A lifetime ago I wrote about active and passive submission. Refer to October 21st, 2010 if you want to read it. I have forgotten how to hyperlink here, sorry.
As I look back on my history, I realize just how steadfastly ingrained it was that I wanted and expected the Dominant to be all-knowing, all wanting, all controlling.
I worked on this in the past year in an intensive way. I had some hypnotherapy around it, and I can't fault the efforts that were made for me to overcome this built in message. We practiced me being active. 'I want you to take me'.
Yet, something was still holding me back. It honestly felt like wild horses couldn't convince me to be active in saying what I wanted.
Conjuring the construction of a scene. I thought, until oh so recently was the work of the Dominant. I was the submissive. It just wasn't my responsibility.
I wish I could construct the path that led me to see things differently. Certainly, I listened to many podcasts where the Dominant and submissive were playing a part - sometimes negotiating, and sometimes just talking through a scene; how they thought it might go.
I listened to a podcast recently where even the Aftercare was discussed, and it was determined that the submissive didn't want to be told it wasn't real. To the contrary, she wanted to be told that it was ALL real and she really was dirty and slutty and bad. Or words to that effect.
My. God. I just didn't know that this was all possible.
You mean, you can ask for that??
I was doing nothing in particular this morning, though we had had a little mini-scene, and I felt light and content, when it occurred to me, as if I had invented this brand-new thing...I could write a scene. I could say how I wanted it to go. I could ask not to be too comforted in the aftercare, but rather that it be stated that it was all real, I really was a slavegirl at heart and I really did need to know my place.
How wondrous! How exciting! And, and it's a very big and, the thought didn't make me feel less submissive, it made me feel more submissive, more invested in the submission.
And the kicker is, it's likely to make him happy and safe that I have asked for exactly what I want, declaratively.
Will he still look out for me in a scene? Of course. Will he still note the reactions? I am sure he will. But he will be encouraged to think about the script. So, she looks uncomfortable, and her ass is no doubt smarting...well, she asked for it...
Let's be upfront here. This is not a new message. I have heard it before, many times. But, something clicked this week, a little more day by day.
I'm not sure this will make sense to the reader, but I think that what happened was that I was missing strength. It's a word that has come up in my personal writings a great deal. It was as if I embraced that I have to do this.
The words, 'Do your job' had come up in fantasies for months. I think that I had finally embraced the fact that this was my job, at least sometimes.
This was simply my job.
