I heard someone say this week that when a baby cries and demands your attention, the baby is experiencing anxiety.
I also heard someone say this week that for some children, one of the few times they got their parent's full attention was when they were being spanked and therein lies the kink later.
I have come to know through my own personal experience, that we carry symbols in our minds for states such as anxiety. I am not going to reveal my symbol for anxiety since it is immaterial. You will have your own symbol, just as you have a symbol in the recesses of your mind to transpose the symbol that can enable the anxiety to be deactivated.
I will share that when this was revealed to me, I tried to kill the big angry thing without success and I tried to transform the beast into a sweet, kind, pretty little thing, also with limited success. It wasn't until around two days later, that I was told by the kind, pretty little thing, that the big angry thing roaring in my face wasn't real, it was just a soft, inanimate fluffy toy, that the anxiety lost all its punch.
All was revealed and in doing so, I suddenly have huge control over the anxiety. It's a weird story but also a true one.
It's not the whole of the story because part two of that story is that I got in touch, also in a symbolic way, with the wisest part of myself, and I lessened the control of the voice inside my head that thought she was helping me with her advice, but she no longer was. What had happened was that that voice hadn't taken in that I was no longer young. The advice was no longer working. When order was reestablished, when the Wise Woman was given the deciding vote over all the other voices, everything became clear. (Refer to Internal Family Systems)
Yesterday, being Sunday and a day when we were alone, my husband invited me back into the bedroom to play. He asked me to crawl into the room, something that in ideal circumstances would have been wonderful for me, but my heart wasn't in it.
'I am sorry, I am not sure I can do this right now,' I said.
I was still kneeling on the floor when he asked me to explain.
'I would rather not,' I said.
I just didn't want a fight. I didn't want to trigger him into feeling some sort of negative state.
He was insistent, and I registered in his voice a real desire to understand.
So, I said it.
I explained about our different brains and how they take things in. I said he was inviting me into a messy room, in a house that he had neglected for years, and that my need for beauty and order was something he wasn't taking seriously. I understood that he felt he had other priorities, and I had been patient, exceedingly patient and understanding, but this was truly hurting my spirit.
'I am not certain you know what you have,' I said.
'Go take a shower,' he said, 'We will go out for breakfast.'
We walked; we talked. We were both calm and we enjoyed our time in the cafe.
When we returned home, he had decided on a home project; again it's immaterial what it was, but in the process of this task, something I had asked for previously a number of times, he began to get clarity himself over what we could achieve ourselves, spending very little money.
In other words, we began to be on the same page.
Was it the spirit and courage of the Wise Woman that had made a difference? It's hard to say, but certainly there was no animosity displayed by either of us.
It's the advice of the other voice (I call her Edwina) that has made me do all sorts of useless things - like fawn, like fight, like freeze; like allow my needs to be neglected.
Yesterday morning, I was just being authentic. I calmly, courageously and confidently expressed my thoughts and feelings and he in turn told me what to do (to take a shower) and I did it.
In a long-term relationship, a power exchange is not a scene. The dominance and submission weaves itself into the fabric of the lives of the people in the exchange.
If a submissive doesn't speak up, (in the right way and when the opportunity presents itself) I think the dominant runs the risk of steam rolling the submissive. He's busy, he's productive, she keeps life humming along for him in a day-to-day way. Where's the problem? As in, where's the problem for him?
I'm not exactly sure why it worked yesterday. I think it was when I talked about beauty and my huge struggles with ugliness and disorder. I told him I wouldn't last in his office for a day. I couldn't sit amongst millions of pieces of paper and files over every surface. My brain would revolt.
I can't see into his mind but I think he saw that first of all, he needed his submissive to see that he was willing to take her feelings into account; that this wasn't a time to ensure obedience but rather this was a time for assuring her that he had respect for her need for beauty and order; that the state of her home mattered to her and always would.
I was told, on good authority, that my anxiety had been removed permanently. I had reason to believe that this had been done before, actual proof. I was hopeful but it seemed too good to be true.
And yet, these changes do seem extraordinarily profound. Each day brings new opportunities to be optimistic and to move forward with confidence.
Thank you, my clever, wonderful unconscious mind. If only I had befriended you before, but it is never too late to learn.
