I've been wondering if it may be the case that some people need constancy more than anything else whilst other people need, well, more than constancy; perhaps more intensity, or more depth, or some growth in their relationship; progression.
I wonder if a Dominant feels some internal calling or signal within himself or herself, to deny that sometimes to the Other, as if there might be too much intensity, or too much depth, or too much growth...as if to say, 'I have to pull back now, put on the brakes for a while'.
It's not a disconnection or a pulling away, though it feels like that to the Other. It's some internal mechanism where there can't be change, and growth is change as much as disconnection is change. It's nothing really at all, nothing to worry about, they might say. It's simply things being the same, in their minds. That is, their feelings haven't changed but somehow or other their landscape has changed. Whether it is an internal or exterior landscape, it is hard to say. But, it is some 'calling' in them to resist, to push back a little from the Other.
It's not a dominant behaviour necessarily. I suspect submissives could feel this way as well, an instinct to go and rest, or ponder alone, or become immersed in anything other than the Other.
Or, that's the way it feels.
I think people sometimes do in fact alter almost unwittingly and this confuses the Other. Something has changed, but it's hard to grab the change, or to understand the change. If a discussion does ensue eventually, the Other is assured there is no change in feelings. And yet, there is some sort of intangible, unexplained change. There is a distraction. There is a felt distance, but whether it is designed and arbitrary, or an unconscious thing, it is hard to say.
Perhaps there is a Truth in all of this, that as people connected to other people, we move closer and then move further apart, perhaps with no particular design or logic to this 'feathering'. They are imperceptible adjustments as we navigate our way through life determining a path for ourselves; sometimes solitary and slightly further apart from those we love until the next adjustment when we reconnect.
The 'feathering' of a rowing boat is a series of minor adjustments so as to reduce air or water resistance. The boat remains steady. The constant and steady emotion of a committed relationship is love, in spite of conscious or unconscious adjustments.
Someone once had the urge to write these song lyrics: 'Rock the boat, don't tip the boat over'. We navigate one another alongside our own needs and desires. We are constantly learning about how best to sail the seas of the human heart.
I wonder if a Dominant feels some internal calling or signal within himself or herself, to deny that sometimes to the Other, as if there might be too much intensity, or too much depth, or too much growth...as if to say, 'I have to pull back now, put on the brakes for a while'.
It's not a disconnection or a pulling away, though it feels like that to the Other. It's some internal mechanism where there can't be change, and growth is change as much as disconnection is change. It's nothing really at all, nothing to worry about, they might say. It's simply things being the same, in their minds. That is, their feelings haven't changed but somehow or other their landscape has changed. Whether it is an internal or exterior landscape, it is hard to say. But, it is some 'calling' in them to resist, to push back a little from the Other.
It's not a dominant behaviour necessarily. I suspect submissives could feel this way as well, an instinct to go and rest, or ponder alone, or become immersed in anything other than the Other.
Or, that's the way it feels.
I think people sometimes do in fact alter almost unwittingly and this confuses the Other. Something has changed, but it's hard to grab the change, or to understand the change. If a discussion does ensue eventually, the Other is assured there is no change in feelings. And yet, there is some sort of intangible, unexplained change. There is a distraction. There is a felt distance, but whether it is designed and arbitrary, or an unconscious thing, it is hard to say.
Perhaps there is a Truth in all of this, that as people connected to other people, we move closer and then move further apart, perhaps with no particular design or logic to this 'feathering'. They are imperceptible adjustments as we navigate our way through life determining a path for ourselves; sometimes solitary and slightly further apart from those we love until the next adjustment when we reconnect.
The 'feathering' of a rowing boat is a series of minor adjustments so as to reduce air or water resistance. The boat remains steady. The constant and steady emotion of a committed relationship is love, in spite of conscious or unconscious adjustments.
Someone once had the urge to write these song lyrics: 'Rock the boat, don't tip the boat over'. We navigate one another alongside our own needs and desires. We are constantly learning about how best to sail the seas of the human heart.
This is a really timely topic. I was just discussing something similar with another slave. She wants to progress in a few specific ways that would be very easy for the Master to indulge (help) her in, but the Master won't, for whatever reason. And I have been racking my brain all day trying to imagine what the reason could possibly be. Perhaps "constancy"... but that seems unfair somehow....?
ReplyDeleteMala: I'm trying to get back into the headspace I was in when I wrote this post. I started with a vague thought I was trying to explore in words and then half way though an image came to mind of a rowing boat. Two of my children were rowers and the image of the crew of eight feathering the boat in unison came to mind; minute, well crafted drills that put the boat where they wanted it to be. I then wondered to what extent a thinking Dominant would want to make these almost imperceptible movements and adjustments of a relationship to keep it steady, constant.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, a Dominant has two thoughts in his mind. First of all, he needs to bed down and maintain the power dynamic such that his control is constant. I think one of the main ways this is done is to institute some expectations that fundamentally are never going to change. It could be anything - kinky or otherwise - but whatever the practice it maintains the constancy of the agreed upon dynamic.
Secondly, it's important to realize that the mind seeks variation and I have to imagine a thinking Dominant understands this. As lovely as summer can be, we end up yearning for the Fall eventually. We're all, some of us more than others, stimulation sponges, who yearn for variation.
In the dynamic I've shared it's rarely easy to ask or to be told why things do or don't change. Constancy can be relied upon but change isn't up to me. I think I've grown used to that; that I don't have input into that decision making. For a time there I got some help with losing the weight I wanted to lose but then the 'help' was one day withdrawn. There was time enough for the necessary changes in my habits to take place such that I could regulate myself by then, but, oh boy, was I upset!
Maybe the Master in question thinks she should make inroads herself without his input; maybe he feels the relationship isn't ready, or that's not his focus for her growth for now. I think, even if one's role is a slave to a Master, there's a personal responsibility to oneself to grow and evolve. Growth happens within in a relationship but much growth happens when one bites the bullet and commits to growth. Maybe the Master in question wants to see her commit to her own growth. In any case, it's something she can do, determine to make the changes herself. I think that's an admirable display of personal power and regardless of the type of relationship dynamic it's important to hold onto personal power.