Dance steps

 One of my sons is a Counsellor. His speciality is children, but through study he has needed to become well versed in various theories. There are the usual suspects, such as Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Theory. More recently, came Emotion Focused Therapy, both for individuals and couples.

We chat about these topics. I have always been interested in what makes people tick. I found myself reading books and academic papers that took my fancy, and in that reading, I came to see that Sue Johnson of Canada, who created Emotion Focused Therapy, really did have it all figured out.

In a nutshell, she believed, as John Bowlby before her, that we are all, despite our differences, much the same. We are wired for connection and to bond with a few precious people. Our survival as mammals is dependent on that bonding and if that isn't secure, we tend to behave in fairly predictable ways. We either become demanding or we withdraw.

Therein lies the distancer-pursuer dance. It's a clumsy sort of dance that benefits no-one. It needs to come to a halt. New music needs to be chosen. A different sort of dance needs to be learned.

Maybe two years ago now, I was convinced by a relative stranger to try to retrieve a dynamic in my marriage that had, much to my chagrin, fizzled out. I was convinced by someone that I had been talking to, a therapist of sorts, that it was easy enough to reinvigorate that dynamic; that it could be done in no time. I wanted to believe that, and I went along with the plan. It turned out to be two of the most challenging years of my life. In hindsight, I should have trusted my gut.

It is extremely hard to go against the grain, to act in a way that is the opposite to how one has, reasonably satisfactorily, survived up to this point. These are reasonably automatic responses and need to be broken down. This will often require the assistance of a trusted and reliable therapist; one who will act as an attachment figure; the model of secure attachment. These automatic responses of ours are so ingrained and often lie below our awareness. I have a reasonable level of intelligence, but it has taken me a long time to bring instinctive reactions to the surface on my own, that is, without help.

Both my husband and I were brought up in a generation by parents who simply had no emotional attunement with their children. It was challenging for them to have anything but well behaved, compliant children, so neither of us learned how to express our emotions in an honest and attuned way. In fact, I would say, emotions equalled danger. 

I have come to realise that my husband has had no capacity to be with my emotions. I've spent the vast majority of our almost 50 years together in a, comparatively speaking, quiet and controlled state. If I bring to him a small amount of distress, that's okay, but anything more, dysregulates him. I recall now the many times I have said, 'I can't talk with you about my distress looking for soothing because what happens is I feel more distressed after we talk'. There was the clue.

There has been something about my being 'emotional' that has triggered in him, instinctively and beyond his ability to do anything about it, danger.

We made great inroads this week when I shared, quietly and calmly, the fact that his massive loss of weight is very difficult for me. I have a muscle memory of where my arms should go, my hands should go, what I will feel when my hands hold him in bed. 

To his great credit, he listened without reacting defensively, and he shared that he feared being rejected by me. 

It has felt for so long that I have a need to get closer and he has a need to withdraw more, whilst all the while we both crave the other's love.

I was sitting outside a Japanese restaurant during the week eating my miso soup and watching people go by. I watched men go in and out of the supermarket next door and a thought popped into my head. Where on earth would I ever find someone to replace my husband? Where would I ever find a suitable Owner? There is so vey much that is right about our union, except for this dumb pursuer-distancer dance.

Sharing our vulnerabilities, that's the first step in choosing new music; feeling into what we feel so that we can transform the feelings into something new and better.