Bonds

 It's impressive that the generation of my children have made the effort to know something about psychology, which is a considerable improvement from my generation where we just got on with life as best we could, clueless about matters such as trauma, and attachment theory, and feelings.

I was with my daughter this week and she told me the story of her close friend who I know well. She's a beautiful girl, very good hearted and kind, a primary school teacher, but she has run into one man after the other with issues.  We thought she may have finally found Mr Right recently, but it turns out not to be the case.

He is a divorced man with two children and to his credit he told K when they first started dating that he needed a good deal of space. She was prepared to work with that until it became obvious that he was avoidant, even to the point of making criticisms of her body that would make any girl think twice about his desire to be in the relationship at all.

These days, K has boundaries and can see red flags and after giving it her best for six months she called the relationship off. She has learned to be happy single rather than unhappy in an unsuitable union. She had little difficulty in letting go, a far cry this time from the 'on and off' relationship she was in a for a few years with a very controlling partner.

There's a silver lining in disappointment in that those situations provide an opportunity to tap into strengths, I am reminded of the novel 'The Women' about an American nurse who went to Vietnam, found herself  after the war let down by the man she loved, but this pushed her to find meaning in her life in a different way; everlasting friendship with women friends, and even a new, much stronger relationship with her parents. No. she didn't have the children she would have cherished but she did find purpose and satisfaction in a different way.

I am an old-fashioned girl who is never happier deeply and securely bonded to an attachment figure - thus the attraction of a D/s dynamic, but I can see there are other ways to live quite satisfactorily.