Girls just want to have fun

 The Parts work of IFS (Internal Family Systems) can be very useful for those with codependent behavior patterns. 

Codependents - people who tend to be enmeshed with other people - can be thought of quite simply as people who are trying to control their world. This can be due to circumstances in their childhood where parts of them were subdued as a protective mechanism to stop them from experiencing hurt.

Consider the young child with all the parts of the plural mind intact. The child displays curiosity and creativity. The child feels connected to at least one adult in his or her life. There's also the display of a degree of courage and compassion. There's clarity about what he or she wants.

As time goes by, the world interfaces with children and sometimes they get the idea that some core elements of the Self need to come up to the fore and some elements of the Self needs to be subdued. It's a protective mechanism we employ when things are not right. 

In my case, I probably felt the need to employ some behaviors and thoughts to protect myself from being hurt or feeling rejected, or lonely. A sense of being independent thus came to the fore; being able to manage on one's own; to please those adults in one's life who found it convenient and agreeable that I was able to manage independently of them.

If you have needed to people-please, competency is good in the eyes of your care givers, but they may not have wanted you to be too good, lest they felt not good about themselves. So, competency in the child there may be, but maybe not great self-esteem; maybe very weak boundaries.

Over much time, and when the adults in one's adult life also appreciate this independent, people-pleasing, weak boundary competency, those elements of oneself become over-used; tired.

It shouldn't come as a surprise when such a person reaches a point when he or she wonders what it is all about.

The solutions require those other parts that make up the Self to rise up and give those Parts that have been overworking for many a year a break. 

Which Parts you say? Well, with all this hard work and giving the other folks lots of space to go off and achieve while you do the work of caring for them, connection could well be in need of some attention along with creativity, not to mention confidence.

Here's where Deity shined. He wasn't one for psychological mumbo jumbo, but he saw when a girl thought too much and worked too much.

He devised tools to help her lose her mind and focus on pleasure for a time.

Connected. Cared for. Curious. Confident. Courageous and Clear.

Yes, for sure, someone with codependent tendencies needs to work towards interdependency (meeting each other's emotional and physical needs in relationship) but I think it bears reminding that balance of core elements of Self is vital. 

To put it simply: Girls just want to have (some) fun. 

Befriend yourself.

 It might be a confronting thought for some people. I know it was for me, until I embraced the wisdom therein. It's this. Regardless of companions along the way - spouses, children, extended families, business associates and random people we meet as we go about living out our days - we walk the path of our individual lives alone.

We carry on a dialogue with ourselves, critique ourselves, berate ourselves and tap ourselves on the back. Regardless of what we say to other people, we know internally how we are doing; if we are proud of ourselves, or scared, or lonely, or fearful, or if we know it's time for something new.

In essence, we compete against no-one but ourselves. Really let that statement land.

We can keep eternally busy and maybe these thoughts may never come up. But, they will. They do. We all, at the least, have dark nights of the soul whether we choose such reflections or not.

I try to keep it simple here in the journal; try to narrow it down to one idea even when my brain is flooded with thoughts. So let me tell you about the pain in my left shoulder area; this almost constant nagging pain that has been there for years.

It's an injury, I am told. It's arthritis, I am told. It's where you hold your emotional pain, I am told. There's some truth to all this analysis.

Yet, something deep in the psyche whispered to me that I had some power over the pain. What gave me hope was that in a deeply relaxed state at a retreat a few years back, I left the retreat pain free.

When I returned to my life, the pain returned with me, but what I had realized was that injury or not, arthritis or not, mental pain or not, it was possible to be pain free.

I read widely and so I can't say exactly where my inspiration stemmed from exactly, but a few days ago I found myself in conversation with my body. It was a yoga-free period as I nursed a sore back muscle and instead of going to a class, I was doing some simple yoga movements at home. 

I found myself saying internally, 'It's okay body. You and I are on the same team. You don't need to keep giving me signals. I'm looking after me now.'

I cannot take full credit for the vast improvement in my shoulder area since I did have an acupuncture treatment last week. Still, something's changed, profoundly changed in my relationship with the pain. To not get too weird, I acknowledged it; acknowledged what it might be doing to help me, in its strange sort of way. I talked back to it, offered to be in consort with it, and in doing so, found relief, a truce of sorts.

To see myself as the star of my own life; as the one walking solo through my own life (together with companions, of course) was to remove anyone else being responsible for my well-being. This provided me with a lightness of being. (Note: I should say I have been listening to Worthiness recordings from richsmithhypnosis.com and highly recommend them)

I can honestly say that if I had an easy sort of path, someone who offered me the kind of attention and affection I have always craved, a comfortable life, I would have stayed in my comfortable lane. What reason would there have been to leave? Who can blame those with blessed lives for thinking that life is about being comfortable; more and more comfortable?

I once asked a wise woman what I should do now? At my stage of life, what would make a difference? She suggested I should not feel burdened by a need to seek to do more; if something comes, let it come, she said, but don't force it.

I took that advice, awaiting patiently a sign of where I could do better, or more. After trauma, first you have to heal yourself. Then, you can take your healed self beyond. That's the stage I am at; actively seeking to venture further and further outside my comfort zone; to see what I am capable of.

It's some old saying, isn't it - that the solution lies within?

A recent acquaintance likes to say, 'If you can't be happy without her, you can't be happy with her.'

Using fewer words, I suggest, 'Befriend yourself.'

Befriend all parts of yourself and be comfortable with the truth: that you are a work in progress, as you should be, and always were.

This is fine.

 Over time it has become clear to me that as someone with an anxious attachment style - a strong desire to connect with other significant people in my life - my efforts have been to try to work out 'the other'. This, I have come to realize is a common trait in those with an anxious attachment style. We tend to feel that we have some power over the other person to effect change in them; to make them more ideal for us. In some small ways, perhaps we can encourage them to be their best, but overall, we can't change another person. This is a very important lesson.

Once this is accepted, there is a form of liberation. It opens doors because now there is space to explore oneself more, to note one's own thoughts and emotions; one's own needs and wants. Here is where one can definitely have influence and effect change. Here is where real progress and joy can take place.

Many books and endless Instagram posts are written and produced on this subject matter. The books are inclined to explain the psychology of this situation and then the second half tends to be devoted to convincing the reader as to the veracity of focusing on oneself and how to go about that project.

The 'how to do it' isn't at all difficult. It's convincing the reader of the fact that this is the correct path. This doesn't happen in a reading. An anxious attachment style is so entrenched in the subconscious that the remedy seems like someone is trying to extract your teeth without sedation. It's not a path one goes down hopping and skipping. Convincing a person of their own worthiness is no small feat.

Eventually, step by step, it starts to feel more 'normal'. To listen to your own gut, to notice red flags, to note what attracts you; what sets you back; what makes you feel disconnected.

The interesting aspect of this path is that one comes to see over time that befriending oneself truly is the right thing to do. Intuition becomes your guide. Bits of yourself, such as the inner critic start to become dormant and the Self, that grown up leader of the tribe becomes the dominant voice. 

If no-one is stepping up for you, it is no longer a matter of feeling aggrieved or despondent because you are there for yourself.  There's a sense of it that if you were stranded on a deserted island your chances of survival are greater. You have become used to sorting out novel problems and being dogged about finding answers. You are just a lot stronger in every way.

This in no way precludes embracing any and all opportunities for connection with other people but rather means that regardless of whether or not these opportunities present themselves, you know you will be fine. One of my mantras is quite simply, 'This is fine', and so it is.