When I arrived at the meditation retreat I had no idea what to expect, none at all. My friend had told me of the magic of the location and how wonderful it all was and I went with her on the strength of that. In fact, it was hard work; not just for me but for all of us. By day 3 we were all exhausted. It must have showed because by the evening of the third day the announcement was made that we didn't have to stay for the evening teachings and meditation if we didn't want to. We could go to bed early. Half the big room evaporated of participants. We were dealing with a new diet - no sugar, no animal products (no meat, fish or dairy products); no caffeine and alcohol; early morning rising; hours of meditation and remaining in the meditative pose and, last but not least, the contemplations.
Contemplations can occur in the meditation process. One can be asked, as we were, a series of questions to contemplate, or one can ask oneself a question alone in meditation and ponder on it. In these contemplations we were asked to delve into our strengths and weaknesses. This occurred over several days and in this process I identified that the weakness I most wanted to work on was the feeling that my emotions were out of my control. I didn't and don't like this feeling and I wanted that sort of emotionality to go away.
I think my emotionality springs from anxiety that has been my companion for most of my life. It's a combination thing: fear of something happening to my loved ones; fear of failure; fear of abandonment or to put it another way, fear of not being loved and of being needed.
In an ideal world an anxious sort of person has at least someone in their lives who can settle them down. I remember one day running around like a chook with its head off, collecting my son and anxiously wanting to get home. My son asked, 'What's wrong Mum. You sounded stressed on the phone.' 'Well, suddenly there are four extra people coming for dinner that I didn't know about and I don't know what time I am going to be able to serve the meal.' 'Mum, he said, 'It's the holidays. They don't care what time they eat. Don't make it more than it is.' That's stayed with me. 'Don't make it more than it is' and I often settle myself down simply by saying that phrase out loud.
Some people are more anxious than others and their anxiety is expressed through words; lots and lots of loud words that often end up upsetting those around them. My husband emotes and it's my goal and challenge to not allow that emotionality to infect me. I try, through meditation, to allow his upset to be there without labelling it. I recognize that it comes from within him and I remind myself that I am not responsible for his inner thoughts and feelings, only my own. Naturally, I aim to soothe him and to be sensitive to his sensitivities, but at the end of the day, I am not responsible for his inner thoughts and feelings and nor for the choices he makes. I am only responsible for my own thoughts and feelings, for my own choices. We are all only responsible for our own inner lives. Attempting to change someone else is ambitious and unrealistic. Changing yourself is challenge enough.
In the process of the week at the meditation retreat, I settled. The truth is there were a lot of tears, but I settled. I developed 'acceptance' and I work on this every single day now. I meditate. And, I accept each day as it is. It is what it is without me needing to invest my emotions; without judging or catastrophizing. At least, that's the goal.
Yesterday, I took my mother to see the neurologist. I had taken her to the doctor with my suspicions and he wanted to wait. I looked him dead in the eye. 'My mother is 84 with Parkinson like symptoms. What are we waiting for?' He said not a word but turned to write the referral. The neurologist was a lovely man, gentle and kind with my mother and he confirmed the situation. This dear woman who has for 25 years lived out her life alone and without her loving and loved husband, will need to rely on others more now; to accept that life will be different. I speak softly to her. I repeat over and over the same things until she feels more sure. She is fearful. Of course. I try not to be fearful for her. We will face this, step by step and in a positive manner.
There is a little trick in meditation. You breathe in as if it is your last breath and you hold it. If you don't breathe out, well, that's death. And so, in life, we can have a little taste of death, and it's not really all that bad, the still and empty mind.
If we can let go for a time of fear and even of hope, we can live in this moment. This moment will turn into the next moment. Emotions will come and go. The clouds will roll on through like thoughts of the mind. Underneath is the blue sky. The blue sky is always underneath. That's our still mind. That's our natural mind. In this way, peace is available to us. Peace lives within us. I strive for peace.
Contemplations can occur in the meditation process. One can be asked, as we were, a series of questions to contemplate, or one can ask oneself a question alone in meditation and ponder on it. In these contemplations we were asked to delve into our strengths and weaknesses. This occurred over several days and in this process I identified that the weakness I most wanted to work on was the feeling that my emotions were out of my control. I didn't and don't like this feeling and I wanted that sort of emotionality to go away.
I think my emotionality springs from anxiety that has been my companion for most of my life. It's a combination thing: fear of something happening to my loved ones; fear of failure; fear of abandonment or to put it another way, fear of not being loved and of being needed.
In an ideal world an anxious sort of person has at least someone in their lives who can settle them down. I remember one day running around like a chook with its head off, collecting my son and anxiously wanting to get home. My son asked, 'What's wrong Mum. You sounded stressed on the phone.' 'Well, suddenly there are four extra people coming for dinner that I didn't know about and I don't know what time I am going to be able to serve the meal.' 'Mum, he said, 'It's the holidays. They don't care what time they eat. Don't make it more than it is.' That's stayed with me. 'Don't make it more than it is' and I often settle myself down simply by saying that phrase out loud.
Some people are more anxious than others and their anxiety is expressed through words; lots and lots of loud words that often end up upsetting those around them. My husband emotes and it's my goal and challenge to not allow that emotionality to infect me. I try, through meditation, to allow his upset to be there without labelling it. I recognize that it comes from within him and I remind myself that I am not responsible for his inner thoughts and feelings, only my own. Naturally, I aim to soothe him and to be sensitive to his sensitivities, but at the end of the day, I am not responsible for his inner thoughts and feelings and nor for the choices he makes. I am only responsible for my own thoughts and feelings, for my own choices. We are all only responsible for our own inner lives. Attempting to change someone else is ambitious and unrealistic. Changing yourself is challenge enough.
In the process of the week at the meditation retreat, I settled. The truth is there were a lot of tears, but I settled. I developed 'acceptance' and I work on this every single day now. I meditate. And, I accept each day as it is. It is what it is without me needing to invest my emotions; without judging or catastrophizing. At least, that's the goal.
Yesterday, I took my mother to see the neurologist. I had taken her to the doctor with my suspicions and he wanted to wait. I looked him dead in the eye. 'My mother is 84 with Parkinson like symptoms. What are we waiting for?' He said not a word but turned to write the referral. The neurologist was a lovely man, gentle and kind with my mother and he confirmed the situation. This dear woman who has for 25 years lived out her life alone and without her loving and loved husband, will need to rely on others more now; to accept that life will be different. I speak softly to her. I repeat over and over the same things until she feels more sure. She is fearful. Of course. I try not to be fearful for her. We will face this, step by step and in a positive manner.
There is a little trick in meditation. You breathe in as if it is your last breath and you hold it. If you don't breathe out, well, that's death. And so, in life, we can have a little taste of death, and it's not really all that bad, the still and empty mind.
If we can let go for a time of fear and even of hope, we can live in this moment. This moment will turn into the next moment. Emotions will come and go. The clouds will roll on through like thoughts of the mind. Underneath is the blue sky. The blue sky is always underneath. That's our still mind. That's our natural mind. In this way, peace is available to us. Peace lives within us. I strive for peace.
The retreat sounds lovely.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love this post. What you said about not letting other people's emoting affect you--that is my struggle too.
Bleue: I think there are a few strategies, and one does need to be mindful of what one is trying to achieve in this, peace for all. I think if you can look at the emoting person with as much compassion as possible, that helps. I think not emoting back helps. I think staying as silent as possible, as calm as possible, helps. In order words, don't fuel the fire. I think waiting for gaps and then making a neutral sort of comment can work. In the past day I have had a girlfriend complain to me about another girlfriend (this is SO ongoing...), a girlfriend complain to me about her husband and his expectation that they buy an apartment unsuited to them, and another girlfriend complain about a girlfriend invading her privacy. I listen and empathise but I don't provide all that much guidance except where something really stands out (the apartment will make her miserable and I encouraged her to stand firm and wait for a more suitable buy in spite of his demands). In cases where I get upset myself I am not much use. You need a calm head to steer through muddy waters and I like to think that that calmness might be a good example. Meditation helps me a great deal to stay calm in spite of outside interferences.
ReplyDeleteAll your wise words, so true are they <3
Delete