This is the post that I never wanted to write, but I have been wondering for some time how to come to terms with my life and perhaps this is the way.
My husband is not the same man he used to be. After the chronic fatigue took its toll, there was some improvement for a time, but his condition seems to have now permanently come to rest in a state of what I call 'neutral sexuality'. He does not have any sexuality at all.
For the past month I have woken repeatedly in the middle of the night trying to figure out what has happened. Two nights ago, surprisingly, and I think because there was a certain sense of absolute despair that he read on my face, he shared with me that a medical test revealed that his testosterone is being turned into oestrogen. It's some block of the hormones and nobody seems to know what to do about it, although he talked of some extracts of plants available in the United States.
I took this opportunity to express comments that I had held in:
'I feel like I am living with a stranger.'
'I feel like I am in the wrong house.'
Then I asked, after we had talked a bit, 'Are you saying that there is absolutely nothing you can do? Are you saying that this is completely out of your control?'
'Yes', he said. 'It's what I have been saying all along. I'm not doing this to you.'
You see, it's not just that we don't make love. It's that when he holds me, it doesn't feel like he is holding me. A kiss doesn't feel like his kiss. It doesn't feel like a male/female experience. He doesn't comment when I get a new set of nails, something he knows I adore to do. He offers me nothing. He hasn't used any rope all year. Things that aren't necessarily sexual, and that don't require anything of him but a little time and effort, are not attempted. He has sunk into a world of his own making - work in one office or another.
I make an effort to keep our lives going if for no other reason than if I did not do that, I too would sink into some sort of depression. So, on Friday night I suggested we meet at our Club. It didn't take long for an old friend of his to sit down with us and lay out a plan. My husband could join his tennis group on Wednesday nights for a game of tennis and a drink later. He'd be home by 7 pm except once a month when they ate dinner together. It sounded perfect and I encouraged him to go. But, he would not give a commitment on the spot and he told me later he couldn't do it because he had hurt his shoulder carrying up groceries for me. They are excuses. He doesn't want to be around people he doesn't know. He just wants to do what he does; be with me and the family; work, eat and watch television.
It sounds like a very deep depression, doesn't it? Or, some sort of dymentia?? I know we all change as we age but I still remember the boy with all his abundant entheusiasm and rapture for life; his dreams and goals, and I just can't reconcile what has happened.
I believe, as I always have, that he has undiagnosed ADD and OCD and that the effort of life, everything being that bit harder to achieve, every decision being that more complicated to make, and every outcome he is involved with needing to be perfect, has taken a toll on him such that he has hit the brick wall and has nowhere to go. He has crashed. That's what my doctor says. His doctor suggested seeking mental health care, but my husband's angry response ensured he never suggested it again. He won't accept treatment because he remains in denial as to his conditions. Which is not to say that there aren't chemical/bodily issues here, just that he is ignoring the fact that his mind is involved in this malaise.
I feel an incredibly deep responsibility to this man. This situation is proving to be immensely painful to me, and I am at a point where I fear that my mind's suffering is creating mayhem within my body. I have taken to walking every day and this helps me. My writing over the past few years has been therapeutic as I deal with the pain of my situation but I am ready to move onto subjects where I can escape into other characters' worlds. (I wrote a short script today, a comedy, and that's huge progress for me. I'm out of my head for those hours and into other people's heads and I think that's an incredibly healthy thing for me.) We'll travel, and I'm hoping that once my study is completed in a month's time I can provide the impetus for projects and new plans.
Of course, I am not alone in carrying the grief of a relationship that has unraveled. Millions of people are doing that. Oddly, some relationships, no matter how bruised and battered they become, endure. The love and sense of empathy remains. Hope has us holding on.
My husband is not the same man he used to be. After the chronic fatigue took its toll, there was some improvement for a time, but his condition seems to have now permanently come to rest in a state of what I call 'neutral sexuality'. He does not have any sexuality at all.
For the past month I have woken repeatedly in the middle of the night trying to figure out what has happened. Two nights ago, surprisingly, and I think because there was a certain sense of absolute despair that he read on my face, he shared with me that a medical test revealed that his testosterone is being turned into oestrogen. It's some block of the hormones and nobody seems to know what to do about it, although he talked of some extracts of plants available in the United States.
I took this opportunity to express comments that I had held in:
'I feel like I am living with a stranger.'
'I feel like I am in the wrong house.'
Then I asked, after we had talked a bit, 'Are you saying that there is absolutely nothing you can do? Are you saying that this is completely out of your control?'
'Yes', he said. 'It's what I have been saying all along. I'm not doing this to you.'
You see, it's not just that we don't make love. It's that when he holds me, it doesn't feel like he is holding me. A kiss doesn't feel like his kiss. It doesn't feel like a male/female experience. He doesn't comment when I get a new set of nails, something he knows I adore to do. He offers me nothing. He hasn't used any rope all year. Things that aren't necessarily sexual, and that don't require anything of him but a little time and effort, are not attempted. He has sunk into a world of his own making - work in one office or another.
I make an effort to keep our lives going if for no other reason than if I did not do that, I too would sink into some sort of depression. So, on Friday night I suggested we meet at our Club. It didn't take long for an old friend of his to sit down with us and lay out a plan. My husband could join his tennis group on Wednesday nights for a game of tennis and a drink later. He'd be home by 7 pm except once a month when they ate dinner together. It sounded perfect and I encouraged him to go. But, he would not give a commitment on the spot and he told me later he couldn't do it because he had hurt his shoulder carrying up groceries for me. They are excuses. He doesn't want to be around people he doesn't know. He just wants to do what he does; be with me and the family; work, eat and watch television.
It sounds like a very deep depression, doesn't it? Or, some sort of dymentia?? I know we all change as we age but I still remember the boy with all his abundant entheusiasm and rapture for life; his dreams and goals, and I just can't reconcile what has happened.
I believe, as I always have, that he has undiagnosed ADD and OCD and that the effort of life, everything being that bit harder to achieve, every decision being that more complicated to make, and every outcome he is involved with needing to be perfect, has taken a toll on him such that he has hit the brick wall and has nowhere to go. He has crashed. That's what my doctor says. His doctor suggested seeking mental health care, but my husband's angry response ensured he never suggested it again. He won't accept treatment because he remains in denial as to his conditions. Which is not to say that there aren't chemical/bodily issues here, just that he is ignoring the fact that his mind is involved in this malaise.
I feel an incredibly deep responsibility to this man. This situation is proving to be immensely painful to me, and I am at a point where I fear that my mind's suffering is creating mayhem within my body. I have taken to walking every day and this helps me. My writing over the past few years has been therapeutic as I deal with the pain of my situation but I am ready to move onto subjects where I can escape into other characters' worlds. (I wrote a short script today, a comedy, and that's huge progress for me. I'm out of my head for those hours and into other people's heads and I think that's an incredibly healthy thing for me.) We'll travel, and I'm hoping that once my study is completed in a month's time I can provide the impetus for projects and new plans.
Of course, I am not alone in carrying the grief of a relationship that has unraveled. Millions of people are doing that. Oddly, some relationships, no matter how bruised and battered they become, endure. The love and sense of empathy remains. Hope has us holding on.
Oh this was hard to read and I'm hoping for good things for you. It sounds like he would like to avoid the subject at all costs, and probably in part because that would mean he would actually have to DO something, which might seem possible to him right now. But it's hard to believe his doctor that absolutely nothing can be done. Here (in Texas) we now have clinics that are devoted solely to treating low testosterone. Maybe if you could do some research for him???
ReplyDeletea hard post for you to write Vesta and am so sorry for your husband am sure it is difficult for him to understand how he truly feels as it means he has to admit things to himself which in turn has impact on you if he cant share these with you...sighs...one know you will always support him as best you can....sending hugs to you...xxx
ReplyDeleteChristie J: Thank you very much for your thoughts. There appear to be two issues here. My husband has little faith in doctors and thus tends to do his own research and make his own diagnoses and then determine his own treatment. All things being equal, sometimes he's right and sometimes he's wrong. According to his doctor, and I think he's definitely 'in the know' regarding practitioners of this city, one of the biggest in Australia, there is no-one who specialises in men's health other than this Professor who he saw once a few years ago who was incredibly rude and sent him off to a heart surgeon who had no idea why he had come and then sent him off somewhere else. Three years later he's been sent back to the same Professor and I'll be surprised if anything of value comes of that. So far, for reasons unknown to me, no-one my husband goes to has been prepared to supplement the testosterone, which seems to have something to do with fear of recrimination of the health authorities. I'm really confused because my doctor (who he only saw the once because he diagnosed ADD and so my husband never went back) offered him the T about two years ago but he didn't take it. This T turning into estrogen mechanism can mean, I think, that more T won't help. But, no, in Australia it seems men's health is woefully mishandled and ignored. But, having said all that, I think the ADD and accompanying anxieties and perfectionist traits must be addressed for him to heal. This is denial of gargantuan proportions.
ReplyDeleteblossom: Do you want to know what hurts the most? For some years, his sexuality has been waning but I've always managed to find a place on the couch that I could snuggle into his body at night. The touch eased me. Now, he folds his arms when he watches tv. I've pointed it out to him, but still it happens, and I find myself unable to sit there with him when he does that. He forgets, perhaps, rather than is intentionally closing me out. This is how ADD ravages relationships because he may not mean to hurt me. It is just one loss after the other now.
ReplyDeleteJust want to say I'm sorry that you've hit this brick wall in your relationship and that it is causing mayhem in your body. As you said, it definitely sounds like very deep depression. I wish I had some good advice but if he won't seek treatment, it's difficult to come up with an answer. So I just want to wish you good luck and at least you can blog about and get it off your chest and maybe that will help. The way he's closing you out with the folded arms has to be so hurtful. I guess all we can do is hope that eventually he will realize what he is doing to you and your relationship and he will seek help.
ReplyDeleteFD
FD: I find your comment very touching and I thank you for it. At this point in time I don't have any good reason to think that things will change very much between us. We are, after all, getting older every day and I think his behaviours may be well entrenched now. We converse. We sleep side by side every night. There is love there, both ways. I think from my writings over the years you'd know that this is not enough to sustain me as a woman. And, if you know, he must surely know, too, right? It is boggling. But, I'm fortunate to have this blog, indeed. I'm fortunate to have sustaining friendships, divine children, and I'm fortunate to have a love of life. Thank you for reading all these years.
ReplyDelete