I see an acupuncturist around ten times a year and so over the last couple of years we have come to know quite a lot about one another. I have no expectation the work will be done in silence and it's surprising to me that this works for me because when I initially went to see him, that's the way I expected it to go. I prefer silence as a general rule.
We both like one another, that's clear. Although we come from very different places (he's American Chinese) there's so much we find to talk about.
Bit by bit, I revealed that I was experiencing some sort of transition stage in my life that was a struggle for me. This was no surprise to him since my pulses suggested a blockage (an emotional blockage) in the spleen/kidney/gall bladder area. He had said it so often and focused my acupuncture for those areas of my body that it just made sense to explain more about the confusion I was experiencing.
Interesting, that yesterday he told me the story - again - of one client who had transitioned from her banking profession to the healing world and was enjoying her studies. It was a subtle nudge to get creative about the next (final) stage of my life.
I am no stranger to the visualization of sitting on a mountain and looking onto an endless vista - a visualization he asked me to do at the end of our session last month. There's close to nothing another person can do for you in these transition stages of one's life. I know this, although I also know that the empathic practitioner will attempt to do so. The answer will come from deep within when it is ready to come and when there is but one and only one answer.
It was probably best that I didn't know the situation of my life at the time, over the many years, as I do now. After a great deal of investigation, I now understand that, without doubt, my husband has what some people refer to as a Hunter brain, and other people refer to as ADHD.
I mean, really, that's not news. It was a likely diagnosis in my mind for many many years, but I hadn't quite embraced it as fact; the repercussions of that kind of brain on a marriage, and in my marriage, being a woman with an innate slave mentality.
If there is one characteristic required of a Dominant in a consensual power exchange, I would say it is consistency. Yet, for the ADHD brain, consistency is maybe the hardest thing. This kind of brain with inadequate dopamine receptors, requires spontaneity and ways to kick up the dopamine supply - in my husband's case, that would be news about the wider world, Trump, Putin, the Ukraine, the entire economic system of the world, information about the body. Each article or video gives him a little hit of dopamine. Consistency, say, of addressing our Agreement, does not do this for him. His brain is expert at hyperfocus on the issue at hand, primarily a business issue.
In my reading, deep research into his condition, time for Hunter types is clearly a very big difference to the neurotypical brain, sometimes called the Farmer brain. We set up a weekend whereby on Fridays I ask for a couple of things to happen sometime over the weekend. But it didn't take long to realize that this a timeframe that offered too much variability and opportunity for the whole thing to be missed.
The only way this was going to work was for me to take the responsibility of making it work - looking out for a good time and suggesting it, or even saying something along the lines of 'would 7 pm this evening work for you?' and then reminding him at 7 pm that we had an appointment at this time.
Would I love it if I didn't have to do this? Sure. But what I am learning is that this is the only way a D/s exchange is going to be consistently present in our lives. Maybe, just maybe, it can be something else over time, but I certainly cannot rely on this.
And only time will tell, if he actually wants this at all, if it is the ADHD condition that is preventing success, or if it is that combined with his prostate cancer and treatment, which means that his sexual desire has come to an end.
Two of my sons have a diagnosis of ADHD, but they were both gifted with a delightful sense of humor. It didn't weigh at all heavily on them in the main, mostly, I think, because they didn't fight the diagnosis in any way and played to their strengths. It's the denial that can make life tough, rather than seeing how immensely creative this type of brain is; the huge gifts this brain brings with it. People of my husband's age, of course, were not treated well, and this early conditioning is difficult to fix.
The therapist we have both spoken to, separately, being at a loss, did suggest to me that I open a dialogue with my husband about getting my needs met elsewhere. He was happy to help me through this situation. I can't see it myself. I think it would be endlessly hurtful and thus would lead to unhappiness and sorrow. I just can't go down that road; not after a lifetime together.
Do I sometimes say to myself, 'This is too hard, I give up'. Of course, I do. It's a mismatch of gigantic proportions. But then, there's the love, you see. I can't deny the love. And so, I go on.
