The 'bimbo' Part

 I've been doing some free guided meditations on Insight Timer where Dick Schwartz takes the listener on some experiences connecting in with their Parts. In one meditation we were taken on a walk and encouraged to just go alone if possible, to leave our Parts at the beginning of the trail. If you are watching yourself rather than being on the trail aware of your surroundings, then a Part has come along, so he encouraged us to ask the Part to go back and wait at the entrance of the Trail.

It didn't take me more than a few minutes, even less, to realize that when I am out in nature, or even in the city but have walked long enough in a state of peace, I am alone with my Self. No Parts are with me. How do I know? There isn't any meaningful chatter in my head. I'm not devising To Do lists. I am not immersed in memory or the future. I am in the Now, aware of the trees, the twittering of birds. I am in my body, settled, secure; needing nothing. 

In the best of times, I am completely at peace. When I was in Peru on the trail, or in Telluride walking up to Bear Falls, I experienced this profoundly. It is said that when a meditator experiences pure Awareness, all they want to do is to experience it again. Yes, I have experienced Awareness in meditation, but moreso in Yoga or on trails, or walking through the coastal town I visit, stopping to stare at the ocean at certain vantage points. 

I have also experienced a complete sense of harmony, peace and tranquillity in the 'bimbo' state. Look at the c's of Selfhood - curiosity, creativity, confidence, connection,  compassion, courage, calmness, clarity. All of these qualities have been available to me in the bimbo state.

I wrote myself a diary note this morning. I wrote this:

"I think 'bimbo' is a hurt Part. She felt it was dangerous, could easily be hurt, had been hurt - so she/it became an exile - even though I now see she is a part of the Self - creative, connected, courageous, confident.

She felt rejected, more than once , and retreated - first with a soul destroying sense of loneliness and abandonment...and then the Protector took over - don't let this ever happen to you again.

And yet, 'bimbo' was a Part of feeling confident, a sense of Awareness, happiness, embodied, in the body. And, connected. When the lack of connection happened, she lost trust."

I have tended to think of attachment injuries as those that happen to young children. But, this Part of me suffered an attachment injury and became an exile... carried the beliefs and thoughts that stuck to me, as Dick Schwartz would say, "like a virus". The Protector part was able to convince 'bimbo' that she wasn't a good thing; that she needed to stay small, safe; invisible. 

It's tricky still, in my mind, because bimbo, that sexual part of me that wants to submit and experience that type of Awareness, or maybe I should say sexual Selfhood, is reliant on the Selfhood of a partner. It actually takes two people operating from the Self, the Higher Self, for this to work.

This is a tall order and yet it feels hopeful today. I was definitely onto something.

Parts of ourselves

 I am not certain if I have written in the blog before about my reading into the human being made up of Parts. You would know instinctively that you are made up of parts but probably haven't given it much conscious attention. So, sometimes it might feel like you are feeling and operating from a small part, perhaps a wounded part and at other times it might feel like you are operating from a Higher Part; from a place of curiosity, calm, care, compassion, creativity.

I am very aware of these two operating systems. To simplify things, sometimes I am operating from my Heart Space and sometimes I am caught up in my own mind stream and in the environment around me; that is, how others are behaving and managing their Parts.

I've been following a Compassion Summit this week. This was another opportunity to follow along with Dick Schwartz as he explained the Parts of ourselves and how he goes about working with a client.

Let's start with the Inner Critic. Dick says this is the place to start; to find it in the body. Go ahead and identify where the Inner Critic sits inside you. Chances are you will find it in your head, as he says, although I felt that my Inner Critic rested in my bones. Maybe that is to stay that my Inner Critic is embodied deep in me. 

Just a word about that. My research into the caretaker mode of living, the submissive, if you will, the empathic entity in a relationship, provided abundant evidence that the Inner Critic resides wholeheartedly in such people and dominates their motivations.

How did I feel about it, was the question? The woman asked responded that she didn't like it, but I'd say more. I am tired of that critic; tired of her pushing me around; criticizing me and putting me down. It's the nastiest of parent figures; teachers; other girls; society at large. I can't begin to tell you how maddening I find her; how relentless her voice; how tired I am of her domineering ways.

Dick then explained that this Inner Critic, this voice, is a young and wounded Part; a burdened Part. Beliefs and thoughts we gathered over time have stuck to this wounded part, "like a virus". They are attachment injuries and traumas. Once hurt, we decided to leave these Parts, just because they got hurt. These are the exiles. So, your Inner Child, may well be exiled; she's vulnerable, little, so easy prey.

What did my Inner Critic say to me? Oh la la! What didn't she say?

You aren't assertive enough.

You aren't social enough.

You aren't sexually assertive.

You aren't a go-getter.

You aren't creatively productive enough.

Looking at the list, my Inner Critic simply didn't like me, as I happen to be.

Now, here's the explanation that rocked the boat enough for me to sit up and realize exactly what had happened.

"If the Inner Critic can convince you you're not any good, you can stay small, safe; invisible."

Exactement.

So, we have these Managers. They manage everything about our lives. They have exacting standards. It's the Managers, trying to keep you safe that say such things as

Don't go out unless you look perfect.

Excel at everything you do.

However, despite the tireless work of the Managers (Inner Critic) the world breaks through these defenses and triggers our exiles. Now you are pulled back into those old scenes that you tried to keep buried. Again, you are flooded with those horrible feelings: feeling little and defenseless, worthless, not good enough; not pretty enough...It's an endless list.

The work is that of unburdening. As an example, if one says, I can't write, interrogate that thought. If I don't write, even though I want to, because the Inner Critic is telling me I can't write, go ahead and write. Get curious and creative about writing.

At out essence we all have Buddha nature. If we can create an open space, another person, the Self, or the Higher Self pops out and knows what to do.

In my own words, I think it comes down to what Brene Brown said years ago. It's all about vulnerability, going into the arena and being prepared to fail. It's human to fail sometimes. Why did we think the earth would swallow us when we do?

Do you remember Russell Crowe's character in 'A Beautiful Mind'? Ultimately, he tells his two imaginary friends who are telling him what to do, sometimes supposedly keeping him safe and sometimes demanding he do what he should not (think excessive eating, drinking, sex, drugs) that they are no longer welcome.

Show your Inner Critic the door. You are wiser, bolder, better, more mature and evolved than you ever dreamed to imagine.