I can be impulsive. I'm being impulsive now. Writing in this blog is a very public thing to do. God knows where readers come from but they are fast congregating and I'm not silly, I know this blog will be read by the powers that be. My words will be dissected and probably work against me.
You see, in a very tangible and real way, I'm deeply questioning my choices. I'm all grown up. Hell, my four children are all grown up. Although I do indeed have fantasies that put me under the auspices of strict, rigid people (bastards and bitches really, let's be clear) I find myself in a situation where I must tackle these notions of control and compliance with which I have been presented. Don't I need to stop feeding these thoughts that go in a loop, constantly dragging me back into a world that can leave me really quite distraught and unable to function well, like now?
Without doubt, when it is good, it is very good. When all is going well I'm happy, but then something goes wrong, the strict (sadistic) discipline kicks in and I find myself asking, 'What are you doing? You know how debilitating this is for you. Isn't it time to let it go?'
I can hear your mind ticking over already. What has got into her? What has precipitated these feelings? I ask the same question myself. I know the answer but it is painful to share, to admit it even to myself.
I feel disrespected. I feel infantalised. I feel so profoundly uncomfortable with what has gone down in the past several days that I find myself needing to run in the opposite direction. There's a rigidity imposed and a conformity expected that I can't abide. I'm too old to be treated this way, possibly not 'doll' material after all if this sort of treatment is necessary. Bottom line, I'm just deeply, deeply upset and know that I am expected to swallow it. Can't.
I don't know whether to call it 'self respect' or 'sense of self' or 'pride' or 'ego' but there's a hurt here that isn't likely to heal by just papering it over this time. If this sort of dominance is considered necessary (= anything goes to ensure complete compliance) I may have travelled as far into the world of someone else controlling me as it is possible for this woman to go.
You see, in a very tangible and real way, I'm deeply questioning my choices. I'm all grown up. Hell, my four children are all grown up. Although I do indeed have fantasies that put me under the auspices of strict, rigid people (bastards and bitches really, let's be clear) I find myself in a situation where I must tackle these notions of control and compliance with which I have been presented. Don't I need to stop feeding these thoughts that go in a loop, constantly dragging me back into a world that can leave me really quite distraught and unable to function well, like now?
Without doubt, when it is good, it is very good. When all is going well I'm happy, but then something goes wrong, the strict (sadistic) discipline kicks in and I find myself asking, 'What are you doing? You know how debilitating this is for you. Isn't it time to let it go?'
I can hear your mind ticking over already. What has got into her? What has precipitated these feelings? I ask the same question myself. I know the answer but it is painful to share, to admit it even to myself.
I feel disrespected. I feel infantalised. I feel so profoundly uncomfortable with what has gone down in the past several days that I find myself needing to run in the opposite direction. There's a rigidity imposed and a conformity expected that I can't abide. I'm too old to be treated this way, possibly not 'doll' material after all if this sort of treatment is necessary. Bottom line, I'm just deeply, deeply upset and know that I am expected to swallow it. Can't.
I don't know whether to call it 'self respect' or 'sense of self' or 'pride' or 'ego' but there's a hurt here that isn't likely to heal by just papering it over this time. If this sort of dominance is considered necessary (= anything goes to ensure complete compliance) I may have travelled as far into the world of someone else controlling me as it is possible for this woman to go.
Hi, I just found this blog and haven't had time to read through any other bits but this post. What you feel and are processing isn't crazy. It's not even unreasonable. I feel this world is a world of exploration, and what ones journey looks like is not the same as another. I think you should listen to the inner you, and let her guide where you go (and how far you go). If you have reached a limit, then that is your limit. Don't be hard on yourself for having courage to face the truth. I have been doing that myself lately, and it is where you are truly are content, no matter what the outcome. I look forward to reading more of your blog. Best wishes...petals x
ReplyDeletePetals: Well, of course, here I am, not able to sleep beyond 6 am because once my elastic limit has been reached, once I've been driven over the edge, I become so profoundly upset that I can't function properly and this is what confronts me. In a time when I need to be functioning at top level in my day to day life, I can't afford this sort of agitation such as I feel now. And, I do feel quite purposefully and calculatingly agitated, like someone put me in a washing machine and pressed the on button. There are those who would say 'look, just have a talk, and say how you feel' but all that happens is that I come up against this rigidity that has completely set me off, angry in a combustible way, an anger that had me out running last night and about to go walking now at the break of day. I really need to focus in my life right now so I'm just trying to work the anger out of my system as fast as I can and get on with my life soonest.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your advice. I agree I can't ignore this sort of emotional response.
Dear Vesta,
ReplyDeleteIt sounds very much like you hit a wall, or maybe it was him that smacked against it. It's hard when it happens, but you're completely right in reevaluating things. We've been there, maybe not to the point you've been pushed to, or then again maybe exactly...
The point is what your feeling is normal.
If you ever need to talk, you know how to find mouse.
<3 and hugs,
mouse
mouse: It was like a rolling ball of so called 'errors', not one push against my 'wall' but a cascade of them, one hitting me after the other. And then the insult of making fun at me, enjoying my upset. We operate in a space where he enjoys complete control, where 'the doll' really has no say, and I've been 'jarred' for sure. It seems to me, if I accept this injury to my 'self', then what comes next?
ReplyDeleteOh Vesta that does sound awful. Omega has come close to doing that a couple times, but mouse doesn't think to that extreme (where it seems to boarder almost non-consent).
DeleteYou're completely right in questioning this. If the someone who enjoys complete control cannot be completely trustworthy to the one surrendering control. then the problem is huge.
Without trust there simply isn't a dynamic.
Hugs,
mouse
mouse: There was trust and most certainly consent. There is always trust and consent between us. I was being pushed on a couple of fronts at the same time and they challenged me. In hindsight I realize that this was an overreaction. I went a little stir crazy for sure but it wasn't because he did something untrustworthy or that I didn't (or he didn't) have trust. It was a hurdle I had to jump in my mind. Feeling a bit sheepish about the whole episode actually. I'll have a go at writing about it all soon. Thank you for your lovely concern but all is well.
ReplyDeleteOk, having read your reply and your other newer post (assuming they are related) mouse can safely say this is exactly something that's happened between Omega and mouse. Too many times...
DeleteGlad things seem better.
Hugs,
mouse
mouse: Yes, the two posts are related. I don't know about you but when I was a child I was conscious of how easily one could be thought of as a second class citizen. I remember being on a boat once with my mother and we couldn't eat together. I had to eat with the "children" at some ungodly hour like 5 pm. I remember being incensed at this treatment. I remember looking forward to growing up when I finally had the advantages of respect for age. Now I think I've shown I'm a reasonably good candidate for a power exchange relationship but at the same time those feelings about feeling helpless and small remain. There were moments when we talked afterwards when I found the things he typed funny and then, with no warning, I'd get that 'helpless' childhood feeling come over me. I don't seem to have any control over that feeling but later I can analyze it for what it was. I want a boss, I don't want a boss, I want a boss...
ReplyDelete