Healing

There is a saying that you can't heal what you can't see. This is why I went searching for answers about how I felt because I knew what I felt wasn't how I wanted to feel, and intuitively I understood that I needed to know where I had been to begin to heal.

I've read a number of books now on topics that seemed related to my circumstances. There was marginal assistance through the psychology sessions I have had but nothing directly related to a full understanding of my circumstances and certainly no advice was administered as to what to do. In other words, there was no diagnosis and no treatment plan.

However, I feel quite clear about what happened to me now and this is a great blessing, to see the history clearly. This is profound.

I think when the brain has been subjected to thinking in a certain way over a long period of time - I am in my early 60s - it is not realistic to think that I won't have some tough moments going forward, but I definitely feel grateful to have understanding, and so long as I am kind to myself, which I see as vital, I think there is much reason to be hopeful that the shame and blame that I put on myself will fade.

It was difficult to say the least to learn that it was my inner critic that kept me in torment. I blamed myself for not being stronger and more resilient, whereas now I am learning to turn that message around:

"Things were difficult for you for no fault of your own. You had to survive, and you did what you could to survive. Now, new strategies are needed to thrive. And, you are putting those strategies in place. Be proud of yourself."

Without going into too much boring detail about my reading and understanding here's what I discovered:

- Although my parents loved me in an overarching way (the feeling was no doubt in their hearts) I was not given a childhood. I have no memories of being kissed, cuddled, held. I have no memories of being read to at night, or being tucked into bed. I didn't eat with my parents. My parents demanded that their two children be as little effort as possible and so I closed down my emotions, was 'good'.

- I began to masturbate at a very early age and this was my attempt at 'self-soothing'. My childhood environment did not provide me with a sense of safety and masturbating myself to sleep became a survival strategy for me; a way of soothing my troubled mind that was flooded with chemicals that made my body and mind anxiety prone.

- I am kinky and this is now hard wired and cannot be alerted. Fear and sexual arousal at a certain point intertwined.I don't seek to alter it. It is obvious, day by day, that I am aroused in a 'feel good' and sexual way when I have an overt sense of ownership. I want to be 'attached' to my husband. He gets this, fortunately. He is comfortable with it. I have shared my understandings with him.

- I was susceptible to having my attachment system activated due to the lack of mother love. I was also susceptible to having my inner critic activated and exacerbated. It hadn't occurred to me that the lack of mother love repercussions were the fault of my parents but rather I blamed myself, unconsciously. I now understand the thoughts. I wasn't lovable. I wasn't worthy of love. I wasn't pretty enough, or sexual enough. Importantly, I needed to be pleasing. I had learned this as a child. If you don't act how they want you to act, they reject you.

- In short, I was highly vulnerable to any sort of narcissistic behavior of another; to love-bombing, to verbal abuse; manipulation. My trained sense of loyalty to people, even when they behaved in a  selfish and unloving way made me feel that I needed to find even more tolerance and strength for toxic behavior.

- What I came to see was that in the end it wasn't about the Other. It was about the fact that I had failed to understand that any disrespectful behavior towards me should have been a red flag on which I acted to create a boundary against the toxicity of the relationship.

- I was kind of right. It was all my fault, no matter what the training of my childhood. You see, I can't change the behavior of others, but I can change my behavior and in this way I can change how I feel. It is in my power to say no to a sense of blame and shame, to have some control over the depression; to say yes to a sense of personal power; to have respect for myself.

This is a game changer. I can't say I won't have tough days. I know I will. But, there's a huge sense of power over my destiny now.

I am eternally grateful to Kelly McDaniel who wrote 'Ready to Heal: Breaking Free of Addictive Relationships' and to Abdul Saad of Vital Mind Psychology who has free on You Tube videos that have helped me so much.

There are very good people in the world. Of this, I have no doubt. If you have struggled in a similar way to the way I have struggled, I encourage you to seek your answers. Once you know what in fact happened to you, you are on your way to healing. Know that you are not alone. You deserve to be happy.

Suppressed Emotions

In the past year my brother and I began to share observations and memories about our childhood. He'd remembered more than me, but I had done more research than him, and together we began to piece together what had happened.

In the end, we realized that we had been searching for what had happened, when in fact we needed to look at what did not happen. What didn't happen is that we were able to be our authentic selves with opinions and feelings. We had both quickly realized at an early age that having feelings, unless they were to say how wonderful things were for us, was not going to be well received, and was going to cause our parents great angst. We obliged by keeping our internal world very well masked.

I told him something last night for the first time and he told me something that he had never told a living soul, which is amazing because he is joined at the hip with his wife. I can't share here but suffice to say that we both had beliefs that make clear that we felt completely alienated from our parents.

So, that's where we are. Now, where to go?

For my brother's part, he has reinvented his life. The music that he loved but went completely unappreciated by our parents is a big part of his life now; so too is fitness, health, and well being. He plans to live every last day.

For my part, I have to get into all those suppressed emotions. This is vital for longevity. Suppressed emotions are known to lead to illness, so this isn't some fancy notion of mine but more about survival, as well as contentment.

I am a capable person in many ways. I have proven that. But, I know I haven't met my potential. I can feel disappointed with myself and I can feel like I am on the inside looking in. You would not likely pick it up to meet me but I can struggle with self-discipline, with assertiveness, with my feeling states. This is all very common for someone who has experienced emotional neglect as a child. None of these feelings are remotely new. I have lived with them all my life.

Since taking up the Meditation Teachers' Certification course I have been meditating in a new way, with full appreciation for my emotions, and I journal about that, as required. I love leading meditation groups where I introduce this idea to them. Even if you have cancer and are scared, getting in touch with that fear in a meditative state isn't as scary as it sounds. When you face your fears and bring up other suppressed emotions, the body appreciates that. It is part of healing and courage building.

I think I have an ongoing emotion of being lonely, sad. I know that it is best not to rely on another person for my happiness but I do miss my husband and the bond we had. His trading keeps him up at night nearly every night now so we aren't often in bed and awake at the same time, and in any case, he is profoundly asleep when he finally comes to bed, very overtired. So, I feel sad about this state of affairs and conscious that there is not much I can do outside of holiday times, best taken thousands of miles from home and his screens. The difference between home time and holiday time is like night and day.

I feel abandoned. I'm told that's silly, but I do feel abandoned. That's the truth. Yes, maybe it's true, probably is true, that some cancer type therapies, as in supplements, affect his libido, but in all my years on the planet I have been a sexual creature. I miss that state so much.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with my grandson and my daughter and we ran into old friends; showed the lad off. It was an afternoon filled with so much joy. I felt abundant joy. I absolutely adore him. It's a love I didn't truly expect to feel. Sure, I would love all my grandchildren, that's always been a given. But I simply love every moment of being with the little thing. He fills my cup, that's for sure.

It's harder than I ever knew it would be to come out of denial. All those years I held to the story we'd had a happy childhood until it all came flooding back in a whoosh. I barely knew my father. He loved me, absolutely, but he only really wanted the company of my mother. It's just the facts of the matter. He never expected to be a father, was a relatively old father, and had no parenting skills. I loved him and he loved me but we were worlds apart and never bridged the gap. That's the way it was.

So now I go about getting in touch with my true nature, as they say. No more painting a pretty picture of the past for myself. We keep the pretty picture for my mother, of course, because that's the picture she has always seen. But, my brother and I know what we know now. Thank the Lord we've been each other's witness. It's all about moving forward now, finding a place inside ourselves where we may be comfortable, at last.