Grief and sadness

 Do you ever wonder how someone really feels about you? Do you ever find yourself thinking someone's behavior is a little strange, and put some judgment around that?

We can play ducks and drakes with someone for years, barely giving them a hint that we like them, or care about them or would miss them if they vanished.

I wonder why that is. We all have our reasons, but I am guessing it is often about not wanting to be embarrassed, or rejected, or scorned.

Maybe there's good evidence to the fact that they actually like you, but do they like you enough to do only something, but not enough to do something else. 

You are caught in the cross hairs. What does it all mean??

A dominant man, as in a really dominant man, dominant down to his bones, has, as far as I can tell, an agenda. It might be naughty, it might be nice; it might be to help, it might be to please themselves. 

The thing is they don't share their agendas really, so you don't really know what's behind the facade.

You know, you have all the terminology. 'Good girl' What does that even mean? That you pleased them? That you are going along with the unsaid plan? That you don't raise objections?

It can get even more obtuse. 'Be your best self'. 'Operate for your highest good'.

I looked that one up, the last one, and nobody can define that one, because it means something specific to each person, if they have thought about it at all.

I'm not criticizing exactly, but these unsaid plans seem to be based around change, maybe transformation. On one level, it's all good, but what if the limitations of the humble man are also those of the dominant? Just maybe he doesn't have the power to alter the Universe's plan. Maybe, there isn't a win: win in this scenario.

I like it right here in the present moment, one simple breath at a time: expecting nothing. There's nothing to hope for, to wish for, to adjust and adapt. It's just what is. It's me as the observer, simply noticing.

There's all this striving you can do in the hope of wonderful outcomes, or there's no striving in particular, apart from what one really must do. You decide.

As I wrote that last line I realized, 'ah yes, that's the submissive's sweet spot.' Just sit right here and let it all play out. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go.

David, my dear blog friend David, who passed on some years ago, once said to me about submission, 'you give everything up and you see what you get back'.

I'd be happy with that deal except that there are times as a submissive when it hurts too much. I mean it hurts too much when the connection is lost or supposedly requires severing for a time.

There's been a lot of severing over time. I never knew there could be quite so much of it.

I heard an explanation of grief recently. It never goes away they said but if your life is a big circle and the grief starts off as nearly as big a circle as your life, over time the circle will become smaller. It will find its place in your life and in that way, whilst you will always have the grief, it will be more comfortable, and you'll manage better.

I think I prefer this idea. You hear a knock at your door. You answer it. 

'Ah grief, you're back, old friend. Please do come in and sit with me for a while. Turns out it is one of those days for you to visit.'

In a while, you will walk grief to the door and thank her for coming, knowing that she will return another day.

'Thank you for coming, grief. I know you need to do this, and I won't shun you no matter how many times you need to visit. Take care. Goodbye for now.'

A sad day rolls over me. I accept it. This is the way it is for we humans. 

'

Do your job

 A lifetime ago I wrote about active and passive submission. Refer to October 21st, 2010 if you want to read it. I have forgotten how to hyperlink here, sorry.

As I look back on my history, I realize just how steadfastly ingrained it was that I wanted and expected the Dominant to be all-knowing, all wanting, all controlling.

I worked on this in the past year in an intensive way. I had some hypnotherapy around it, and I can't fault the efforts that were made for me to overcome this built in message. We practiced me being active. 'I want you to take me'. 

Yet, something was still holding me back. It honestly felt like wild horses couldn't convince me to be active in saying what I wanted.

Conjuring the construction of a scene. I thought, until oh so recently was the work of the Dominant. I was the submissive. It just wasn't my responsibility.

I wish I could construct the path that led me to see things differently. Certainly, I listened to many podcasts where the Dominant and submissive were playing a part - sometimes negotiating, and sometimes just talking through a scene; how they thought it might go.

I listened to a podcast recently where even the Aftercare was discussed, and it was determined that the submissive didn't want to be told it wasn't real. To the contrary, she wanted to be told that it was ALL real and she really was dirty and slutty and bad. Or words to that effect.

My. God. I just didn't know that this was all possible. 

You mean, you can ask for that??

I was doing nothing in particular this morning, though we had had a little mini-scene, and I felt light and content, when it occurred to me, as if I had invented this brand-new thing...I could write a scene. I could say how I wanted it to go. I could ask not to be too comforted in the aftercare, but rather that it be stated that it was all real, I really was a slavegirl at heart and I really did need to know my place.

How wondrous! How exciting! And, and it's a very big and, the thought didn't make me feel less submissive, it made me feel more submissive, more invested in the submission.

And the kicker is, it's likely to make him happy and safe that I have asked for exactly what I want, declaratively.

Will he still look out for me in a scene? Of course. Will he still note the reactions? I am sure he will. But he will be encouraged to think about the script. So, she looks uncomfortable, and her ass is no doubt smarting...well, she asked for it...

Let's be upfront here. This is not a new message. I have heard it before, many times. But, something clicked this week, a little more day by day.

I'm not sure this will make sense to the reader, but I think that what happened was that I was missing strength. It's a word that has come up in my personal writings a great deal. It was as if I embraced that I have to do this.

The words, 'Do your job' had come up in fantasies for months. I think that I had finally embraced the fact that this was my job, at least sometimes. 

This was simply my job.

Truth and love

 

"When I despair, I remember that the way of truth and love has always won. There may be tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it: always."

-- Gandi

Rethinking the Contract

 I have a question that rumbles around in my brain; held towards the back of my consciousness, but even so, consistently present. 

'How do I keep my husband in the game of a D/s dynamic?'

There is a simple fact that must be allowed for, and it is that his mind is both externally focused and also that it is extremely busy. He, for example, doesn't mean to interrupt me mid-sentence but it happens often, because when I start saying something he has a thought and that thought insists on being expressed immediately. It's just part of having ADHD and I know he means me no harm.

On that, improvement has been made. A few years back, if I mentioned that he had interrupted me, self-hatred had him projecting out his feelings on me. That's rare now. I can say, 'may I finish my sentence?' and he is quick to say, 'Yes, yes'.

The obvious answer to my above question is a Contract, an Agreement, and yet he hasn't felt he has the time, or the skill set, and frankly the inclination, to get this done. He thought he had given that task to someone we engaged to help us with that, but it never happened in a way he felt satisfied with. Thus, it remains on the extremely long 'to do' list.

Well, actually I did it myself to the best of my ability, but it truly is a two-person job, and that means we need to sit down and get it done together.

Another characteristic of ADHD is that those people with that particular type of brain find starting things and finishing things rather difficult. This is most especially the case, obviously enough, if they feel they don't have the skill set to do something.

So, I thought I would revisit this on my own and then reintroduce the Contract idea with the hope of some mutual agreement going forth.

If I were to be asked, 'what do you want most?' it wouldn't be where someone is controlling me. I don't want supervision to not smoke and the like. I have a strong sense of independence. I don't, for example, want someone saying, 'I want you to cook a meal for me.' What a waste of a statement. I have been doing that consistently for nearly 50 years. Looking after someone is my jam.

I initiate many things and advancements in our lives, especially once I realized that he secretly enjoyed me doing so. For years there was that push/pull that he wanted to control many things, didn't get them done, I initiated the thing, and that actually pleased him. Slowly, I realized I had more control to improve our lives than I had realized.

What I want is sexual satisfaction. I don't need to have this three times a week, but I do need to have it on some sort of a regular basis. I used to think it lost its meaning if I asked for this, and in some respects, I still do, since I enjoy being 'taken'.

However, I think it would be a game changer if I thought about this as a monthly thing; that is, in November, I would like to have at least one experience where I had a massive orgasm (he knows full well how to achieve this) and at least one experience where I felt the submission in a sexually charged way. This could be using the equipment he bought earlier in the year - the collar, the leash etc. Or it could be using rope to tie me for a Saturday afternoon. Whatever. I just want to know that every few weeks I can feel into that part of my personality.

So, if he agrees to give me that, and let's face it, only he can, since he would never agree to me having a play partner, what can I give him? Well, duh, whatever he wants. The problem is when I ask him what he wants he doesn't really have an answer. 

So, referencing the above strategy, I need to initiate something that he might like and that might get the ball rolling. A full body massage? For him to insert (in me) a butt plug, that size increasing over time? I have to think of something that would entice him to think of play as something that works in his favor, and that has a timeline. A month seems right to me; that's four weeks which gives lots of wiggle time but also demands that satisfaction takes place within the month, keeping everyone honest.

We did try a weekly spanking, but I didn't see that as really bringing us together in a way I had hoped. Sure, receiving a spanking is a submissive act, but pain in and of itself didn't really work for me. It didn't get into that bimbo part I wanted to dig down to; the usery and sluttiness.

When I did a meditation that was designed to heal my core feminine wound, I was asked to say (I think I have this right) 'I see you. I feel you. You are welcome here. I am sorry. Thank you'. Immediately, cindi, the bimbo slut came to mind. She deserves her time, you know? She's no small part of my psyche.

Fantasy, anticipation, emanation

Whilst I have never before had much interest in Astrology, my dabble into that field lately has shown up such synchronicity that it is now impossible for me to dismiss it.

It is believed, according to the day and time I was born, in a particular location on this planet, that my challenge was destined to be 'fantasy'. To try to put that into my own words and based on what I have read, I have been a seeker of experiences of joy, but perhaps looking in the wrong places. 

I have had experiences, wanted more experiences like those experiences and I have done this because I saw, or shall we say 'felt' a connection between those experiences and the divine. To put that another way, those experiences expressed themselves to me as attaining the nothingness with which we come into the world and the nothingness with which we leave the world.

I completely resonate with this 'truth'. I had an experience early on in my adulthood. The Earth stood still as I orgasmed. The sense of nothingness, of emptiness, of ecstatic joy were all rolled together in my mind. Once I had had that experience, I wanted more.

For some astrological thinkers, this is the 'challenge' of living through fantasy, and most particularly sexual fantasy. For others, it's called 'dissatisfaction'. I am, it is said, chasing joy, interfering with the natural processes by trying to create the thing I think will bring joy.

From my end, I know such experiences have brought me great joy, but I also know that they can't be relied upon, because those attempts don't consider the needs of my surroundings - that being that my husband is far less into those experiences than me and I cannot attain those experiences without him. They come but they come spasmodically. His mind is busy and it's really hard for him to turn it off such as to focus on consistent great sexual experiences that honestly bring us both great joy when they do happen.

In the literature I have read, I don't need to be burdened by the fact that I have been born with this challenge, otherwise known as a feminine core wound. I can find my vitality and power in other ways. I can achieve that sense of emptiness; that void that comes to me when my body sings, in other ways.

Of course, I am willing to explore this. A correspondent on tumblr once told me that sexuality was not my spiritual path but just one path to the Highest Path. That was years and years ago and it seems he was right.

With a rather good understanding now of what that means, of course I am willing to learn the lessons in an even deeper way.

Alas, I am also aware that neither my body nor my mind will willingly sacrifice the 'fantasy' of high sexual charge; of being reduced to nothingness; no-one; nobody. It's been in my wiring for a very long time. 

It is written that the power of Grace will ensure that all my dreams will ultimately come true, but only when I understand what my highest dreams really are.

I understand the words. I know I have seen glimpses of my highest dreams in sexual experiences, and I know there is a higher purpose behind those desires.  I perhaps underestimated the power and value of other forms of the present moment, those experiences I can achieve on my own, where the end returns us back to the start. I have experienced those states too, and very recently so. I will try to put those experiences down soon.

I believe that my 'fantasy' was for my Highest Good - equanimity - but perhaps the vehicle for the ride requires revisiting, given the lack of compatibility with my environment. Perhaps, it is thought, I need to include the Highest good of other people. I admit I have felt this in my bones for some time. When I am not leading a meditation group, I yearn for those opportunities to assist others.

I'm told Venus holds more information for me. Happy to learn. I will return when I know more.

Mind states

 I was mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, as one does, when I came across a post about empaths, not out of the ordinary for me since my Instagram feed is full of psychology, spirituality, fashion advice, minimalism advice, gardening advice or interior design. Oh yes, lots of dance and recipes too.

The post made the point that empaths will find themselves drawing away from people and circumstances that induce in them a sense of lack of authenticity. That's so true. I feel like I can spot a lie a mile away, since it registers in my body like the clang of a symbol made at the wrong time of a symphony. It's impossible to miss.

It's tricky though because if one were to call these statements or moments out, life would get very uncomfortable, for me and the person being inauthentic. Invariably, I remain quiet, as if I hadn't noticed. Sometimes, this quietude can be self-recriminating. Why didn't you say you didn't believe him/her? I will ask myself, knowing the answer: that it's more than the other person can take. 

I think Bali has changed me in a way, a deepening of the desire for quietude and solitude. I listened this morning to a podcast about people who can pay to live in a little hobbit cave for a period of, usually, 3-5 days, in complete solitude, in the dark.

The man who runs this facility talked about a woman who was struggling. Whilst it wasn't described in detail, I think there is an opportunity to call or press a button or something if you need help. I think he can talk to her without being with her. He asked her about her struggle, and she said that she feared that this, this experience, would go on forever.

He said to her, then you have a choice. You can resist it or lean into it. He talked to her the next day, and he reported to the listeners that she had gone into a much quieter and more comfortable space and was happy to proceed.

There's a teaching there, I believe. We all struggle against something, sometime. I don't think anyone isn't struggling with something. These emotions and feelings come up for the most rich and creative and externally successful of people. 

So, what can we do? Do we resist the feeling, the emotion? Or do we lean into it?

There's a part of my personality that wants to achieve, to move forward; to fix what is broken, and I mean that literally. I like well running things. I am married to someone less troubled by his external environment. Yes, he has the intention to do something, but it can wait. 

Do I resist this or lean into it? The truth is I have needed to learn new skills and not just patience. You can be patient for the rest of your life, but the fact is each individual needs to manifest something. That is the starting point. It might be a stronger body or a renovated house or a family. It all starts with an intention and then to see that intention through.

So, patience, yes. For some people, starting something and then ending it, is the hard part. Manifestation in the mind is not necessarily compromised, but actionable steps are. So, although I still believe there's a submissive aspect to my personality, there's also an action-oriented aspect too, and I am just not happy with a static environment for a prolonged time. I like to create.

This is not to say that I don't adore doing nothing, the opposite of creation. When I am at my mother's house, not occupied by anyone, I prefer to not have any external stimulus. I like to sit on a bench in the garden and watch the gum trees in front of me. That's my kind of bliss: silence.

But I have been on silent retreats and my mind eventually goes to something I can do. Whilst I love to just be, there's a doing part of me that can only rest for so long.

I once attended a presentation, a sort of soundscape, down in the old Sailor's Guild at the edge of my city, near the water, and when I returned to the street to go back to the car, I suddenly realized that our city is awash with the sounds of seagulls. It hit me; a realization only available to me when my senses had become attuned to their cry against all the other sounds of the city.

I can only imagine that after one exits the silent, dark bunker that life is aglow with an energy of which we can barely conceive. I remember distinctly being in Colorado, high in the mountains and feeling so alive my chest was thumping with an exuberant energy. I felt like John Denver on steroids. 

Nothing would delight me more than to be around people with these sorts of interests: to explore different states of consciousness. I came across one American in Bali and he was going back to the US peremptorily because he had landed a spot in a sacred plant medicine retreat. I was incredibly jealous, but delighted to have had the opportunity to chat.

I am extraordinarily grateful for the inventions of my time. To have access to people who create podcasts about these states is a beautiful addition and contribution to humanity.

New and old frontiers

 I did a short course over the weekend on Sound Healing. In there, I became a little curious about astrology and the Gene Keys. So, I plugged in my birthdate and a few other details and up came my profile. 

Some of the material I related to. Other bits of information didn't resonate with me. The sentence that I found most confusing was one wherein I was told I am at my best when a leader and when working with a group.

I can't help but wonder where the connection in my mind between 'slavery' and 'eroticism' came from. Did I see 'The Story of O' when I was impressionably young? 

I also did some research into the Feminine Core Wound and this material brought up that I need to tap into my inner vitality; that my feminine core wound was dissatisfaction.

It's interesting to me that in my life I have sought the assistance of three mental health professionals. The two men discarded my thought that perhaps I should be achieving something out in the wider world. The female psychologist got me doing academic work that would lead to endeavors, possibly with other people but probably not.

There is, however, a common thread through all this material: that I should seek to be a positive influence on as many people as possible, through whatever field.

I can feel deep within me, and have done so for months now, a yearning to launch into something, but you know what comes up and has been coming up for some time? To go find a dance studio. My deepest desire is to move.

Somewhere in my Gene Keys profile I read that I was ahead of my time. I am meant, it was written, to offer the world something new and fresh; something that it hadn't seen before. Man, the responsibility!

It was also written somewhere that I needed to be aware of beauty. Now you are talking my language. I had a strong desire for many years to have a store with the name 'Beautiful things'. It was felt that in filling a store with all things I found beautiful, it may not lead to commercial success necessarily. Beauty is after all, in the eye of the beholder.

It's all a bit confusing right now. I can say this. The soundscape I was sent to heal my feminine core wound was wonderful. I immediately fell to sleep for two and half hours in a profoundly transformative way. I woke heavy and almost, but not quite, touched on the moment of my conception. I know that sounds weird but sound therapy is a weird and most wonderful thing. More on that soon.

I am left with the mystery of it all. A sense of mystery is a good thing and maybe as close as we can get to what lies beyond.