A thought leads to a feeling and thus if we were to make notes all day of the goings on in our heads we'd discover that our mind is constantly having feelings too. We might feel relieved to be home, followed by sad at something we hear on the radio, followed by a sense of frustration when we don't get a call back, followed by a sense of pleasure when we bite into that apple. We might feel tired and then elated to note a parcel on the table, and then bewildered when we watch the news on television.
We might be angry with the comment made to us and then feel guilty that we allowed ourselves to anger. We might be annoyed that we know it is better to hold in a thought when we would so like to speak our minds. We may wish feelings away much as we wish away our unwanted thoughts. We may be unaware of nearly all these thoughts and feelings, so immersed in moving forwards through the day that they barely register, until we become mindful of our own mind. Such a busy mind!
Some people think more than others. Some people easily fall into the category of over-thinkers, those people closely related to over-achievers. I am probably guilty of both, in a way, when I am not castigating myself for not achieving more, that is.
Can you imagine therefore how delightful, how utterly delightful it is to give yourself up? Don't think, you're told. Bimbos don't think. An insult, a put down? Never. I, as a bimbo, luxuriate in the non-thinking state. In that state, I can be "excited", "happy", "frightened", "confused". But, as much as it is humanly possible to do so I don't attach these feelings to thoughts. I mean, I know that a thought leads to a feeling and so I must have had a thought. But, it is not registered as such, that's all I can say about that. I'm in the hands of another being that I trust implicitly. I am open to the possibilities presented to me. I've given up my power and the decisions aren't mine to make. That's bliss for me.
So, the feeling is "I am happy" and although I am not aware of the thought, don't mindfully know its presence at all, I must have had a thought on some level. I think the thought is something along the lines of a sense of freedom and pleasure; time out. I'm aware I've been granted a time out and there is thankfulness, gratitude and pleasure, which leads to the expression of the thought, "I am happy", perhaps shared, perhaps not.
I have a friend who expresses her feelings which come from thoughts. She might say, about to enter into a difficult work project, "I am feeling a wee bit vulnerable" which comes from the thought, 'I am nervous about this project and working with particular people and having to perform professionally when I am just a vulnerable person myself, deep down.' I remember when she first started doing this with me and I didn't know what to do with it. Of course I listened, consoled, assured her it was a bit of nerves and she'd be absolutely fine, which she was. But, I don't do that. I don't run around saying, "I feel angry" or "I feel upset" or "I feel nervous" or "I feel incompetent". I just deal with that stuff myself. If I am making those kind of comments about my feelings I am in quite the state, and I hate to be in a state.
If you take the feeling of' 'incompetence' I am experiencing right now, well, I'm not incompetent at all, but the feeling arises from the thought that I am putting off today getting ready for tomorrow. It will get done quite shortly but I am aware I am procrastinating. There's the thought. 'I am procrastinating and that's stupid'. In fact, I've done a great deal of preparation and just need to tie up loose ends, but it's boring too, 'I am bored', and all that dumb thinking in my head has led to an uncomfortable feeling.
We all run around with a bunch of useless thoughts in our heads and wonder why we have an uncomfortable feeling in our body. I suppose it's not all useless. Would we get things done if the voice in our heads didn't whip us into shape?
Over the last several years meditation for me is a time to come home. Home is a place inside myself, the place where peace resides and thoughts are not invited or welcome. What interests me about 'home' is that in a state of as little thought as possible, the thoughts coming and going but not taking hold of the mind, there comes a feeling which is always wonderful. It's a feeling of love, of peace, of gratitude, of understanding; of compassion. It's a feeling of rich wonder at the business of being alive on this Earth in this moment. Non-thinking states create happy feelings, and there's my kink in a nutshell.
My friend once gave me the suggestion under hypnosis, which I think I have mentioned before, 'You have an irresistible desire to go to your cushion'. I absolutely do have an irresistible desire to go to my cushion. Nothing is going to change that now.
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