I've a friend who reminds me from time to time of the very simple truth that a D/s relationship is what you do with the relationship you've got. Since the power exchange relationship is often intense, demanding and challenging it is entirely possible to forget that it must meet the criteria of any well functioning and worthwhile relationship between two (or more) people. There must be at least some modicum of good will and intent; care, fondness at the least; mutual understanding.
It can be difficult to know what a healthy and high functioning relationship looks like if you haven't had one. Even if one is blessed with a well functioning family it's a fifty:fifty thing as to whether a person enters a relationship that brings them succor. One goes along, trying to make it work as best one can until someone looking on might say, "Look, honestly, you deserve better. You don't need to put yourself through this." It is really important to have someone in your life who can point these things out to you. Yes, we all need to learn for ourselves, but reality checks are really, really important.
To give an example, this gal I know was with a boy for a few years. From the outset, he was a bit of a neanderthal: sitting on the couch watching sports games while she did her best to look interested. She'd dress up for him hoping for a compliment but he didn't seem to notice how gorgeous she was and bit by bit her spirits eroded.
"What are you doing with this guy," I'd say. "How long is it going to take you to get over him? Can't you see he is not worth your time?"
In the end, there was nothing to do but encourage her to take a geographical break; to take a long overseas holiday, which she did.
She'd only got as far as a party on a Greek Island when a man told her how beautiful she was, and she reported back to me that she loved how he was making the decisions about what they'd do tomorrow and the tomorrow after that. She'd found her groove.
Later, she met a boy who was enraptured with her; he said she was the most beautiful girl he'd even seen and he, apparently, very quickly made the decision to make her his. A quick comparison told her that what she had back at home was of little value in comparison with what she now had. He loved being with her, wanted her to be happy and could envisage a future together.
If you read even a little about obsession you'll realize that the state of obsession is focusing on something that you don't have. By the very act of obsessing you convince yourself that the person means more than he or she does. By obsessing, you put more into the situation than is there. You focus your energies on the obsession and before you know it, the object of your obsession has taken over most of your head space. The trick, therefore, is to go out and meet new people; to stay busy; to see things for what they are.
Facebook and the like aren't making things easy for people to get over obsessive love. It's all too easy to see what the other is doing when the thing they should be doing is putting a line in the sand; moving on; putting the other out of mind.
On the other hand, I'm not sure that over-reacting is good, either. My daughter's girlfriend went through the cyber stalking phase checking out her ex-boyfriend's moves and words, only to have a one night stand with a man and to feel pretty shitty about that the next day.
Real emotion, whether it be love or affection, has all the hall marks of wanting the other to be happy. Compliments come easily when they are due; shared smiles and laughter come easily and often as well. There's a certain intimacy because the other has been taken into their world. If you're perpetually kept at a distance, confused and off balance, if the other wants to hold all the cards, refusing to reveal himself or herself, that's not a relationship. It may be a D/s sort of game, but it's not a relationship.
There is a tremendous tendency for the person with a submissive nature to feel that they are meant to endure; to accept any and all treatment. But, that's not a real relationship. That's called something else entirely. There's no strong foundation there at all if that's the case and submissive or not, we need to register that we are worth more and deserve more than that.
It can be difficult to know what a healthy and high functioning relationship looks like if you haven't had one. Even if one is blessed with a well functioning family it's a fifty:fifty thing as to whether a person enters a relationship that brings them succor. One goes along, trying to make it work as best one can until someone looking on might say, "Look, honestly, you deserve better. You don't need to put yourself through this." It is really important to have someone in your life who can point these things out to you. Yes, we all need to learn for ourselves, but reality checks are really, really important.
To give an example, this gal I know was with a boy for a few years. From the outset, he was a bit of a neanderthal: sitting on the couch watching sports games while she did her best to look interested. She'd dress up for him hoping for a compliment but he didn't seem to notice how gorgeous she was and bit by bit her spirits eroded.
"What are you doing with this guy," I'd say. "How long is it going to take you to get over him? Can't you see he is not worth your time?"
In the end, there was nothing to do but encourage her to take a geographical break; to take a long overseas holiday, which she did.
She'd only got as far as a party on a Greek Island when a man told her how beautiful she was, and she reported back to me that she loved how he was making the decisions about what they'd do tomorrow and the tomorrow after that. She'd found her groove.
Later, she met a boy who was enraptured with her; he said she was the most beautiful girl he'd even seen and he, apparently, very quickly made the decision to make her his. A quick comparison told her that what she had back at home was of little value in comparison with what she now had. He loved being with her, wanted her to be happy and could envisage a future together.
If you read even a little about obsession you'll realize that the state of obsession is focusing on something that you don't have. By the very act of obsessing you convince yourself that the person means more than he or she does. By obsessing, you put more into the situation than is there. You focus your energies on the obsession and before you know it, the object of your obsession has taken over most of your head space. The trick, therefore, is to go out and meet new people; to stay busy; to see things for what they are.
Facebook and the like aren't making things easy for people to get over obsessive love. It's all too easy to see what the other is doing when the thing they should be doing is putting a line in the sand; moving on; putting the other out of mind.
On the other hand, I'm not sure that over-reacting is good, either. My daughter's girlfriend went through the cyber stalking phase checking out her ex-boyfriend's moves and words, only to have a one night stand with a man and to feel pretty shitty about that the next day.
Real emotion, whether it be love or affection, has all the hall marks of wanting the other to be happy. Compliments come easily when they are due; shared smiles and laughter come easily and often as well. There's a certain intimacy because the other has been taken into their world. If you're perpetually kept at a distance, confused and off balance, if the other wants to hold all the cards, refusing to reveal himself or herself, that's not a relationship. It may be a D/s sort of game, but it's not a relationship.
There is a tremendous tendency for the person with a submissive nature to feel that they are meant to endure; to accept any and all treatment. But, that's not a real relationship. That's called something else entirely. There's no strong foundation there at all if that's the case and submissive or not, we need to register that we are worth more and deserve more than that.
Another beautifully polished nugget of wisdom. Very well said. The frequency of your writing may have diminished but the quality certainly has not.
ReplyDeleteWhat a classy submissive you are.
I loved your post. This is really an in-depth analysis of what submission is and what may seem like one, but is not.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing.
Rollymo: Thank you.
ReplyDeleteDavid F: Thank you and welcome to the journal.