempted to stay up late doing something like reading my novel and he'd come along and remind me of the rule to reinforce it, but wouldn't it be worth it? At the moment he comes to bed later than me most nights, so it doesn't seem like it would take much trouble at all. Whatever small amount of trouble it took, it would be more than worthwhile to him to make that small effort on behalf of our relationship. I would like to think that just as I got energy from that, so would he. He is very committed to ensuring that he is respected and that he gets his way but can be less devoted to creating happiness through an erotic lens and that's the only way to have a power exchange that creates positive energy, in my opinion.
David F: That's very nice to know. I only ask for some eroticism in the exchange on a regular basis, that's all. I can be serious and hold my tongue until the cows come home these days but it doesn't give me much in the way of positive energy. That comes to me when I feel the erotic enter our lives. Otherwise it is Head of House and that holds no appeal for me on its own.