Those people who identify as having a kinky nature live outside the mainstream of 'normal' sexuality. But, people such as Galen Fous are altering the long held perception that there is a 'normal' and a 'alternative' way of expressing sexuality, concluding that we are born with our sexuality and that's our 'normal' and natural way of sexual expression. I think it's reasonable to assume that as this word spreads we'll begin to see people more comfortable with outwardly identifying, within reason, as a 'dominant' or a 'submissive', or whatever is their sexual identification.
As Fous explains, it makes complete sense to have conversations with a potential lifelong partner about the details of each other's sexuality and fantasy life. That so many of us did not do this, instead hiding our inner thoughts and lives (for obvious reasons that we didn't feel we would be accepted) is what has caused the difficulties. It is quite impossible to have a deep and sustaining relationship with someone when they don't know, and perhaps cannot accept, all that is you.
Still, Fous gives hope to those couples who may not initially appear ideally suited. He cites a client who was having great difficulty accepting his fiance's desire for rough sex and pseudo rape scenes until Fous worked with this man to uncover his latent masculine force and energy.
By the end of their sessions together his client was perfectly comfortable with a whip in his hands and with the overall idea that he was interacting with his beloved entirely with her consent and for their mutual pleasure and joy. They married and invited Fous to the wedding. Those who have access to such a consultative process have a most valuable resource, but he's 10,000 miles away and I certainly know of no such resource where I live.
A few years back, my husband was excitedly expressing his frustration about something that had happened of a business nature. I listened, as I do, and when there seemed a bit of a gap in this monologue I asked him, quite sincerely and seriously, if it would help him to spank me. I distinctly remember his response. He told me not to be ridiculous. I took that to mean that the very thought of spanking his wife to overcome his own frustration was an unthinkable thought, and I accepted the sentiment was quite an alien one for him. I never brought it up again.
But, even back then I had this sense that if he could somehow garner his power, his energy, his passion, his masculinity; his arrogance and his sense of the fitness of things; that I might have the benefit of that aspect of his personality.
Am I making sense?
What I am trying to say is that I am married to this man who takes life on; who takes people on; who believes that he is right and his way is right. Isn't that the sort of man who, if he were shown how to function in a relationship with a submissively minded wife, would thrive in expressing that dominance both sexually and day to day within the structure of a power exchange relationship?
From observing this man closely for decades it is clear to me that he, like all people, has only so many resources; so much energy. For long periods of time he is perfectly capable of taking that passion, energy, drive and masculine persuasion and dumping it into a business project, thus leaving nearly none for me until the project is complete. I'm not complaining here. I'm just stating a fact.
But, what if he was shown how to hold onto that drive and power of persuasion at home to exert it over me for our mutual benefit; no longer an 'all this or all that' situation but rather expression of his dominant nature in all facets of his life? What if he had a few strategies to ensure consistency in the dynamic even when he is, by necessity, self-absorbed in business matters for stretches of time?
Like the man Fous worked with I believe that my husband, and many other husbands, have what it takes to satisfy the submissive woman, but they could benefit from a little mentoring.
I once read that it is not the submissive who needs a mentor but the Dominant. I think the sort of work Fous does suggests that this may well be the case.
As Fous explains, it makes complete sense to have conversations with a potential lifelong partner about the details of each other's sexuality and fantasy life. That so many of us did not do this, instead hiding our inner thoughts and lives (for obvious reasons that we didn't feel we would be accepted) is what has caused the difficulties. It is quite impossible to have a deep and sustaining relationship with someone when they don't know, and perhaps cannot accept, all that is you.
Still, Fous gives hope to those couples who may not initially appear ideally suited. He cites a client who was having great difficulty accepting his fiance's desire for rough sex and pseudo rape scenes until Fous worked with this man to uncover his latent masculine force and energy.
By the end of their sessions together his client was perfectly comfortable with a whip in his hands and with the overall idea that he was interacting with his beloved entirely with her consent and for their mutual pleasure and joy. They married and invited Fous to the wedding. Those who have access to such a consultative process have a most valuable resource, but he's 10,000 miles away and I certainly know of no such resource where I live.
A few years back, my husband was excitedly expressing his frustration about something that had happened of a business nature. I listened, as I do, and when there seemed a bit of a gap in this monologue I asked him, quite sincerely and seriously, if it would help him to spank me. I distinctly remember his response. He told me not to be ridiculous. I took that to mean that the very thought of spanking his wife to overcome his own frustration was an unthinkable thought, and I accepted the sentiment was quite an alien one for him. I never brought it up again.
But, even back then I had this sense that if he could somehow garner his power, his energy, his passion, his masculinity; his arrogance and his sense of the fitness of things; that I might have the benefit of that aspect of his personality.
Am I making sense?
What I am trying to say is that I am married to this man who takes life on; who takes people on; who believes that he is right and his way is right. Isn't that the sort of man who, if he were shown how to function in a relationship with a submissively minded wife, would thrive in expressing that dominance both sexually and day to day within the structure of a power exchange relationship?
From observing this man closely for decades it is clear to me that he, like all people, has only so many resources; so much energy. For long periods of time he is perfectly capable of taking that passion, energy, drive and masculine persuasion and dumping it into a business project, thus leaving nearly none for me until the project is complete. I'm not complaining here. I'm just stating a fact.
But, what if he was shown how to hold onto that drive and power of persuasion at home to exert it over me for our mutual benefit; no longer an 'all this or all that' situation but rather expression of his dominant nature in all facets of his life? What if he had a few strategies to ensure consistency in the dynamic even when he is, by necessity, self-absorbed in business matters for stretches of time?
Like the man Fous worked with I believe that my husband, and many other husbands, have what it takes to satisfy the submissive woman, but they could benefit from a little mentoring.
I once read that it is not the submissive who needs a mentor but the Dominant. I think the sort of work Fous does suggests that this may well be the case.
You make some very good points. It's unfortunate he won't use some of that passion and energy and exert it over you. That would also help to meet your needs.
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FD: When you think about it, I was the one with the innate submissiveness and once the flip is switched, there's no turning it off. Then, I got some fine mentoring. But, there he was, with a woman wanting what she wanted, but he had no-one to guide him. Well, he did, if he had agreed, but it's a hard thing to get a man to agree to being mentored when it's not 'natural' to him to have that sort of relationship with another man. He's very strong-willed and stubborn. It seems to me that Fous offers the benefits of being both a therapist of sorts and a Dominant man himself in a power exchange relationship. This is where the future lies, I think, enabling the innate masculinity to have a model wherein it can reside comfortably, even for those men who don't have a particular kink (e.g. rubber). They need not just guidance in skills, for example, but talking through the psychology of the thing with someone and truly getting comfortable in the role; getting comfortable with discipline in the context of the agreement; creating some expectations and so forth. Once established, many men would fly from there. I truly believe there is hope if only this sort of guidance was on offer.
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