Attention

 I'm aware of power dynamics where it is all, or very close to all, serious. There are lighthearted moments, I don't doubt, but it's so clearly defined that there isn't all that much wiggle room. I had a brief email exchange with one dominant man very recently who seemed to be very much like that. All good, except it's not the style of dynamic that keeps me up at night embodying the thrill of it all; in other words, getting hot and bothered.

To be sure, the fantasies are strict and exacting. It's the fastest route to orgasm, I have to say. I don't doubt that for a moment, which is why it happens that way, not just for me but for countless women. You go where you need to, to get the required result.

In real life, my mind goes to a much more nuanced dance with a dominant man. Think of Lee, in the Secretary here. Remember the last moment when she throws a bug in the bed? Hopefully, I remembered the last few moments correctly. That's the sort of thing I mean. I think of it as a game of sorts where there are rules, there are expectations, but there's also some space for a subtle and oh so erotic seduction of the power.

When I was writing up a contract which we had talked about together at length, which is yet to be looked over and signed by my husband, but will hopefully happen soon, we wanted to think up a fake rule. That is, it wasn't an important rule, what I called 'standing orders' but rather a rule that was a clear indication more power needed to be expressed, and soon.

I have always had trouble thinking up what that would be. My husband gave me a couple of thoughts and in the end, I wrote up that if I left clean laundry on his pillow at night, that was the sign. I liked this in the end because one of the standing orders is that I turn down his side of the bed, and to arrive there and find laundry on the pillow...well, you can't ignore that, can you?

The way these fake rules were explained to me, it's important to understand the cave you are walking into here, and I suppose, the bear that manages the cage you are rattling. There's no part two of the fake rule indicating the consequences of failure to abide. You take what you are given from there on. 

I must say, I do like this. I find this quite the turn on; a mix of hilarity with fear, which definitely floats my boat.

If the power dynamic were all serious, I'm not sure it would entirely suit my slightly irreverent state of mind. All seriousness somehow implies to me that I am morally, intellectually and common-sense wise inferior, which doesn't really...fit. 

It's hard to imagine a life when I didn't sometimes point out, in sweet terms and with a wry smile, that my idea might be better than his. Or, that just maybe he was being a tad too serious.

In younger years, my husband would often say, 'I'm serious'. Of course, I knew that. So, I started calling him 'Mr. Serious' in the hopes he might see a lighter side of the situation. I haven't called him that for many years and he hasn't said he was serious for many years, so maybe that worked.

Now, this is not to say I don't want him to notice any breaches in the contract. If he doesn't notice, if he doesn't give me his attention in this way, well, what's the point? I very much want to be accountable because that's where the arousal sits. There's something about being caged that is so freeing. Did I mention it's about attention for me?

I am fortunate to have had good health overall in my life and especially in the past 30 years, and so it's sort of become normal for my husband to think I have boundless energy. When I do inevitably run out of gas, he's not likely to notice. I have to explain this to him.

There's the infamous moment in Singapore many years ago when I had unbearable pain. We were in the lobby of a lovely hotel awaiting another couple, my husband's head in a newspaper and me fighting waves of period pain unlike anything I had ever experienced. I told him I was going to the pharmacy, but the tablets did nothing to assuage the pain. 

Eventually, I got his attention and told him I was about to faint with the pain. He burst to attention then and engineered my entry into a taxi that took us to our hotel where I promptly went to sleep. (If you are a woman reading this and experience intense period pain, provide yourself with a deep orgasm and this will cut the pain at least in half and allow you to sleep.)

It is with a deep sense of jealousy that I think of women in power exchange with men who can't wait to provide oodles of attention, even if that attention comes holding implements or a laying down of the law. It's attention. It's attention. The dance has begun.

I am inching my way closer to dance, literally speaking. I have found a dance studio close by. Anything somatic. Anything kinesthetic. It's flow, it's movement, it's attending to this moment of this life.

My God, I can't wait to see Nicole Kidman in Babygirl. The shorts have me totally smitten. Nicole said in one interview that playing that woman was a highlight of her life. She might have even gone further.

It's not often a woman gets the chance to submerge herself in the role of a babygirl, a slut, a bimbo, a slave, whatever floats your boat. It's so exhilarating and relaxing at the same time. It's complete authenticity in my case. For me too, it's one of the highlights of my life.

I said to my husband recently, 'I don't know why I am the way I am. I am some sort of throwback to a much more ancient civilization.' Honestly, life would have been simpler if I was not this way but there's not a thing I can do about it.

I must surely have written about the time I was taken into trance and lived, for a precious hour or so, the life of a slave girl. There wasn't a single moment when I wasn't living and loving that life. Even being in trouble, and that's not exactly an easy place for me, since I don't like to displease (and therefore get told off in no uncertain terms), is a super-hot memory.

There was, however, one second where I was ever so slightly out of trance. The hypnotist said this. "And sometimes you will be punished, but that's okay, because you will still be getting attention.'

I had one side of my head resting on an ottoman as I was listening to him telling me this story, and I smiled. He had my number.  This, dear reader, is the truth. 

Grief and sadness

 Do you ever wonder how someone really feels about you? Do you ever find yourself thinking someone's behavior is a little strange, and put some judgment around that?

We can play ducks and drakes with someone for years, barely giving them a hint that we like them, or care about them or would miss them if they vanished.

I wonder why that is. We all have our reasons, but I am guessing it is often about not wanting to be embarrassed, or rejected, or scorned.

Maybe there's good evidence to the fact that they actually like you, but do they like you enough to do only something, but not enough to do something else. 

You are caught in the cross hairs. What does it all mean??

A dominant man, as in a really dominant man, dominant down to his bones, has, as far as I can tell, an agenda. It might be naughty, it might be nice; it might be to help, it might be to please themselves. 

The thing is they don't share their agendas really, so you don't really know what's behind the facade.

You know, you have all the terminology. 'Good girl' What does that even mean? That you pleased them? That you are going along with the unsaid plan? That you don't raise objections?

It can get even more obtuse. 'Be your best self'. 'Operate for your highest good'.

I looked that one up, the last one, and nobody can define that one, because it means something specific to each person, if they have thought about it at all.

I'm not criticizing exactly, but these unsaid plans seem to be based around change, maybe transformation. On one level, it's all good, but what if the limitations of the humble man are also those of the dominant? Just maybe he doesn't have the power to alter the Universe's plan. Maybe, there isn't a win: win in this scenario.

I like it right here in the present moment, one simple breath at a time: expecting nothing. There's nothing to hope for, to wish for, to adjust and adapt. It's just what is. It's me as the observer, simply noticing.

There's all this striving you can do in the hope of wonderful outcomes, or there's no striving in particular, apart from what one really must do. You decide.

As I wrote that last line I realized, 'ah yes, that's the submissive's sweet spot.' Just sit right here and let it all play out. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go.

David, my dear blog friend David, who passed on some years ago, once said to me about submission, 'you give everything up and you see what you get back'.

I'd be happy with that deal except that there are times as a submissive when it hurts too much. I mean it hurts too much when the connection is lost or supposedly requires severing for a time.

There's been a lot of severing over time. I never knew there could be quite so much of it.

I heard an explanation of grief recently. It never goes away they said but if your life is a big circle and the grief starts off as nearly as big a circle as your life, over time the circle will become smaller. It will find its place in your life and in that way, whilst you will always have the grief, it will be more comfortable, and you'll manage better.

I think I prefer this idea. You hear a knock at your door. You answer it. 

'Ah grief, you're back, old friend. Please do come in and sit with me for a while. Turns out it is one of those days for you to visit.'

In a while, you will walk grief to the door and thank her for coming, knowing that she will return another day.

'Thank you for coming, grief. I know you need to do this, and I won't shun you no matter how many times you need to visit. Take care. Goodbye for now.'

A sad day rolls over me. I accept it. This is the way it is for we humans. 

'

Do your job

 A lifetime ago I wrote about active and passive submission. Refer to October 21st, 2010 if you want to read it. I have forgotten how to hyperlink here, sorry.

As I look back on my history, I realize just how steadfastly ingrained it was that I wanted and expected the Dominant to be all-knowing, all wanting, all controlling.

I worked on this in the past year in an intensive way. I had some hypnotherapy around it, and I can't fault the efforts that were made for me to overcome this built in message. We practiced me being active. 'I want you to take me'. 

Yet, something was still holding me back. It honestly felt like wild horses couldn't convince me to be active in saying what I wanted.

Conjuring the construction of a scene. I thought, until oh so recently was the work of the Dominant. I was the submissive. It just wasn't my responsibility.

I wish I could construct the path that led me to see things differently. Certainly, I listened to many podcasts where the Dominant and submissive were playing a part - sometimes negotiating, and sometimes just talking through a scene; how they thought it might go.

I listened to a podcast recently where even the Aftercare was discussed, and it was determined that the submissive didn't want to be told it wasn't real. To the contrary, she wanted to be told that it was ALL real and she really was dirty and slutty and bad. Or words to that effect.

My. God. I just didn't know that this was all possible. 

You mean, you can ask for that??

I was doing nothing in particular this morning, though we had had a little mini-scene, and I felt light and content, when it occurred to me, as if I had invented this brand-new thing...I could write a scene. I could say how I wanted it to go. I could ask not to be too comforted in the aftercare, but rather that it be stated that it was all real, I really was a slavegirl at heart and I really did need to know my place.

How wondrous! How exciting! And, and it's a very big and, the thought didn't make me feel less submissive, it made me feel more submissive, more invested in the submission.

And the kicker is, it's likely to make him happy and safe that I have asked for exactly what I want, declaratively.

Will he still look out for me in a scene? Of course. Will he still note the reactions? I am sure he will. But he will be encouraged to think about the script. So, she looks uncomfortable, and her ass is no doubt smarting...well, she asked for it...

Let's be upfront here. This is not a new message. I have heard it before, many times. But, something clicked this week, a little more day by day.

I'm not sure this will make sense to the reader, but I think that what happened was that I was missing strength. It's a word that has come up in my personal writings a great deal. It was as if I embraced that I have to do this.

The words, 'Do your job' had come up in fantasies for months. I think that I had finally embraced the fact that this was my job, at least sometimes. 

This was simply my job.

Truth and love

 

"When I despair, I remember that the way of truth and love has always won. There may be tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it: always."

-- Gandi

Rethinking the Contract

 I have a question that rumbles around in my brain; held towards the back of my consciousness, but even so, consistently present. 

'How do I keep my husband in the game of a D/s dynamic?'

There is a simple fact that must be allowed for, and it is that his mind is both externally focused and also that it is extremely busy. He, for example, doesn't mean to interrupt me mid-sentence but it happens often, because when I start saying something he has a thought and that thought insists on being expressed immediately. It's just part of having ADHD and I know he means me no harm.

On that, improvement has been made. A few years back, if I mentioned that he had interrupted me, self-hatred had him projecting out his feelings on me. That's rare now. I can say, 'may I finish my sentence?' and he is quick to say, 'Yes, yes'.

The obvious answer to my above question is a Contract, an Agreement, and yet he hasn't felt he has the time, or the skill set, and frankly the inclination, to get this done. He thought he had given that task to someone we engaged to help us with that, but it never happened in a way he felt satisfied with. Thus, it remains on the extremely long 'to do' list.

Well, actually I did it myself to the best of my ability, but it truly is a two-person job, and that means we need to sit down and get it done together.

Another characteristic of ADHD is that those people with that particular type of brain find starting things and finishing things rather difficult. This is most especially the case, obviously enough, if they feel they don't have the skill set to do something.

So, I thought I would revisit this on my own and then reintroduce the Contract idea with the hope of some mutual agreement going forth.

If I were to be asked, 'what do you want most?' it wouldn't be where someone is controlling me. I don't want supervision to not smoke and the like. I have a strong sense of independence. I don't, for example, want someone saying, 'I want you to cook a meal for me.' What a waste of a statement. I have been doing that consistently for nearly 50 years. Looking after someone is my jam.

I initiate many things and advancements in our lives, especially once I realized that he secretly enjoyed me doing so. For years there was that push/pull that he wanted to control many things, didn't get them done, I initiated the thing, and that actually pleased him. Slowly, I realized I had more control to improve our lives than I had realized.

What I want is sexual satisfaction. I don't need to have this three times a week, but I do need to have it on some sort of a regular basis. I used to think it lost its meaning if I asked for this, and in some respects, I still do, since I enjoy being 'taken'.

However, I think it would be a game changer if I thought about this as a monthly thing; that is, in November, I would like to have at least one experience where I had a massive orgasm (he knows full well how to achieve this) and at least one experience where I felt the submission in a sexually charged way. This could be using the equipment he bought earlier in the year - the collar, the leash etc. Or it could be using rope to tie me for a Saturday afternoon. Whatever. I just want to know that every few weeks I can feel into that part of my personality.

So, if he agrees to give me that, and let's face it, only he can, since he would never agree to me having a play partner, what can I give him? Well, duh, whatever he wants. The problem is when I ask him what he wants he doesn't really have an answer. 

So, referencing the above strategy, I need to initiate something that he might like and that might get the ball rolling. A full body massage? For him to insert (in me) a butt plug, that size increasing over time? I have to think of something that would entice him to think of play as something that works in his favor, and that has a timeline. A month seems right to me; that's four weeks which gives lots of wiggle time but also demands that satisfaction takes place within the month, keeping everyone honest.

We did try a weekly spanking, but I didn't see that as really bringing us together in a way I had hoped. Sure, receiving a spanking is a submissive act, but pain in and of itself didn't really work for me. It didn't get into that bimbo part I wanted to dig down to; the usery and sluttiness.

When I did a meditation that was designed to heal my core feminine wound, I was asked to say (I think I have this right) 'I see you. I feel you. You are welcome here. I am sorry. Thank you'. Immediately, cindi, the bimbo slut came to mind. She deserves her time, you know? She's no small part of my psyche.

Fantasy, anticipation, emanation

Whilst I have never before had much interest in Astrology, my dabble into that field lately has shown up such synchronicity that it is now impossible for me to dismiss it.

It is believed, according to the day and time I was born, in a particular location on this planet, that my challenge was destined to be 'fantasy'. To try to put that into my own words and based on what I have read, I have been a seeker of experiences of joy, but perhaps looking in the wrong places. 

I have had experiences, wanted more experiences like those experiences and I have done this because I saw, or shall we say 'felt' a connection between those experiences and the divine. To put that another way, those experiences expressed themselves to me as attaining the nothingness with which we come into the world and the nothingness with which we leave the world.

I completely resonate with this 'truth'. I had an experience early on in my adulthood. The Earth stood still as I orgasmed. The sense of nothingness, of emptiness, of ecstatic joy were all rolled together in my mind. Once I had had that experience, I wanted more.

For some astrological thinkers, this is the 'challenge' of living through fantasy, and most particularly sexual fantasy. For others, it's called 'dissatisfaction'. I am, it is said, chasing joy, interfering with the natural processes by trying to create the thing I think will bring joy.

From my end, I know such experiences have brought me great joy, but I also know that they can't be relied upon, because those attempts don't consider the needs of my surroundings - that being that my husband is far less into those experiences than me and I cannot attain those experiences without him. They come but they come spasmodically. His mind is busy and it's really hard for him to turn it off such as to focus on consistent great sexual experiences that honestly bring us both great joy when they do happen.

In the literature I have read, I don't need to be burdened by the fact that I have been born with this challenge, otherwise known as a feminine core wound. I can find my vitality and power in other ways. I can achieve that sense of emptiness; that void that comes to me when my body sings, in other ways.

Of course, I am willing to explore this. A correspondent on tumblr once told me that sexuality was not my spiritual path but just one path to the Highest Path. That was years and years ago and it seems he was right.

With a rather good understanding now of what that means, of course I am willing to learn the lessons in an even deeper way.

Alas, I am also aware that neither my body nor my mind will willingly sacrifice the 'fantasy' of high sexual charge; of being reduced to nothingness; no-one; nobody. It's been in my wiring for a very long time. 

It is written that the power of Grace will ensure that all my dreams will ultimately come true, but only when I understand what my highest dreams really are.

I understand the words. I know I have seen glimpses of my highest dreams in sexual experiences, and I know there is a higher purpose behind those desires.  I perhaps underestimated the power and value of other forms of the present moment, those experiences I can achieve on my own, where the end returns us back to the start. I have experienced those states too, and very recently so. I will try to put those experiences down soon.

I believe that my 'fantasy' was for my Highest Good - equanimity - but perhaps the vehicle for the ride requires revisiting, given the lack of compatibility with my environment. Perhaps, it is thought, I need to include the Highest good of other people. I admit I have felt this in my bones for some time. When I am not leading a meditation group, I yearn for those opportunities to assist others.

I'm told Venus holds more information for me. Happy to learn. I will return when I know more.

Mind states

 I was mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, as one does, when I came across a post about empaths, not out of the ordinary for me since my Instagram feed is full of psychology, spirituality, fashion advice, minimalism advice, gardening advice or interior design. Oh yes, lots of dance and recipes too.

The post made the point that empaths will find themselves drawing away from people and circumstances that induce in them a sense of lack of authenticity. That's so true. I feel like I can spot a lie a mile away, since it registers in my body like the clang of a symbol made at the wrong time of a symphony. It's impossible to miss.

It's tricky though because if one were to call these statements or moments out, life would get very uncomfortable, for me and the person being inauthentic. Invariably, I remain quiet, as if I hadn't noticed. Sometimes, this quietude can be self-recriminating. Why didn't you say you didn't believe him/her? I will ask myself, knowing the answer: that it's more than the other person can take. 

I think Bali has changed me in a way, a deepening of the desire for quietude and solitude. I listened this morning to a podcast about people who can pay to live in a little hobbit cave for a period of, usually, 3-5 days, in complete solitude, in the dark.

The man who runs this facility talked about a woman who was struggling. Whilst it wasn't described in detail, I think there is an opportunity to call or press a button or something if you need help. I think he can talk to her without being with her. He asked her about her struggle, and she said that she feared that this, this experience, would go on forever.

He said to her, then you have a choice. You can resist it or lean into it. He talked to her the next day, and he reported to the listeners that she had gone into a much quieter and more comfortable space and was happy to proceed.

There's a teaching there, I believe. We all struggle against something, sometime. I don't think anyone isn't struggling with something. These emotions and feelings come up for the most rich and creative and externally successful of people. 

So, what can we do? Do we resist the feeling, the emotion? Or do we lean into it?

There's a part of my personality that wants to achieve, to move forward; to fix what is broken, and I mean that literally. I like well running things. I am married to someone less troubled by his external environment. Yes, he has the intention to do something, but it can wait. 

Do I resist this or lean into it? The truth is I have needed to learn new skills and not just patience. You can be patient for the rest of your life, but the fact is each individual needs to manifest something. That is the starting point. It might be a stronger body or a renovated house or a family. It all starts with an intention and then to see that intention through.

So, patience, yes. For some people, starting something and then ending it, is the hard part. Manifestation in the mind is not necessarily compromised, but actionable steps are. So, although I still believe there's a submissive aspect to my personality, there's also an action-oriented aspect too, and I am just not happy with a static environment for a prolonged time. I like to create.

This is not to say that I don't adore doing nothing, the opposite of creation. When I am at my mother's house, not occupied by anyone, I prefer to not have any external stimulus. I like to sit on a bench in the garden and watch the gum trees in front of me. That's my kind of bliss: silence.

But I have been on silent retreats and my mind eventually goes to something I can do. Whilst I love to just be, there's a doing part of me that can only rest for so long.

I once attended a presentation, a sort of soundscape, down in the old Sailor's Guild at the edge of my city, near the water, and when I returned to the street to go back to the car, I suddenly realized that our city is awash with the sounds of seagulls. It hit me; a realization only available to me when my senses had become attuned to their cry against all the other sounds of the city.

I can only imagine that after one exits the silent, dark bunker that life is aglow with an energy of which we can barely conceive. I remember distinctly being in Colorado, high in the mountains and feeling so alive my chest was thumping with an exuberant energy. I felt like John Denver on steroids. 

Nothing would delight me more than to be around people with these sorts of interests: to explore different states of consciousness. I came across one American in Bali and he was going back to the US peremptorily because he had landed a spot in a sacred plant medicine retreat. I was incredibly jealous, but delighted to have had the opportunity to chat.

I am extraordinarily grateful for the inventions of my time. To have access to people who create podcasts about these states is a beautiful addition and contribution to humanity.